Progress is Happiness

Two posts in one night... this is a rarity. There is one thing I mentioned in the last post that really needs to be elaborated in another one to make sense. It's that feeling of having changed in light of seeing someone from your past. I am told at almost every visit to my counsellor how far I have come and how well I am doing. Sometimes I simply smile and nod, knowing vaguely that there is some truth to what she is saying but not totally believing it. It sounds odd, but I actually feel solid. That piece in my chest that was a shadow of me is actually there and I know who I am for once in my life. I know what I am doing, why I am doing it, and even a bit of where I am going. I know who I was, what has formed me, and the history of hurdles that has brought me here. For better or worse, I love me for me. And that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Friendship

What does friendship mean? How do you know if it is an acquaintanceship or a friendship? What happens when you realize a friendship is really an acquaintanceship? Do you change how you interact with the person? Do you continue as status quo? What differs the two? Oh so many questions about friendship. One thing is to have a relationship that is not frequently stressful, regardless of which category it fits into. 

I have had a lot of experiences in toxic relationships, unfortunately. At least I knew to leave when it was getting bad enough. Funny though, I am quicker to leave bad relationships or relationships that I do not see going anywhere than a friendship. I don't know if I really know the definition or a good friendship or even a good relationship. What is a healthy relationship or friendship or even acquaintanceship? I think this is important to evaluate from time to time. When I think of people I could call up and dish out on and hang out with, I do think of a few people and I cherish them. Sure, I don't know all the rules and have overstepped a couple of times in friendships while at the same time I am always ready to drop everything to help out a friend. I have noticed that as I grow and mature and become more confident with myself that I am attracting healthier relationships with people. They are real and tangible and equal. Even after not seeing someone for a while I see a difference in myself. I see a stronger person that can stand on her own two feet and not shying away, afraid of making the wrong move. But that's another blog post entirely; this one is about friends. 

I have to ask myself how important having friends is to me. Is it a must? Do I need them to function as a person? the answer is having a support network is important. I have learned that having people who love you and support you and are willing to put up with me (and vice versa) is very important. Being completely alone all the time is not the healthiest thing to do, especially when you are susceptible to depression. Having the cats and Jasper helps keep a lot of that away but at the same time having meaningful human contact outside of work is beneficial. It has been suggested to me to find a common interest group to go check out. It is something I have thought of time and time again but haven't really found one to go check out (and that doesn't cost too much). I love my house but getting out and about keeps a person sane. It's a matter of finding a balance. Ah, there's that keyword: balance. The key to life and happiness.... is finding overall balance. Is there a balance to be found in friendship? Well of course but what is it....

Thriving in defeat

I have spent part of the week trying not to feel defeated. How do I avoid that feeling? I think the problem is that I am trying to avoid it. It shouldn't be about avoiding but rather dealing with the feeling. Along with that feeling of possible defeat, anger boils under without really seeing it come. Little things pick here and there to be seen and misunderstood. I don't think there is a way to completely avoid it without having a little outburst. Part of me wants to simply hide in face of this defeat and be done with things. I am glad to know that things are simply not that simple. Yes, I am stuck in a box within certain constraints and have learned how to find freedom within that box. I am bound by student loan and other responsibilities to work to do what I need to do. I am bound by my health and have to listen to my body to make sure I keep everything in good shape to be able to continue my responsibilities that come along with the life I have. Yes, it is frustrating. But it is life. It is one of those weeks that you can come out stronger at the end. I am proud of how I dealt with this evening in the end of it all. Sure I faltered but I came home, took my meds, and immediately took Jasper out for a quick paced walk around the neighbourhood (by the way, he walked very well). Just doing that small action helped a great deal. Also, I am keeping with what I said in my last post to write it out. I know that the more I bottle stuff in, the worse things are in the long run. I also know I need some good music therapy in the near future.

Thriving

Good morning. It is a wonderful Friday! It has been productive already and even made it to work completely on time. I finally went to my doctor to talk about my Lyrica dosage. It was a smart thing to do. I have to admit that it helps. Hell, I can touch my toes when I take the right dosage because my muscles aren't completely contracted! Yesterday went fairly well for the first day. It was also a crazy Thursday with technical difficulties and everything. By some miracle, I wasn't cranky at the end of the crazy day :)

By the way, I did find out that it is just fibro with a ton of other symptoms that make my health difficult to deal with at times. I started a post a few weeks ago about this and even went to list all the little thing that I do have. In so many ways, it doesn't matter. I am not my health problems. I will deal with them and learn to still thrive in my life even though I have whatever. So many times over the last couple of years I have told myself that I am more than a survivor, I want to thrive. I have survived so many things that it has proved my resilience and determination to do what I need to do. A day with a smile throughout is a good day. No matter what happens, as long as that smile is there, it is a good day. I have to remember that each and every day.

With any problem, soon as awareness of what the problem is established, dealing with it becomes easier and then moving on is possible. It is true that sometimes we don't even know what the problem is until we ask the right question. How do you come to the right question? Discourse. Discovery through discourse is something I used to say when I was doing my bachelor degree. It is just as true today. Everytime I write, talk, and think aloud, I open myself up to discovering new information and even finding solutions. I think one of my resolutions should be to get back into writing. Unfortunately, I found myself in a bit of grey zone for a while which awake my shadow and numbed me to my interests. I am happy to say that I am now getting out more again, doing more with Jasper, keeping my house in order, and getting more organized.

Speaking of getting organized, I think I found a new way to keep my tasks in order at work. I have many projects on the go nowadays. So after wracking my brain of what to do as I need more than to do lists, I came up with buying a day planner. In the day planner I have a list of what I need to do. This list will continue to grow. I have notes pages to write in more detail the processes involved to complete the project. Then there are monthly calendars so I can write down deadlines that I create for the projects, even tiny steps of each project. Finally, there are weekly calendars where I can mark down what I did that day and plan for the next day(s). I have to keep on top of it, but I believe it will be useful. I will try it for this year and I will keep doing it if it does go as well as I have in mind.

Anyway, this post has gotten away on me. It feels so good to be writing again with such freedom.

Cheers