Love and other Drugs

For some strange reason, I have been thinking of Anne Hathway's character in "Love and Other Drugs". It is a story of a young woman who has MS back when the big pharma companies were starting to boom. She ends up meeting a drug rep, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, (who pitches Viagra when it first comes available on the market) at one of her doctor appointments. The relationship line is drawn at sex by Anne when Jake comes back after a steamy night in bed. But, like any relationship it gets complicated and she doesn't want a relationship because of the burden she feels to be in any relationship. Well, right here is where I am paralleling myself.
I have written a few different blogs on relationships over the time on here. It is a long process, figuring out where I stand, how I see things, what have I done and could do, etc. This is honestly an issue I have been avoiding for years, but I knew it would have to be dealt with at some point. I had to wait until I was ready, essentially. With my maturing and realizations, I am getting there.
In a few conversations that I have had recently, I have stated that, "I cannot get into another relationship", which is true. Then this reflection occurred:
The hard part is that I have a intense, passionate heart that does want love, companionship and a whole lot of that wonderfulness. But, I know that next time will be nurtured, take time to develop, and be lasting. Not rushed into, not spearheaded by my heart, over excitement at finding a connection. I look, evaluate, and analyze, as I usually do with most things. Unfortunately, many of my relationships started before I finished my analysis for the right fit. And that is why I have soo many short term relationships. I figure it out in about a month, three tops. The third month is usually to give room for a margin of error and to see if I can be proven wrong. Some things cannot be undone and I no longer believe that I lost a piece of myself in each relationship (thanks to my counsellor). I have learned a hell of a lot in my experiences. That said, I am jaded, cynical and extremely careful. I am picky but more willing to give my body to someone than my heart. I value, respect and appreciate my heart (probably because I know what's it like to be the opposite)­. If it takes until I am 60 to meet the man of my dreams (ie. the one who I will love and that he will love me, support each other, and complete each other), then so be it. I worry when it comes to meeting a guy my age or younger and wants a family because I do not know if that is in my cards. That will ultimately come down between us. I sometimes don't know when flirting means more than just that, sometimes when the friend line has been drawn, sometimes when there is really something and one of us is too chicken shit. Try to play it cool, or find ways to talk it out so everything is understood.  It is so complex and dynamic and beautiful all at the same time. Relationships are precious and should not be squandered. They can mean everything and so quickly be nothing. I focus on myself instead and becoming awesome. So that someone has someone awesome with which to fall in love and live life to the fullest. I want it to be beautiful, heart wrenching but the most wonderful experience of my life. I believe in gentlemen, chivalry and being "courted". I may scoff romantic gestures, but really I am denying myself. I realize I must stop denying myself how I truly feel about things.