I've been stuck, I've not felt open to writing about much of anything for months now. This blog is a good example of that as my last entry was near the end of May. Why the silence? Why the lack of expression? Even as I am typing this, I feel a restraint in the flow. Considering how much I have relied on my written expression over the years, this does cause some concern. Part of me knows why I have hid... almost a touch of shame in there really. I can see the words in my mind but they are blurred behind a fog. I know that fog, and I know it well.
I have come to learn of different types of fogs and have had to decide on the lesser of evils. I have had to choose between a fog of pain and a fog of medication. The medication has helped me get my life back to a degree because it sometimes lifts of the fog of pain. But then I am stuck with the euphoria of the medication and that is a trap in and of itself. Last year I managed to go without for a long period of time, until the barometric pressure went crazy in the winter time and all hell broke lose in my body. I actually recently found an article on fibromyalgia that includes the "barometric body" phenomenon (http://www.peacefulmeadow.com/resources/articles/fibromyalgia/). It states that, "Variations of the above symptoms will vary according to activity level, stress and weather conditions (worsens when barometric pressure drops before storms)". Oh, how true it is. I am frustrated and tired on so many levels. The not-so-funny part is that I just came back to work after three weeks of vacation. Most of my vacation was spent going whichever way the day ended up going, sometimes ending up going at least a 2 hour drive from home. Many kilometers were put on the car and spent in vehicles as a passenger. Two good things came out of my vacation: left work at work for three whole weeks and met someone very special (yes, there is now a guy in my life). There are other good things, no doubt, but those two stand out. Then there is a third....
If you have read any of my other entries, you can pretty much guess that if I find myself frustrated with my health status or any aspect of my life, I try to find a solution. I explore, I learn, I research, and seek out guidance. I make the changes necessary to improve my quality of life. Sometimes it requires going outside of the box and sometimes it requires more money than I have in my accounts (and I somehow make it happen). Thank goodness for being ever resourceful. Let me go back a few months. About a week before my last entry in May, I found myself heading toward to the ocean with a friend to go to a "conscious living coffee house", hosted by a lady by the name EagleSpirit. He was wondering why he was invited to go and I knew in part it was because I needed to go. This was the first of four coffee houses surrounding the "Four Energetic Bodies" (the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energetic bodies). The question at the beginning was to say in one word how you feel about your body. The word that came to mind was, "traitor". Not surprising, eh? How many people with chronic illness feel this way? The evening was rewarding and I managed to go to another before June insanity hit and have not been back much since. This outing introduced me to EagleSpirit, who is a "contemporary shaman". At once, I felt that I had met a kindred spirit, someone from who I could learn. Meeting the people at this group made way to attending a spiritual book club where I found more people with whom to connect. Thus began another period of change and growth.
Fast forward through June insanity and bam, vacation time snuck up on me. I wanted to do something important for myself, to help myself on all levels. So, I booked an appointment with EagleSpirit for an Energy Balancing. It is a huge advantage to feel comfortable with any practitioner and I was able to open up to her from the beginning. The energy that I felt that day was no figment of my imagination and a shift occurred within. It's like trying to open up a tricky vault locking mechanism system and another notch fell into place, closer to being able to unlock the door. I left there feeling more in tune with myself, with a stronger voice and more certain of "me". In the session she suggested doing a healing assessment (Hanna Kroeger Healing Assessment) to maybe deal with the fibro. Four days after the energy session, the flood gates opened within and I came out of denial about certain things in my life knowing that if I really wanted the truth I would have to do more work. I messaged her right away about my not-so-little breakthrough to book the appointment for the assessment. I have since done the assessment and started the remedies yesterday. Another piece to the puzzle. Here is where my thoughts go into a couple of different directions: what if what I call fibromyalgia is a combination of so many other things that must be dealt with independently and yet wholly?
When using medication, I ask myself, "how can I achieve this state without using medication?". I have also asked myself, "what 'state' is it that I achieve with the medication?". The medication I have currently gets me in touch with my body (and numbs out the pain)... so how else can I be in touch without the unwanted medication side effects? EagleSpirit has a workshop this weekend called "Empath 101". There was a cancellation and she felt compelled to ask me to take the spot. It is $$$ but, don't forget, I am ever resourceful. So many tools I have felt missing in my life for dealing with so much stuff. Plus, now that I am aligning my energetic bodies and becoming more in tune with myself, I am starting to deal with emotions that I am finding myself unsure how to handle. This workshop will teach me these tools to deal with being sensitive (to my environment, my body, my surroundings, people, etc) and for the next month I will have support in this journey through EagleSpirit.
Sometimes we must step outside of the box. Follow our instinct. My instincts have been guiding me along here to know what is right, what I must do. The medical community doesn't understand fibromyalgia, so it is not a stretch to seek other "doctors". Naturopathy helps, counselling helps.... Why not seek out the help of other specialists, even a shaman in this case. I am finding the more in touch with myself I become, the better I understand what I need to feel better. There are so many things to work out and learn. Opportunities and avenues to learn the necessary tools are not easy to find. So here begins my empathic journey. Even if I still have the pain and fatigue and everything else that is fibromyalgia, I know that I will be better for it overall and in the long run. I will do what I can to help myself to heal and to create a beautiful life that I deserve and want.
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