I debated on which blog to write this post. This blog has become my mainstay and my other one is becoming a testament of darker times that I hardly visit any more, which I take as a good sign. I imagine, at some point, I will print/save it all in the near future to keep as a memory.
Writing about love and romance is not easy for me as I have focused on so many other things instead and left my heart out of it (may have even forgot). In my other blog, it was the darkness that had to be released. In this blog, it is focused on my health and well being. I guess that's how this fits in to this blog. Love is part of my health and well-being.
A few weeks ago I chose to use a different online dating site that is of higher calibre than the free site that most use. I didn't want to put myself through that misery again but I was starting to feel the need for human contact and a touch of loneliness. In the week of the free trial, I started to get to know someone who I thought was quite interesting. He was very interested in me as well and in one conversation we got to the "what are your intentions" question. His answer was to find love. This caused me some pause and my heart to flutter a moment. In the past, I would have been quick to rebuke this notion and think nothing of the sort for myself. Instead, something else happened: I realized that's what I want too, that I deserve love. This was a pivotal moment in my life. When I look back at my relationships and wonder at the love that was had in them, I realize that I did love some guys but most times it was in passing or automatic. There have been two occasions of heart wrenching love: in 2000-2001 (it was never really the same after that) and in 2007 (one sided). In the same year of 2007, I thought I had love but my heart refused it and screwed it badly, beyond repair. I could go into the whys and hows of how I lost the feeling in my heart over the years. I know a big part of it was the complete lack of self-esteem/worth/compassion and denying the existence of my romantic side. I didn't think it worth while to let myself be the sweet, romantic girl I am inside. Instead, I went more leather than vanilla. Over the years, I have let myself be more vanilla.
Every girl dreams of being swept off her feet and feeling that pain in her chest, that knowing that someone out there cares for her and loves her for her (and that she loves him for him). I didn't think myself as being that kind of girl. I lost that sensation in my chest. I realize now that I have allowed myself to become disconnected from my heart. Over the last 7 years, I have been piecing myself back together and becoming in touch with many aspects of myself that were lost to me. Now it is time to work on my heart and acknowledge my true nature. Because, damnit, I want that pain in my chest, I want to feel special and cared for, I want to look forward to the small moments, I want to feel loved and love someone with my entire being equally, and I want to be accepted for who I am. I am an intelligent, educated, independent, passionate, good looking girl with a personality to boot. Yes, I may be insecure sometimes. I may need someone who will be patient with me as I work things out. What I do know for sure is that I am becoming a stronger woman each day and am learning how to love myself. But not just love myself, but trust myself and the woman I am. It is a beautiful thing :)
The guy I went out on a few dates was not be the one for me, but I can move forward with this knowledge and revelations (which made meeting him very worth while).
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