Love and other Drugs

For some strange reason, I have been thinking of Anne Hathway's character in "Love and Other Drugs". It is a story of a young woman who has MS back when the big pharma companies were starting to boom. She ends up meeting a drug rep, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, (who pitches Viagra when it first comes available on the market) at one of her doctor appointments. The relationship line is drawn at sex by Anne when Jake comes back after a steamy night in bed. But, like any relationship it gets complicated and she doesn't want a relationship because of the burden she feels to be in any relationship. Well, right here is where I am paralleling myself.
I have written a few different blogs on relationships over the time on here. It is a long process, figuring out where I stand, how I see things, what have I done and could do, etc. This is honestly an issue I have been avoiding for years, but I knew it would have to be dealt with at some point. I had to wait until I was ready, essentially. With my maturing and realizations, I am getting there.
In a few conversations that I have had recently, I have stated that, "I cannot get into another relationship", which is true. Then this reflection occurred:
The hard part is that I have a intense, passionate heart that does want love, companionship and a whole lot of that wonderfulness. But, I know that next time will be nurtured, take time to develop, and be lasting. Not rushed into, not spearheaded by my heart, over excitement at finding a connection. I look, evaluate, and analyze, as I usually do with most things. Unfortunately, many of my relationships started before I finished my analysis for the right fit. And that is why I have soo many short term relationships. I figure it out in about a month, three tops. The third month is usually to give room for a margin of error and to see if I can be proven wrong. Some things cannot be undone and I no longer believe that I lost a piece of myself in each relationship (thanks to my counsellor). I have learned a hell of a lot in my experiences. That said, I am jaded, cynical and extremely careful. I am picky but more willing to give my body to someone than my heart. I value, respect and appreciate my heart (probably because I know what's it like to be the opposite)­. If it takes until I am 60 to meet the man of my dreams (ie. the one who I will love and that he will love me, support each other, and complete each other), then so be it. I worry when it comes to meeting a guy my age or younger and wants a family because I do not know if that is in my cards. That will ultimately come down between us. I sometimes don't know when flirting means more than just that, sometimes when the friend line has been drawn, sometimes when there is really something and one of us is too chicken shit. Try to play it cool, or find ways to talk it out so everything is understood.  It is so complex and dynamic and beautiful all at the same time. Relationships are precious and should not be squandered. They can mean everything and so quickly be nothing. I focus on myself instead and becoming awesome. So that someone has someone awesome with which to fall in love and live life to the fullest. I want it to be beautiful, heart wrenching but the most wonderful experience of my life. I believe in gentlemen, chivalry and being "courted". I may scoff romantic gestures, but really I am denying myself. I realize I must stop denying myself how I truly feel about things.

Logistically speaking #fibromyalgia #fibro #spoonie

In a world of misery and pain, it is sometimes hard to enjoy the life you think you should have or dream of. Sometimes there are so many things given up when life changes so drastically. No longer able to keep up, spending days in pain or in utter fatigue that doing nothing is really the only thing you can do. At best, the bare minimum. There are a lot of adjustments and even a mourning phase. In mourning it is easy to compare against what was and everyone else. It does pass after a while. Because, like anything, you must adjust. It is a silly example, but when you miss the bus or an appointment get cancelled, we must adjust and change plans. When you no longer have money to do something particular, you find other ways to enjoy your time anyway. When you no longer have the energy to do many things, you save your spoons like crazy!
I am always in my head, I think logics and logistically. I am grateful for this. I think to myself "can I do this?", "okay, well, what I am doing the day or two after?", "okay, how much time will I need to recover if I do this?". I plan out my days, in a way. I went all out last week, went out two late nights, had busy evenings, cleaned all day Saturday. I knew this week's evenings were pretty open. Well, guess what, I have been in recovery since Sunday morning. I am only now starting to get back to getting things done. Sometimes no drugs can help, only rest. I must adapt. I must assimilate. I will be assimilated.
Assimilation isn't a bad thing. It's like learning how to work the system from the inside. What better way to get ahead of things? I understand and listen to how I feel. That's all that matters. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Like anything in life.
The past few weeks have brought on almost a rejuvenation to my life. I am seeing things differently and developing new mechanisms. After the last posting, life really did start to look different to me. A lot of the time it does come down to perception. Sometimes though, one has to wonder if it is really the situation or the perception of the situation. In any case, things changed.
Quite a few things happened over the last few weeks that changed things for me: the breakup, the desire to move again, making new friendship with my awesome roommate (who has since moved on to her next adventure), pain relief (which opened up a whole other world of joy for me), and changing my view points. When it came to the idea of moving again, I do have that deadline of September 2015 in my head only because of my mortgage renewal. Who knows what will happen between now and then. Of course, my mom said to me that I don't need to move, I just need to travel. So, I did look at my budget and am planning a mini-vacation in June. It will be that photography vacation I have been wanting to take. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure! She is right that I do keep finding myself in the same trap where I focus so damned much on getting debt paid that I lose sight of enjoying life and then find myself wanting to be free again. The vicious cycle, it must be stopped. I have a "plan" and things will work out :)
Sometimes, that's all it is is faith that things will work out. Doesn't come without effort. It takes thought and a ton of effort. I know...