Every year, around this time, I go through hell. It piles on and gets worse. It makes me believe that things are getting a bit better and then sideswipes me. Living with pain, yea, sure, I can deal. Living in pain and misery that makes you want to curl up into a ball and cry, not so much. Even then, I keep myself from crying because it will only make things worse. I know if I start, I may not be able to stop. I worry what if I start breathing too heavy and my sides start to hurt if I start crying. My gosh, a good cry would be good some days though. Instead, the tears leak from my eyes to escape and to remind me that it is there. Little things give my pain away: the way my voice cracks, the way I forget my words and trains of thought, the way my hands shake, the way my hair colour fades away, and so many other ways that I probably don't even notice but others might.
In combination with the fibro are the dreadful migraines. I honestly think the two are linked hand-in-hand. They exacerbate each other. Fibro acts up, migraine starts up. Migraine starts up, fibro acts up. What if the migraine was simply a fibro symptom? All I know is that it is pure unadulterated misery. There have been few times in my life where I have been borderline suicidal. I clearly remember one time in my first year of university where the migraine pain damn near killed me. Then I found a source for weed and the pain subsided, for a time. When they get that bad and nothing is helping, I go insane. I want to simultaneously crawl into a ball to cry and want to just be knocked out until it is gone. Migraines come and go. Sometimes they are okay and sometimes they are just plain nasty. The bottom line: migraines just plain suck. Unfortunately, it's not just migraines that can render me completely useless and bed (or couch) ridden. Fibro pain is just as debilitating. When fighting off a cold or whatever, it is just crazy.
I try damn near everything I can think of to make it so things aren't too bad. I do not want to even think of how I would be if I didn't take the precautions that I do. I go to: massage therapy, chiropractor, acupuncture/biopuncture, and sometimes even counselling (currently lacking a good counsellor though). I take homeopathics, epsom salt baths, follow (mostly) an anti-inflammatory diet, do yoga and go to the gym, and more. What medications I have tried made me worse, usually from the side effects. I have said time and time again, my goal is to continue to be a functional member of society. I want to work, to live and to experience. That said, as it is with work, I take sick days and sometimes work from home. I cancel plans if I am way to miserable. I can't drive when I my brain is all messed up. I wonder if I can really handle having kids. What would happen on those days that I have to focus on taking care of myself so I can take care of others and my boyfriend is away for work? I know I have our folks I could call upon, but how much of a burden would it be for them? I see my dogs suffer as it is but at the same time they provide one of my greatest joys in life and know how to make me feel loved even when I feel horrible.
In the process of writing this blog, I called my specialist to find out some more options for weeks like this. And I do mean weeks. This time of year is far from easy with the cold temps, crazy weather fluctuations and who knows what else (the way the stars are aligned???). Every year there is something that doesn't quite go right with me or something slips up.
On a positive note, I can say that since stopping the medications last year, I do feel better in general. I do not feel bloated or depleted. My weight is very manageable and I am actually in fairly good shape (which helps the fibro big time). I do not feel depressed like I did (except for the seriously miserable days). I have learned what does and does not work for me. I am proud of myself for not giving up and still going after solutions. I know I will probably have to live with pain and have come to terms with that. That said, I will do whatever is in my power to reduce and cope with the pain the best I can.
Cheers
