Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, I went through a time of transformation. Fundamentals were questioned and tested, statements were wanting to be clarified, and it was time to figure some things out.

October was a busy month for me; travelled twice within two weeks out of province. In a word: a whirlwind month. One of the statements that became a question occurred when I stepped off the train when I got to Halifax. I lived there for four years (last two years of my bachelor degree and completed my masters degree there). It was the closest I ever found to calling a place home; it was a place where I felt that I belonged. So, when I stepped off the train that day, I said to myself "welcome home!(?)". Yes, there was a question mark in that statement. That set the mood for the next 24 hours. It was a strange visit indeed. The city had changed and the feeling associated with it wasn't the same. The scene at the B&B was just plain odd and rather emotional actually. I was annoyed while trying to keep it all in perspective. The whole time, the question of "home" kept playing over in my mind. Where is home? What is home? How do I know what is home? When did I last feel at "home"? and so on. You can imagine the range of questions going through my little analytical mind. Of course, the statement "home is where the heart is" played into mind which lead to questions such as, "where is my heart?". It was a snowball effect with no clear direction or answer. I let it be, like I do with questions like that. I let them alone in the back of mind to be figured out.

When you think of home, there are a lot of things to consider. The reason I stayed around where I am living now is to be close to my family. Period. I even finally let myself get a car, which cemented the idea of staying around here. I have a wonderful house that I can't imagine giving up, my dogs and cats are happy here, I have some good friends, my family is here (parents, brother and his fiancee, and Nannie), and I have a pretty good job. I had a hard time adjusting my first two years here, but made it work. I got sober and have stuck to my guns since. I got a car so I can work on another job, and most importantly, go visit my family and have more freedom to see friends and do other things. It was a big step. But, there was something still missing.

Funny, that statement has come again "home is where the heart is". The question I was asking was "where is home" and only a bit on "where is my heart". I should have focused on my heart, for my heart was hidden and unsure. I love my friends and family, but it's a different kind of love. I dated, but nothing really kept for long. There were nagging feelings or little flags to be weary of that would finally end things. I have learned to listen very closely to my gut and damn glad for that. Today, I am in love and am loved by a wonderful man. I feel content and happy. Finally, I am making plans to stay around here; looking at where I want to live or build in the future. I want to create something for myself. Today I found my heart whispering, "this is home". My heart finally found its home. Welcome home.