I hadn't been feeling well for a while and it just kept seeming to get worse and I wasn't sure as to why. I was doing a lot of things right but was exhausted. What I didn't calculate was the impact of emotional exhaustion on my physical well-being. I had discovered this correlation in one of my last relationships and when it just got to be too stressful and unhealthy, I decided to end things. It was the best decision for both of us and now he is with a wonderful match for himself. It was time of growth and renewed understanding of one another and I have absolutely no regrets. What I forgot about what a little lesson I learned in it as well when I was up in the middle of the night worried about him driving home after going out for a few drinks and puffs: relationships can also be emotionally draining. What I now know is that drain was minor compared to my most recent experience.
Most recently, I was dating someone with many excellent qualities and few detrimental flaws. He was nice, loving, caring, helpful, huge heart, intimate, chivalrous, and all those things. But, of course there is a "but". There was something when I met him in my gut that told me it could go really well or not. Just that little feeling there but I pursued anyway once he came back into my life and started pursuing me to be in a relationship. It is almost comical lately with all the articles that have been published recently on things to keep an eye out in relationships. Oh gosh, there were a few things that I tagged with yellow and orange flags. There was anger issues, jealousy issues from past marriage (and a whole host of other things with that), control issues, and other little things that nagged at my mind. I tucked them away. I took his racist comments in stride, took his negative outlook with a grain of salt. I was patient and saw him come away from some of his negativity and anger. It did not go away, though. It all came to a head when he had to leave for work. After about a month it only got worse. I felt like the pillar holding it together with having to constantly reassure him of my feelings and of our status. Constantly. It was draining. Everyday involved having a heavy relationship-centred discussion, almost as if the only thing we had in common was our relationship. I understood his neediness and gave into it, to a degree. There were certain things I simply put my foot down on like being able to hang out with my friends. I was going to go see my (male) friends no matter what. I took some concessions like hanging out in public and not inviting them over to make him feel more at ease. Maybe it wasn't enough but I am not about to completely change certain things about my life for a guy. I am not willing to sacrifice myself. I am realizing the more I type about this, the longer the list is in my head of all the little things I flagged over the three months. Yes, after three months I was emotionally exhausted.
Emotionally I needed help, I felt like I was drowning and unsure of what to do. I finally sought out my former counsellor. I didn't care if I had to pay out of pocket for it, I needed it. It was indeed exactly what I needed. It put a lot of things in perspective. I sometimes forget how far I have I have come, forget to have confidence and trust in myself and what my feelings/gut tells me. I had the feeling in my gut that I needed out but was scared to do so. The list of why I was scared was long and varied; some having to do with me, others with him. I knew it would crush him. I also didn't want to "fail" another relationship. Oh gosh, my counsellor had a field day with the idea not wanting to leave because it would be like "failing" another relationship. Failure is perspective, I guess. I feel like I have failed in so many things and yet I know that so many of those things are/were completely out of my control. I can't control that my health went to shit, I can only deal with it in the present and future. I feel like I fail my dogs when I can't get them out for a walk. I feel like a failure in so many things and actually wanted a relationship to work. But, I am not willing to sacrifice myself just to be with someone. So I ended things. And I felt free because of it. Then and there, I knew it was the right decision. I gave it my all and tried. I hope to hell he does well and gets the emotional help he needs to deal with a lot of his issues. If he does that for himself, there is nothing that will stop him. I can't afford to be the one to walk him through it all, as I feared would happen from the moment I met him. I had faith and hope he would take care of himself as he should. But, after a while, I had to look out for myself.
Exhaustion takes place in many ways. It is easy to forget the emotional type until it happens. It is hard to recognize to until you really take a look at things. You check off the list of all the good things that you are doing to manage your health and still wonder what the hell is going on. Well, look at the mental and emotional aspects of your life too. They can reveal an awful lot about what is going on. It might not be something with your significant other, could be a friendship, familial relationships, working relationships, etc. It is important to learn the signs and develop positive mechanisms to not just cope but to positively deal with the problems at hand. Develop good communication skills to express the problem, seek counselling, do whatever it takes to get the problem aired out and dealt with. There is always a way, there is always a solution. Even if the solution seems harder than letting it slide, question priorities and then decide what is best for you and your loved ones.
The up/downside of all of this is that I realize that I am stronger and better able to take care of myself on my own. I am going to focus on creating a good network of friends and keeping my environment safe, healthy and happy. I am independent and proud of it. I do indeed know what is best for myself. I shall try to never forget how strong I truly am and how much I am my own best friend.
