Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, I went through a time of transformation. Fundamentals were questioned and tested, statements were wanting to be clarified, and it was time to figure some things out.

October was a busy month for me; travelled twice within two weeks out of province. In a word: a whirlwind month. One of the statements that became a question occurred when I stepped off the train when I got to Halifax. I lived there for four years (last two years of my bachelor degree and completed my masters degree there). It was the closest I ever found to calling a place home; it was a place where I felt that I belonged. So, when I stepped off the train that day, I said to myself "welcome home!(?)". Yes, there was a question mark in that statement. That set the mood for the next 24 hours. It was a strange visit indeed. The city had changed and the feeling associated with it wasn't the same. The scene at the B&B was just plain odd and rather emotional actually. I was annoyed while trying to keep it all in perspective. The whole time, the question of "home" kept playing over in my mind. Where is home? What is home? How do I know what is home? When did I last feel at "home"? and so on. You can imagine the range of questions going through my little analytical mind. Of course, the statement "home is where the heart is" played into mind which lead to questions such as, "where is my heart?". It was a snowball effect with no clear direction or answer. I let it be, like I do with questions like that. I let them alone in the back of mind to be figured out.

When you think of home, there are a lot of things to consider. The reason I stayed around where I am living now is to be close to my family. Period. I even finally let myself get a car, which cemented the idea of staying around here. I have a wonderful house that I can't imagine giving up, my dogs and cats are happy here, I have some good friends, my family is here (parents, brother and his fiancee, and Nannie), and I have a pretty good job. I had a hard time adjusting my first two years here, but made it work. I got sober and have stuck to my guns since. I got a car so I can work on another job, and most importantly, go visit my family and have more freedom to see friends and do other things. It was a big step. But, there was something still missing.

Funny, that statement has come again "home is where the heart is". The question I was asking was "where is home" and only a bit on "where is my heart". I should have focused on my heart, for my heart was hidden and unsure. I love my friends and family, but it's a different kind of love. I dated, but nothing really kept for long. There were nagging feelings or little flags to be weary of that would finally end things. I have learned to listen very closely to my gut and damn glad for that. Today, I am in love and am loved by a wonderful man. I feel content and happy. Finally, I am making plans to stay around here; looking at where I want to live or build in the future. I want to create something for myself. Today I found my heart whispering, "this is home". My heart finally found its home. Welcome home.

Holiday season is upon us and other adventures

The holidays are a special time of year where much cheer is shared. It is also the time when your body can become week and the months take their toll. I got my second cold this semester and it did not want to leave me alone, for almost a whole week. On the upside, I rested enough to not aggravate the fibro. Today, I finally have more of a voice and only a little bit of a cough. You can bet that I am looking forward to the holidays to fully get my energy back. The only exercise I have done this last week is shovel snow. On Sunday we got 27 cm of snow (almost a foot) and then another 26 on Wednesday. There is 3-4 feet of snow in my backyard thanks to light and fluffy snow and snowdrifts. The dogs are anxious because I haven't been able to get them out for a walk, thanks to being sick. They know I love them and they know I am not feeling well. But, that doesn't make it any less difficult for them, or for me for that matter. Take it one day at a time.

One piece of news is that I have someone in my life now who wants to help me out. I have a wonderful boyfriend who wants to see me happy and helps me out when he can, even if it's just little things like bringing up fire brick boxes from the basement. He didn't really understand what the fibro does to me, but he wanted to and even took the initiative to find out more so he could offer me better support. It's a beautiful feeling to feel light, free, warm, and happy. I don't know how I could smile much more than I already am. We see the beauty, wonder and potential in each other that we don't often see in ourselves. We build each other up through touch and whispers without imposing. It can only get better from here.

It's not often I write about the plus sides of having human companionship. Not long ago I did rant on about having standards, which I have decided are very important. When you find someone who fills those standards, and even goes above and beyond, it's a beautiful thing. For anyone looking for a good relationship blog, when I was going through little my emotional crisis (okay, not really crisis as much as trying to figure out what in the heck was going through my head and heart), I stumbled across one by a James Sama http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/. No matter what your health status is or what is going on, he has some nice pearls of wisdom there. It's nice to have that reassurance and confirmation of how things should be every now and then.

Cheers :)