Freedom

I have been abused and bullied for a good portion of my life: sexually, verbally, emotionally. The other day, I was able to deal with the latest which also touches the first encounter. At least this time it only took less than two years to speak about it with a professional. When I left, I felt free and yet exhausted. Like a little knot in my heart finally unravelled. This new feeling has left me weak and an opportunity to rebuild. I compartmentalized every abuse so I couldn't feel anything. Truth be told, I have only been learning how to feel for only a few years now. It is a strange knowledge to have, not knowing how to genuinely feel. Some feelings are positive and other negative. But, like most adults who experienced sexual abuse as a child, the ability to feel and deal with things becomes distorted. Especially with dealing with new sexual abuses. I was date raped almost two years ago. I dealt with it like I dealt with the other abuses: I hide away and compartmentalized everything. Little did I know the subtle impacts it would have on my life like coming out of the closet, becoming disgusted by sex and shying away from relationships, to wanting to move away. I lived in a blur for the few weeks after, as the physical bruises slowly vanished, the emotional ones take much longer to fade away. I thought I had dealt with it. Then I finally found the right question to ask in a counselling session which sparked tears. Tears that I should have shed long ago but never did. Tears are very healing and signs of moving in a new direction. They undo knots and provide relief from mumbled sobs of anger and sadness. The sadness of seeing those around you know and still deal with the burden on your own. The difference this time round is that I have help from a wonderful counsellor. Knowing that I have three cats and a dog always wanting to make me feel better is a blessing. I have best friend now that I know if I had known her when it happened that I would have been able to confide in a heartbeat. But at the same time, dealing with such hurt is a personal thing. History has a way of repeating itself, so then it was repeated. The one thing I am glad of is that I had the opportunity to finally deal with the childhood hurt and face that demon too.
Part of that demon and effect of knowing abuse is the ability to have proper, health relationships. From my very first one, I experienced abuse and hurt. This trend continued until I decided to just simply drop out of the dating game. Going for more "safe bets" but not staying around too long. Over this last year, I have not felt comfortable with dating. The only exception is my ex from this year because I knew him 10 years ago, in another lifetime. He was safe in his own way (but in truth is a complete jackass horndog). Before I can have something healthy and lasting, I need to be well. I need to heal and feel comfortable in my own skin without beating myself up for things I could hardly control.
I am a strong, confident woman who will go far in life. I know what I want and I need to celebrate that. The answers I need are in my heart and I shouldn't ignore them. Maybe I will start writing again, as I lost that when I lost myself again. Everything will be right again.... I know that for sure.