: a level of quality, achievement, etc., that is considered acceptable or desirable
: something that is very good and that is used to make judgments about the quality of other things
: something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example : CRITERION
: something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/standard)
So they are a way of measuring, a criteria, and is usually established. So, who establishes a standard? In the medical field, there are experts to identify standards. In our own personal lives though, we are our own experts on our own lives; we must define our own standards. Well, how in the hell do you do that???
Where is this all coming from? Well, I met someone before Halloween and it was good but it was moving far quicker and deeper than I could even keep up with. Unfortunately, after a series of emotional betrayals, external and internal, I caved and ran away. I had a list of things that he didn't quite fit the bill with (job, housing, financial, etc). But, are those important standards to a relationship? I don't know. I wavered on it, and thought other things most important. But they all play a role. It didn't help that I do listen to pressures from my family and friends. All the warnings, all of the "be carefuls"... I should learn to keep my love life to myself and only expose it when I am good and ready to. It would save a whole hell of a lot of hassle. Like every time I was just beginning to kick an addiction and then people got involved, I had a set back and was looked upon even worse than had I not said anything at all. Anyway, standards...
To know your standards, you must know the deal breakers. I have my list of very clear deal breakers:
- unhealthy lifestyle
- heavy drinker or drug user
- disrespectful and completely inconsiderate
- lazy and no ambition at all
I want someone to accept me for me, and that includes all of my flaws. If my house is a mess because I've been in a flare for a week, I would hope for some compassion and maybe even some help. Yes, a flare is one of my flaws. I could list all of my flaws, but they are mine and it gets rather negative. I can turn around so many negatives into positives. I realize that how someone else perceives me can often times be way different than how I see myself.
I want to be able to accept the person for who they are, in their entirety. And yet, be willing to work towards or already fit into my standards. If I thought very glossily at my current standards, they might look like something like this:
- caring and compassionate
- passionate
- has a stable job and housing situation
- ambitious but makes time for us
- willing to put up with my nuances
I want to be courted and adored. If I need time to figure things out, I need that distance to sort things out. I am not used to this emotional playing field. I knew I would have to deal with it at some point. Of course, it is now, when I am without my counsellor (but working at getting that approved again). My wires are crossed inside and I am sitting in a tangled mess.
To help sort out this mess, me being me, I started to look up what is meant by "standards". I found a few different articles about why they are important to have. If I look at the article found at http://uscworkandfamilylife.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/setting-standards-for-a-healthy-relationship/, I believe that I have my "fundamentals" listed. I also agree with all of the standards listed in the article. What I find interesting is that they consider education, profession and income as wish list items. To my family, those items seem to be fundamental items. In turn, they weigh heavily on my mind too.
This article http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Articles/Relationships/Three-Requirements-For-Any-Healthy-Relationship.html reminds that "Everybody is unique, no two relationships are the exact same. It's perfectly normal to be a little bit afraid, but don't let fear rule your judgment." Their three requirements are simple: communication, mind-set and chemistry. Isn't that enough?
There are a few more articles I read. Maybe it shouldn't be just about the standards I set for him, but the standards I set for myself too. I have to know what I want, who I am, and all of that. I also need to take my time and not let myself be railroaded. I need to consider a lot of different things. This is only the beginning of this thought process. I have yet to define my own standards and maybe then I will have an easier time knowing what is a fundamental and what should be a wish list item. I need to put it on paper and list it all.
Structure and logistics are natural to me and help me make sense of the world. I have been accused to not using my heart enough, but even my heart needs such structures to help it along and keep from being hurt. My head and heart are learning how to work together in harmony. I belief it should be a balance, especially when determining standards.
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