The secrets that makeup hide

I am not much for makeup but lately I have been wanting to get a nice foundation to help smooth out my complexion. My face is always red (natural redhead and rosacea). But when it comes down to it, I just realized it does more than that. I'm not feeling terribly well today and just vented a bit to my sister-in-law who had a "hunch" that things weren't going too well this week. A passing thought afterwords was "at least I look good". At least I look good? Part of the make up and dressing smart is to hide how I really feel. At least if I look good on the outside, I have that to feel good about and to appear to be doing well to the outsider.

I am so exhausted today. At least it is not as bad as Monday when I felt like simultaneously passing out and curling up in a ball in pain. But it is close. Even swimming 15 minutes was exhausting! The walk back home after just made me feel like I wanted to pass out. But that's okay. I will keep with it. The trick is keep other activities to a minimum until I feel better again. Better is a subjective term, but I will go with it. I am proud of myself for deciding to go with the workout thing and sticking with it. I realized today my goals are a tad lofty, to get up to 45minutes of each gym and swimming after 8 weeks. I am in week two and at 15 swimming and 25 gym/videos exercise. But that is success in itself and I should not be discouraged. If it takes longer, then that's the way it is and I will gladly reevaluate as necessary. My sister in law agreed to go to the gym with me on a Saturday sometime soon to help come up with a workout routine, which I am very much looking forward to and quite grateful for the help.

So, one more week to go and then I have a five day weekend with which I can relax and get back to par. The trick is to not take on any major projects (like painting).

Cheers

That feeling of having done too much

I got out swimming again this morning (yay!) and was about 13 minutes in and was going to do another lap but my body went "whoa" so I dove under the lane divider and headed home. I had woken up tired and not wanting to move to begin with which is hard to know if it is because I am truly exhausted or that I just can't wake up very easily. This morning it was the exhausted, as I later found out. This morning at work was a mixture between wanting desperately to pass out while simultaneously writhing in pain. I knew what I had to do at lunch to make it alright, and it is now bearable and I can function.

When I started the whole workout this last Tuesday, I knew that it would result in 2-3 weeks of mild misery. I have identified the difference between workout aches and fibro aches. I learnt that I can still swim fairly well and can jog longer intervals and about different gym equipment. On Friday my legs ached and were difficult to move and I got cranky. The crankiness comes from the fatigue, I'm sure of it. Saturday I made sure to go to the gym to talk with the trainer on site to learn about certain machines so I have no excuse this week. The thing is that I also went out on Saturday night for the first time since before Christmas. It was fun, it was great and spent with my awesome neighbours. It was a worthwhile adventure.

So, I am silently sending out wishes for every one to bear with me while I get this routine on track. It means early mornings but planning for them the evening before. It means using a lot more energy than I am used to. It means discovering forgottten muscles. It means being healthier, having stronger muscles, and making the most out of my potential. It means me being me.

Positive changes

This last week I have had a change of mindframe.

Spring Fever

It has been a little bit since my last posting. There have been some good developments since then. I finally went to see my doctor about my medication. Somehow I call when there's an intern, which I don't mind at all. Anyway, I explained how I noticed that I am able to touch my toes only at night (which is after I take my Lyrica). So they decided to increase my daytime amount. Guess what! I was able to touch my toes a couple of hours after taking the new dose! I went to my physiotherapy appointment later that day and was able to show him. About a week or two later I had my massage therapy session and he found that my muscles were much more willing to release. The best guess as to why all this happens is because the Lyrica reduces my muscle guarding. I have always have had stiff and very tense muscles. Now that I am taking a good dose of the Lyrica and able to touch my toes and my muscles don't get quite as tense, I am left wondering how long have I really had the fibro? All these "symptoms" are not new to me, they have been my reality for most of my life. I doubt I will ever really have an answer to that question.

Life has been a precarious balance between doing too much and not doing enough. Finally my body decided that I have been doing too much and ended up having to take my first sick day this year (so proud of myself for having lasted this long). Then of course over the weekend, when I finally had energy again, the spring cleaning bug hit and I cleaned, tidied, and organized key areas of my house. It has now been three days that my kitchen has kept tidy and it will stay that way! Good thing I knew when enough was enough and didn't get to scrubbing the cabinets.

This morning I realized that I have been gaining weight. So finally I bit the bullet and weighed myself... the dreaded 130 appeared on the scales. The reason I dread seeing that is because I was 150+lbs at one point. So that 130 is my red flag to make sure I do not surpass that number. Losing 5-10 pounds is easier than 20-30. I knew that this was coming as my jacket and shoes were not fitting like they were. It is a good thing that I still have some clothes from when I was heavier. After work today I will be heading the campus gym to check it out and quite possibly pay for a membership. I will be armed with my workout gear in the even I do decided to join. I do worse, fibrowise, as I get heavier. My back and feet are hurting more and it might explain how much more fatigued I am. In addition to the gym, I am happy to say that I have been cooking real meals again for the last week. Which leads me to another point... What the hell happened in January and February?

Each year I push the weight envelope a bit and don't eat well or don't do something for a couple of months each year. Usually it happens after Christmas. When I drank it was booze... and it was usually about this time of year I came out from my blitz going "okay! I have got to stop drinking". This year, now that I do not drink, it is "okay! I have got to stop eating so much". Have I gone from one crutch to another? It is quite possible. Now is the time to wonder how to prevent it next year. The trouble is that is comes and settles around me so quietly and unnoticed until it is well on the way. A point to ponder.