In a world of misery and pain, it is sometimes hard to enjoy the life you think you should have or dream of. Sometimes there are so many things given up when life changes so drastically. No longer able to keep up, spending days in pain or in utter fatigue that doing nothing is really the only thing you can do. At best, the bare minimum. There are a lot of adjustments and even a mourning phase. In mourning it is easy to compare against what was and everyone else. It does pass after a while. Because, like anything, you must adjust. It is a silly example, but when you miss the bus or an appointment get cancelled, we must adjust and change plans. When you no longer have money to do something particular, you find other ways to enjoy your time anyway. When you no longer have the energy to do many things, you save your spoons like crazy!
I am always in my head, I think logics and logistically. I am grateful for this. I think to myself "can I do this?", "okay, well, what I am doing the day or two after?", "okay, how much time will I need to recover if I do this?". I plan out my days, in a way. I went all out last week, went out two late nights, had busy evenings, cleaned all day Saturday. I knew this week's evenings were pretty open. Well, guess what, I have been in recovery since Sunday morning. I am only now starting to get back to getting things done. Sometimes no drugs can help, only rest. I must adapt. I must assimilate. I will be assimilated.
Assimilation isn't a bad thing. It's like learning how to work the system from the inside. What better way to get ahead of things? I understand and listen to how I feel. That's all that matters. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Like anything in life.
The past few weeks have brought on almost a rejuvenation to my life. I am seeing things differently and developing new mechanisms. After the last posting, life really did start to look different to me. A lot of the time it does come down to perception. Sometimes though, one has to wonder if it is really the situation or the perception of the situation. In any case, things changed.
Quite a few things happened over the last few weeks that changed things for me: the breakup, the desire to move again, making new friendship with my awesome roommate (who has since moved on to her next adventure), pain relief (which opened up a whole other world of joy for me), and changing my view points. When it came to the idea of moving again, I do have that deadline of September 2015 in my head only because of my mortgage renewal. Who knows what will happen between now and then. Of course, my mom said to me that I don't need to move, I just need to travel. So, I did look at my budget and am planning a mini-vacation in June. It will be that photography vacation I have been wanting to take. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure! She is right that I do keep finding myself in the same trap where I focus so damned much on getting debt paid that I lose sight of enjoying life and then find myself wanting to be free again. The vicious cycle, it must be stopped. I have a "plan" and things will work out :)
Sometimes, that's all it is is faith that things will work out. Doesn't come without effort. It takes thought and a ton of effort. I know...
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