Find my voice, finding my way #myempathicjourney #energeticbodies #fibromyalgia #spoonies

I've been stuck, I've not felt open to writing about much of anything for months now. This blog is a good example of that as my last entry was near the end of May. Why the silence? Why the lack of expression? Even as I am typing this, I feel a restraint in the flow. Considering how much I have relied on my written expression over the years, this does cause some concern. Part of me knows why I have hid... almost a touch of shame in there really. I can see the words in my mind but they are blurred behind a fog. I know that fog, and I know it well.
I have come to learn of different types of fogs and have had to decide on the lesser of evils. I have had to choose between a fog of pain and a fog of medication. The medication has helped me get my life back to a degree because it sometimes lifts of the fog of pain. But then I am stuck with the euphoria of the medication and that is a trap in and of itself. Last year I managed to go without for a long period of time, until the barometric pressure went crazy in the winter time and all hell broke lose in my body. I actually recently found an article on fibromyalgia that includes the "barometric body" phenomenon (http://www.peacefulmeadow.com/resources/articles/fibromyalgia/). It states that, "Variations of the above symptoms will vary according to activity level, stress and weather conditions (worsens when barometric pressure drops before storms)". Oh, how true it is. I am frustrated and tired on so many levels. The not-so-funny part is that I just came back to work after three weeks of vacation. Most of my vacation was spent going whichever way the day ended up going, sometimes ending up going at least a 2 hour drive from home. Many kilometers were put on the car and spent in vehicles as a passenger. Two good things came out of my vacation: left work at work for three whole weeks and met someone very special (yes, there is now a guy in my life). There are other good things, no doubt, but those two stand out. Then there is a third....
If you have read any of my other entries, you can pretty much guess that if I find myself frustrated with my health status or any aspect of my life, I try to find a solution. I explore, I learn, I research, and seek out guidance. I make the changes necessary to improve my quality of life. Sometimes it requires going outside of the box and sometimes it requires more money than I have in my accounts (and I somehow make it happen). Thank goodness for being ever resourceful. Let me go back a few months. About a week before my last entry in May, I found myself heading toward to the ocean with a friend to go to a "conscious living coffee house", hosted by a lady by the name EagleSpirit. He was wondering why he was invited to go and I knew in part it was because I needed to go. This was the first of four coffee houses surrounding the "Four Energetic Bodies" (the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energetic bodies). The question at the beginning was to say in one word how you feel about your body. The word that came to mind was, "traitor". Not surprising, eh? How many people with chronic illness feel this way? The evening was rewarding and I managed to go to another before June insanity hit and have not been back much since. This outing introduced me to EagleSpirit, who is a "contemporary shaman". At once, I felt that I had met a kindred spirit, someone from who I could learn. Meeting the people at this group made way to attending a spiritual book club where I found more people with whom to connect. Thus began another period of change and growth.
Fast forward through June insanity and bam, vacation time snuck up on me. I wanted to do something important for myself, to help myself on all levels. So, I booked an appointment with EagleSpirit for an Energy Balancing. It is a huge advantage to feel comfortable with any practitioner and I was able to open up to her from the beginning. The energy that I felt that day was no figment of my imagination and a shift occurred within. It's like trying to open up a tricky vault locking mechanism system and another notch fell into place, closer to being able to unlock the door. I left there feeling more in tune with myself, with a stronger voice and more certain of "me". In the session she suggested doing a healing assessment (Hanna Kroeger Healing Assessment) to maybe deal with the fibro. Four days after the energy session, the flood gates opened within and I came out of denial about certain things in my life knowing that if I really wanted the truth I would have to do more work. I messaged her right away about my not-so-little breakthrough to book the appointment for the assessment. I have since done the assessment and started the remedies yesterday. Another piece to the puzzle. Here is where my thoughts go into a couple of different directions: what if what I call fibromyalgia is a combination of so many other things that must be dealt with independently and yet wholly?
When using medication, I ask myself, "how can I achieve this state without using medication?".  I have also asked myself, "what 'state' is it that I achieve with the medication?". The medication I have currently gets me in touch with my body (and numbs out the pain)... so how else can I be in touch without the unwanted medication side effects? EagleSpirit has a workshop this weekend called "Empath 101". There was a cancellation and she felt compelled to ask me to take the spot. It is $$$ but, don't forget, I am ever resourceful. So many tools I have felt missing in my life for dealing with so much stuff. Plus, now that I am aligning my energetic bodies and becoming more in tune with myself, I am starting to deal with emotions that I am finding myself unsure how to handle. This workshop will teach me these tools to deal with being sensitive (to my environment, my body, my surroundings, people, etc) and for the next month I will have support in this journey through EagleSpirit.
Sometimes we must step outside of the box. Follow our instinct. My instincts have been guiding me along here to know what is right, what I must do. The medical community doesn't understand fibromyalgia, so it is not a stretch to seek other "doctors". Naturopathy helps, counselling helps.... Why not seek out the help of other specialists, even a shaman in this case. I am finding the more in touch with myself I become, the better I understand what I need to feel better. There are so many things to work out and learn. Opportunities and avenues to learn the necessary tools are not easy to find. So here begins my empathic journey. Even if I still have the pain and fatigue and everything else that is fibromyalgia, I know that I will be better for it overall and in the long run. I will do what I can to help myself to heal and to create a beautiful life that I deserve and want.

Musical remedy #fibro #fibromyalgia #chronicpain #music

Even when the pain soars high
I find myself swimming into the deep oceans
Let the music flow over my body and heart
Override the pain and bring a smile to my face
Small joys of wonder
I crave the music

Bless the hearts of those to create such beauty
It is thoroughly enjoyed by the heart and soul
Bringing me back to live each day at a time
Slowly but sure I am finding my dance feet
Over the dance floor of my imagination
I swing and sway side to side

Free like a bird I soar higher with the melody
Somethings cannot be replaced with medications
Somethings need to come from within
The pure joy and melody that vibrates within
It will always be felt with an open heart
I breath in the music

One day it will get better, sure
But today, music makes my day better
Something sweet and simple
You are my everything
My body relaxes under your caress
I am in love

The dam breaks and the cradle falls

The world spins round and round, never stopping, unyielding to forces around it. This spinning top we call home is beautiful and wonderful. There are so many lessons to take from it. There is so much beauty to enjoy. There are also a lot of disasters but a rising thereafter. Renewal is part of the natural cycle. As there are worldly seasons, a person has their own as well. My season is "renewal".
The last few years has been like looking at the barren landscape after a fire has passed through the woods. There is some supposition that others started the fire while I know it could have been myself. But, I know it's not that simple and there were many points of origin for the blaze to eradicate what was once there.  Three years later, the growth is in bloom and the eco system has begun to be firmly re-established. Every little bud, bloom and movement is beautiful. I must not remember the fire, not the aftermath, but the renewal.
I had wrote a couple of years ago this little passage:

Phoenix
Take a deep sigh and see through those beautiful eyesThe burnt landscape that was and the new growthTake in the beauty of the full greens and stark bluesTransformation has taken hold and time to let goThose embers and ashes have given way a new lifeSunday, March 11, 2012

That was a year after the blaze started and I must have known then that things were only going to get better. This I do know, with all my heart. As long as I listen to my heart, I will know what I need. For the longest time I have felt this gap/void within me and didn't know how to deal with that. A voice inside me said, "tears cleanse, you need to let go". For the last month I have tried to let the tears naturally flow whenever the feeling came over me. Whenever I had the moments of sadness, I embraced them and gave myself a hug. I avoided any substances or old habits that I would use to escape feeling just to FEEL. Last night I finally let myself feel wholly. The dam finally broke and the connection was reestablished. The wall I have always known turned out to be a dam. Waters reconnect and flow together as one. Not long after I posted this to my facebook wall:

Sometimes we want to let go of all the misery inside so much that it almost hurts. Sometimes we reach out in hope to find it turned way. But it's all for the better. Everything always works out for the best. I am at a turning point in my life where I do not want to shut down. Instead, I want to let it all out and start over fresh. No words needed, just a steady flow of tears will do. I am healing and it feels good to finally be there. It has taken years to get here, so forgive me for the next while during this transition. Things will get better and easier. The bonus for my friends and family as I go through this is that you will see me smiling and laughing more as the days go on because of the work I am doing. It's my time to shine through and be the best and only me that I am.

This post has gotten a lot of positive responses, some yippees and even a message from one of my cousins that I rarely hear from. Today, I feel tired from not much sleep but much more at peace. A lot of things were sorted out last night in my mind and heart. There is more to come and I welcome it. 

Love and other Drugs

For some strange reason, I have been thinking of Anne Hathway's character in "Love and Other Drugs". It is a story of a young woman who has MS back when the big pharma companies were starting to boom. She ends up meeting a drug rep, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, (who pitches Viagra when it first comes available on the market) at one of her doctor appointments. The relationship line is drawn at sex by Anne when Jake comes back after a steamy night in bed. But, like any relationship it gets complicated and she doesn't want a relationship because of the burden she feels to be in any relationship. Well, right here is where I am paralleling myself.
I have written a few different blogs on relationships over the time on here. It is a long process, figuring out where I stand, how I see things, what have I done and could do, etc. This is honestly an issue I have been avoiding for years, but I knew it would have to be dealt with at some point. I had to wait until I was ready, essentially. With my maturing and realizations, I am getting there.
In a few conversations that I have had recently, I have stated that, "I cannot get into another relationship", which is true. Then this reflection occurred:
The hard part is that I have a intense, passionate heart that does want love, companionship and a whole lot of that wonderfulness. But, I know that next time will be nurtured, take time to develop, and be lasting. Not rushed into, not spearheaded by my heart, over excitement at finding a connection. I look, evaluate, and analyze, as I usually do with most things. Unfortunately, many of my relationships started before I finished my analysis for the right fit. And that is why I have soo many short term relationships. I figure it out in about a month, three tops. The third month is usually to give room for a margin of error and to see if I can be proven wrong. Some things cannot be undone and I no longer believe that I lost a piece of myself in each relationship (thanks to my counsellor). I have learned a hell of a lot in my experiences. That said, I am jaded, cynical and extremely careful. I am picky but more willing to give my body to someone than my heart. I value, respect and appreciate my heart (probably because I know what's it like to be the opposite)­. If it takes until I am 60 to meet the man of my dreams (ie. the one who I will love and that he will love me, support each other, and complete each other), then so be it. I worry when it comes to meeting a guy my age or younger and wants a family because I do not know if that is in my cards. That will ultimately come down between us. I sometimes don't know when flirting means more than just that, sometimes when the friend line has been drawn, sometimes when there is really something and one of us is too chicken shit. Try to play it cool, or find ways to talk it out so everything is understood.  It is so complex and dynamic and beautiful all at the same time. Relationships are precious and should not be squandered. They can mean everything and so quickly be nothing. I focus on myself instead and becoming awesome. So that someone has someone awesome with which to fall in love and live life to the fullest. I want it to be beautiful, heart wrenching but the most wonderful experience of my life. I believe in gentlemen, chivalry and being "courted". I may scoff romantic gestures, but really I am denying myself. I realize I must stop denying myself how I truly feel about things.

Logistically speaking #fibromyalgia #fibro #spoonie

In a world of misery and pain, it is sometimes hard to enjoy the life you think you should have or dream of. Sometimes there are so many things given up when life changes so drastically. No longer able to keep up, spending days in pain or in utter fatigue that doing nothing is really the only thing you can do. At best, the bare minimum. There are a lot of adjustments and even a mourning phase. In mourning it is easy to compare against what was and everyone else. It does pass after a while. Because, like anything, you must adjust. It is a silly example, but when you miss the bus or an appointment get cancelled, we must adjust and change plans. When you no longer have money to do something particular, you find other ways to enjoy your time anyway. When you no longer have the energy to do many things, you save your spoons like crazy!
I am always in my head, I think logics and logistically. I am grateful for this. I think to myself "can I do this?", "okay, well, what I am doing the day or two after?", "okay, how much time will I need to recover if I do this?". I plan out my days, in a way. I went all out last week, went out two late nights, had busy evenings, cleaned all day Saturday. I knew this week's evenings were pretty open. Well, guess what, I have been in recovery since Sunday morning. I am only now starting to get back to getting things done. Sometimes no drugs can help, only rest. I must adapt. I must assimilate. I will be assimilated.
Assimilation isn't a bad thing. It's like learning how to work the system from the inside. What better way to get ahead of things? I understand and listen to how I feel. That's all that matters. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Like anything in life.
The past few weeks have brought on almost a rejuvenation to my life. I am seeing things differently and developing new mechanisms. After the last posting, life really did start to look different to me. A lot of the time it does come down to perception. Sometimes though, one has to wonder if it is really the situation or the perception of the situation. In any case, things changed.
Quite a few things happened over the last few weeks that changed things for me: the breakup, the desire to move again, making new friendship with my awesome roommate (who has since moved on to her next adventure), pain relief (which opened up a whole other world of joy for me), and changing my view points. When it came to the idea of moving again, I do have that deadline of September 2015 in my head only because of my mortgage renewal. Who knows what will happen between now and then. Of course, my mom said to me that I don't need to move, I just need to travel. So, I did look at my budget and am planning a mini-vacation in June. It will be that photography vacation I have been wanting to take. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure! She is right that I do keep finding myself in the same trap where I focus so damned much on getting debt paid that I lose sight of enjoying life and then find myself wanting to be free again. The vicious cycle, it must be stopped. I have a "plan" and things will work out :)
Sometimes, that's all it is is faith that things will work out. Doesn't come without effort. It takes thought and a ton of effort. I know...

Emotional impact on health wellbeing #fibromyalgia #spoonie #emotionalhealth #relationships

This last week has been a mixed bag of various experiences. I know I did too much and am paying for it. I did too much because I felt like I was slung from a slingshot, moving forward at a super fast pace. The feeling of freedom, wonder, energy, and knowledge was overwhelming and wonderful. I realized a lot of things last week too about myself; many good things too.

I hadn't been feeling well for a while and it just kept seeming to get worse and I wasn't sure as to why. I was doing a lot of things right but was exhausted. What I didn't calculate was the impact of emotional exhaustion on my physical well-being. I had discovered this correlation in one of my last relationships and when it just got to be too stressful and unhealthy, I decided to end things. It was the best decision for both of us and now he is with a wonderful match for himself. It was time of growth and renewed understanding of one another and I have absolutely no regrets. What I forgot about what a little lesson I learned in it as well when I was up in the middle of the night worried about him driving home after going out for a few drinks and puffs: relationships can also be emotionally draining. What I now know is that drain was minor compared to my most recent experience.

Most recently, I was dating someone with many excellent qualities and few detrimental flaws. He was nice, loving, caring, helpful, huge heart, intimate, chivalrous, and all those things. But, of course there is a "but". There was something when I met him in my gut that told me it could go really well or not. Just that little feeling there but I pursued anyway once he came back into my life and started pursuing me to be in a relationship. It is almost comical lately with all the articles that have been published recently on things to keep an eye out in relationships. Oh gosh, there were a few things that I tagged with yellow and orange flags. There was anger issues, jealousy issues from past marriage (and a whole host of other things with that), control issues, and other little things that nagged at my mind. I tucked them away. I took his racist comments in stride, took his negative outlook with a grain of salt. I was patient and saw him come away from some of his negativity and anger. It did not go away, though. It all came to a head when he had to leave for work. After about a month it only got worse. I felt like the pillar holding it together with having to constantly reassure him of my feelings and of our status. Constantly. It was draining. Everyday involved having a heavy relationship-centred discussion, almost as if the only thing we had in common was our relationship. I understood his neediness and gave into it, to a degree. There were certain things I simply put my foot down on like being able to hang out with my friends. I was going to go see my (male) friends no matter what. I took some concessions like hanging out in public and not inviting them over to make him feel more at ease. Maybe it wasn't enough but I am not about to completely change certain things about my life for a guy. I am not willing to sacrifice myself. I am realizing the more I type about this, the longer the list is in my head of all the little things I flagged over the three months. Yes, after three months I was emotionally exhausted.

Emotionally I needed help, I felt like I was drowning and unsure of what to do. I finally sought out my former counsellor. I didn't care if I had to pay out of pocket for it, I needed it. It was indeed exactly what I needed. It put a lot of things in perspective. I sometimes forget how far I have I have come, forget to have confidence and trust in myself and what my feelings/gut tells me. I had the feeling in my gut that I needed out but was scared to do so. The list of why I was scared was long and varied; some having to do with me, others with him. I knew it would crush him. I also didn't want to "fail" another relationship. Oh gosh, my counsellor had a field day with the idea not wanting to leave because it would be like "failing" another relationship. Failure is perspective, I guess. I feel like I have failed in so many things and yet I know that so many of those things are/were completely out of my control. I can't control that my health went to shit, I can only deal with it in the present and future. I feel like I fail my dogs when I can't get them out for a walk. I feel like a failure in so many things and actually wanted a relationship to work. But, I am not willing to sacrifice myself just to be with someone. So I ended things. And I felt free because of it. Then and there, I knew it was the right decision. I gave it my all and tried. I hope to hell he does well and gets the emotional help he needs to deal with a lot of his issues. If he does that for himself, there is nothing that will stop him. I can't afford to be the one to walk him through it all, as I feared would happen from the moment I met him. I had faith and hope he would take care of himself as he should. But, after a while, I had to look out for myself.

Exhaustion takes place in many ways. It is easy to forget the emotional type until it happens. It is hard to recognize to until you really take a look at things. You check off the list of all the good things that you are doing to manage your health and still wonder what the hell is going on. Well, look at the mental and emotional aspects of your life too. They can reveal an awful lot about what is going on. It might not be something with your significant other, could be a friendship, familial relationships, working relationships, etc. It is important to learn the signs and develop positive mechanisms to not just cope but to positively deal with the problems at hand. Develop good communication skills to express the problem, seek counselling, do whatever it takes to get the problem aired out and dealt with. There is always a way, there is always a solution. Even if the solution seems harder than letting it slide, question priorities and then decide what is best for you and your loved ones.

The up/downside of all of this is that I realize that I am stronger and better able to take care of myself on my own. I am going to focus on creating a good network of friends and keeping my environment safe, healthy and happy. I am independent and proud of it. I do indeed know what is best for myself. I shall try to never forget how strong I truly am and how much I am my own best friend.

Overcoming struggles and general survival with #fibromyalgia #fibro #spoonie #migraines

Every year, around this time, I go through hell. It piles on and gets worse. It makes me believe that things are getting a bit better and then sideswipes me. Living with pain, yea, sure, I can deal. Living in pain and misery that makes you want to curl up into a ball and cry, not so much. Even then, I keep myself from crying because it will only make things worse. I know if I start, I may not be able to stop. I worry what if I start breathing too heavy and my sides start to hurt if I start crying. My gosh, a good cry would be good some days though. Instead, the tears leak from my eyes to escape and to remind me that it is there. Little things give my pain away: the way my voice cracks, the way I forget my words and trains of thought, the way my hands shake, the way my hair colour fades away, and so many other ways that I probably don't even notice but others might.

In combination with the fibro are the dreadful migraines. I honestly think the two are linked hand-in-hand. They exacerbate each other. Fibro acts up, migraine starts up. Migraine starts up, fibro acts up. What if the migraine was simply a fibro symptom? All I know is that it is pure unadulterated misery. There have been few times in my life where I have been borderline suicidal. I clearly remember one time in my first year of university where the migraine pain damn near killed me. Then I found a source for weed and the pain subsided, for a time. When they get that bad and nothing is helping, I go insane. I want to simultaneously crawl into a ball to cry and want to just be knocked out until it is gone. Migraines come and go. Sometimes they are okay and sometimes they are just plain nasty. The bottom line: migraines just plain suck. Unfortunately, it's not just migraines that can render me completely useless and bed (or couch) ridden. Fibro pain is just as debilitating. When fighting off a cold or whatever, it is just crazy.

I try damn near everything I can think of to make it so things aren't too bad. I do not want to even think of how I would be if I didn't take the precautions that I do. I go to: massage therapy, chiropractor, acupuncture/biopuncture, and sometimes even counselling (currently lacking a good counsellor though). I take homeopathics, epsom salt baths, follow (mostly) an anti-inflammatory diet, do yoga and go to the gym, and more. What medications I have tried made me worse, usually from the side effects. I have said time and time again, my goal is to continue to be a functional member of society. I want to work, to live and to experience. That said, as it is with work, I take sick days and sometimes work from home. I cancel plans if I am way to miserable. I can't drive when I my brain is all messed up. I wonder if I can really handle having kids. What would happen on those days that I have to focus on taking care of myself so I can take care of others and my boyfriend is away for work? I know I have our folks I could call upon, but how much of a burden would it be for them? I see my dogs suffer as it is but at the same time they provide one of my greatest joys in life and know how to make me feel loved even when I feel horrible.

In the process of writing this blog, I called my specialist to find out some more options for weeks like this. And I do mean weeks. This time of year is far from easy with the cold temps, crazy weather fluctuations and who knows what else (the way the stars are aligned???). Every year there is something that doesn't quite go right with me or something slips up.

On a positive note, I can say that since stopping the medications last year, I do feel better in general. I do not feel bloated or depleted. My weight is very manageable and I am actually in fairly good shape (which helps the fibro big time). I do not feel depressed like I did (except for the seriously miserable days). I have learned what does and does not work for me. I am proud of myself for not giving up and still going after solutions. I know I will probably have to live with pain and have come to terms with that. That said, I will do whatever is in my power to reduce and cope with the pain the best I can.

Cheers

Ambitious adventures versus sanity and health #fibromyalgia #worries

Today I am going to sign some paperwork to essentially start a part-time career. I know I can do it. That's not the concern; the concern is whether I will be able to keep up with it. I will essentially have three months to make it work. If I do not make it work, I stand to lose. It is a risk, plain and simple. The best word for right now is anxiety. I need to just let it go. Not think about it. And just do it the best I can.

The non-resolution year

Every year, people create resolutions for themselves. I have done that a lot in past years. This year is a bit different; I didn't do any New Year's Resolutions. I think a part of this is because I do a lot of resolutions throughout the year. They also tend to stay in the same vein as keeping myself healthy. A few months ago I vowed that I would not fall down the rabbit hole and abuse my poor body with bad habits (eating, drinking, etc) between December and March, like I have in the past. So far, I am doing pretty good with that. I go to the gym as it is. Right now though, I know the gym is going to be busier than normal because of the resolutioners. Which means forgetting about even trying to go to any of the group classes for a few weeks. As winter settles in, having the New Year as a landmark to make changes can be advantageous though. It is some hard to get motivated in the middle of winter sometimes. Take advantage of it and get motivated!