I slept! I finally had a good night's #sleep! #fibro

I can proudly say that it has been three nights of decent quality sleep. I even slept the whole nights through. On Friday I was hardly functional. After being not very functional at work for the last two weeks, I finally called it in and spent 7 hours in bed Friday. It was great. I dozed in and out, my body was happy with me. I started to feel energy ebb back. I kept my weekend activities to a minimum, not that I could really do much without feeling exhausted. On Sunday I went for a small hike (30 min) and was tired after and even more tired after bathing the dogs. Yesterday, again, I kept it to a minimum but was tired after tutoring and even got cranky after walking the dogs. A shower saved my mood and my chills. I don't feel like there's a tire around my waist at the moment, but I am going to keep my appointment with my specialist none the less to go over things. Today I am feeling the need to be very careful how I use my energy. There's a contractor at my house installing windows and I would like to go home at lunch to check it out but with going out to take pictures of an event tonight, is it wise to bike/walk home at lunch? At least the bike ride back to work is mostly downhill. I am doubting that I should and may ask for help in getting home. This is where as time goes on that I am thinking a car may be beneficial.

While in bed on Friday, I went over a new strategy and thought about all the things I have tried along with what has worked and what hasn't. One thing I don't account enough for is how much energy I use doing my day to day things like walking. I walk a minimum of 60 minutes a day with going to and from work plus a bit more walking the dogs. This is my normal. Then I go do something silly like try to work out in the mornings and go swimming regularly. It was a good idea in theory but it caught up with me and I crashed. Now, instead of getting up early, my alarm goes off an hour later. If I get up when it goes off, I might still have time to walk the dogs, otherwise I will before bed. For working out, I will bike to and from work on Tuesdays and pick from the gym or swimming on Saturday. When I worked out every Saturday, I did very well. It may have only been one day per week, but it worked for me. For food, I am going back to the anti-inflammation diet and sticking with my veggies. When I did this back in August, it served me quite well until I feel off the wagon at the end of December.

I just checked... I missed time in October due to perfume (half day) then was out another two and half days the following week. My body crashed. Sick one day in March then in April the endo flared badly and I was out of commission for another day and a half. Keep in mind I had been taking a three day weekend each month to keep myself in good form.  So I have to say, that's not too bad at all.

So here's to another round!

I finally called my doc regarding my #fibro #lyrica and #pain

I have been battling with the question of what is going on with me as I seem to be not doing so good of late. Even my blog posts have been reflecting that. My concentration is out of whack, I'm tired more frequently, and the pain has been fluctuating but never really leaving me alone. Oh, and I have been gaining weight around my midsection in a way I am not used to. Usually when I gain, it is more evenly. It does not seem to be coming off as easily and my back is starting to hurt more. I find when I weigh more, everything hurts more. So, I finally called my doc with all this. Yes, the Lyrica has resulted in me being able to touch my toes and my massage therapists finds my muscles much more pliable but, does that outweigh the downsides? I am going to go speak with her in a week to find out what she thinks. In the meantime, I am going to do some more searching around to see what else I could do. Ideally, I'd like to come off this chemical mess and find more natural ways to deal with this through my diet and supplements.

The thing that really hit home to how things have been going is having a second article returned to me. This time saying that my sentence structure needs work. I am usually quite eloquent and write rather well. The article is positively awful! What the hell happened? Does being in pain and in fog really do this to me? Guess what, it most certainly does. I know I took fish oil before to help with the fog. The brain games and flaxseed is not enough any more so I need to start buying fish oil again. Let's see if that helps (going to get some tonight).

Also, I looked into my history on my blog to find out how long this downhill spiral has been going on. I posted in March about how the Lyrica has reduced my muscle guarding but also asked what the hell happened in January/February to have me gain so much weight. Guess when I increased the Lyrica: January. Son of a gun! I hope to high heavens and the earth below that it is not going to come down to weight gain vs muscle tension/pain. It's also a catch because as I gain weight, the more pain I am in. It's going to be a hell of  catch 22. So I hope it goes well with my doc and I come up with a strategy over the next week to present after hearing her suggestions.

oh my #caffeine, oh my #sugar, oh my #insomnia

I started drinking regular lattes again. It started with forgetting to ask for decaf, then just letting it slide, thinking nothing of it. Now, I am noticing how screwy my sleep is again and I am wondering if I should go back to strictly decaf lattes and coffees. Now that I have a new member of the family, that latte money is going to be going to his food anyway. It's really the perfect excuse to avoid the caffeine vs decaf debate (and to save money). It's a catch 22 of course; caffeine helps immensely on days I want to pass out and in a lot of discomfort and yet it can screw up my sleep. To boot, I have been indulging in the flavoured lattes which means sugar (I do at least as for half sweet just because I am not a fan of a mouthful of sugar but I like a bit of flavour). I must also remember that sugar means calories which goes to my expanding waistline. Oh *le sigh* Will I go back to my experiment of no more regular espresso? I think I just might and simply indulge in my vanilla almond milk homemade decaf lattes :) Perfect for the upcoming deck worthy weather.

Tomorrow I start #meditation for #endometriosis #fibro #pain

The past two weeks have been a hell of a roller coaster. Ended up missing work last Friday and this past Monday due to pelvic pain. That's right, the endometriosis pain is back. And for heaven's sake, I hope the referrals take less than 6 months this time. Also, I hope that I get properly checked out as the next step may be necessary; the shot has been slowly wearing off. I noticed it a few months ago and the last two or three shots I considered talking with my doctor about the stabbing coming back, here and there. The feeling of something being not quite right, the pulling feeling down there never fully left. Then the thralls of pain came back full force on Monday when I was reduced to tears. Thankfully my folks were in town and were able to drive me to the doc office where I was mildly coherent. The doc took down the names I was given for referrals and prescribed me percocets for pain. His words were, "when you are in pain, you need pain control". I however, am not a fan of heavy duty pain killers at all. Especially ones that are risky like percocets. After fully evaluating things, I did decide to take one and was couch ridden the rest of the day anyway. It does change your perception of pain. I could feel whatever hurt was still there but I was no longer in tears. I was not a fan of how it made it feel over all, but it did seem to numb me out. On my second try a few days later, I discovered exactly how much of a fan I am NOT of this type of way to deal with the pain.

Pain is difficult to deal with no matter what. This week's experiences lead to an evaluation of how different methods affect me differently. Take weed for example. It numbs me out in a different kind of way. Not in the nauseous-omg-this-sucks but more psychologically which is why I quit smoking years ago. I was psychologically/socially addicted to weed for about 7 years when I decided that I wanted to experience the world sober, without any influences. I was curious to know what it is like. I want to be clear headed and alert. This is where the conundrum happens: when I in pain or have a nasty migraine that makes me fuzzy and not functional, I am not clear headed. So what can I do about it? Pain medications put me in a state of not being clear headed or makes me physically ill. It becomes a game of lesser evils. So I wonder if there are methods I can use that do not require imbibing or inhaling substances to make things clearer. I want more clear days. Of this past two weeks, I have had one clear day. I have a meditation CD at home that I bought a while ago but never opened. I think it might be time.

I admit, it just might be a #fibro #flare

I am now going onto day 4 or 6 of feeling like crap. The headache still lingers, the blurred vision is still noticeable, and the fog seems here to stay for now, and I won't get into the physical pain and ailments that seem to be plaguing me. I know that I am stubborn and that it sometimes takes me time to get things sorted out to admit that I might not be able to overcome something. I guess today is a new day in that regard.

The trouble with a flare, even if it is a minor one threatening to lay me flat, is that I still have yet to figure out how to recover from one. Sitting too long doesn't help and moving too much makes it worse. Self-medicating compounds it and forces me to be reduced to doing nothing (which the past few evenings has probably been a good thing as it makes me couch bound and I have to relax). I think that's the key: relaxing. How to relax becomes the question. I know a nice hot bath or shower is fantastic. It helps and yet makes my body scream at me after to flake out out and relax, much like when I self-medicate. And once that voice starts screaming internally, I know that I am done for. That's not even fully counting the Chronic Fatigue side of things which renders me almost as useless. I have yet to learn how to calm that voice. It's like trying to calm a child that scrapped both knees and elbows and hands in a bike accident. What comes to mind at this moment is to use that self-compassion that I am learning about.

In consoling the child in mind, you would be compassionate towards her to make sure she is okay. In a way, I must find the same way to do so to myself. Maybe I was being silly on the bike and speeding or trying to do too much and ended up falling. Well, for one, I shouldn't beat myself up for it. We all do silly things and learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we don't see that one pebble that got stuck in the tire a few days ago that ended up causing the fall. I know I certainly didn't think I was doing too much although my body has been giving me warning signs. Sometimes, it is a catch 22.

I hadn't gone swimming in a week. Of course when I went on Wednesday, I swam about 20 minutes. Ooops, a little too much. I was out of commission that night. So this morning, I only made sure I swam 15 to make sure I didn't make the same mistake but I still went to keep up with it. It is much harder to gain momentum again even if I stop briefly because of holidays. Ah, that it is again, finding that balance. How do I go about having that balance this weekend? Well, I must ask myself, "what do I need? what will help?". Part of me doesn't know because it is scared of doing too much and ending up fully knocked on my ass. Another part of me knows that I can't fully stop without having repercussions when I start moving again. I need to find small tasks like sewing the new zipper into my purse that I am missing this week. Or, taking a nice slow stroll with Jasper (no power walking!). And let myself curl up on the couch to watch TV. Or better yet, find a book online through the library to enjoy in on of my reading corners.  I could even do a chapters adventure (a very calming excursion usually involving a latte in hand and wandering around the stacks). Do more with less. Conserve energy and do things that bring joy to my heart. Be compassionate to myself in time of pain.

Let go, miss perfectionist

Sometimes in life we come to a point where one must realize to trust oneself. I am finding the more confidence I put into myself, into my own trust, the more effective I am. I have accrued enough experience and done enough self-tests to feel self-reliable. For certain items, I still wait for external validation to make sure that what I am doing is in fact enough. Enough should be personally defined for many things. But that external comes mostly at work. Guess what, I finally received that external validation at work.

Work has been tumultuous 3 years of my life thus far. Many ups and downs, learning experiences and an immersion into a different work culture. I always put my main task as my main reason for doing pretty well everything I do here. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough as we all see the potential but we don't always see how to access the potential. Here's where I can finally feel like I can trust myself in what I am doing and continue what I am doing. My managers met about my division of tasks and apparently the supervisor that I have had a difficult relationship with in the past doesn't want me to feel like I don't have enough to do and doesn't want to lose me as an employee. I was in mild awe when I heard this. I am sure it would have registered more fully had I not had an impending migraine and a TMJ flare. She is also very happy with my work. It had to sink in... to be absorbed and realize what it meant. It means I am becoming more confident in what I do and it is showing. I am good at what I do and try to encourage others to make use of my skillset as a librarian. What this means is to stop being so damn paranoid! and... you got it... let go!

Letting go is not easy for me for some reason. After hearing all this, it is like I had to mourn what I was letting go of. I feel into a little slump and had to cheer myself up and give myself some self-compassion. Positivity begets positivity. Now that kind of cycle is one that you can learn to love. Enough of beating myself up and not feel like I am not doing enough. Sure, there is always more I can do but often times it comes down to opportunity and the right timing. With eyes and ears open at all times to find opportunities, the right timing will happen (because I will make it happen). Slowly but surely I am growing into the confident young professional I want to be as I let go my negative perceptions at work and embrace all the positive. This is internally and externally.

Internally speaking, I am very tough on myself. I am currently reading a book called "Self-compassion" by Kristien Neff (http://www.self-compassion.org/). I started it through a psychology experiment that some students were doing on campus. I figured, "why not". I must admit that it has been a really good experience. Instead of going through the website, I bought the book and am reading it on my Kobo. Each chapter gives me new insight in how to be more compassionate toward myself, how to be my own friend. It seems to be natural in our society to be more compassionate towards our friends than ourselves when it is ourselves that often needs it the most. One example is on an airplane, the instructions tell you to put on your own mask first before helping others. This rings true for love. I believe it is important to love yourself. In loving yourself, love towards others comes easier and you attract more people who are positive towards themselves. It's a positive cycle.

Externally speaking, I think it comes to how I think I am perceived by others, especially at work. My social life is rather quiet lately to really comment on. This is my own doing and I own up to that. At work though, I am so tough on myself and feel like I have to work twice as hard to keep up and show that I am doing the best I can. I think it is time to let the real me shine through and just be me. No more trying-to-hard exterior. One idea of doing this is having a conversation with the manager with which I have had difficulties. The thing is that I am going to have to ask her if I can be frank with her in my maternal language (English) as it actually is hard to be eloquent in my working language (French) with someone who makes me kind of nervous. I think doing this will reduce my nervousness further. Perhaps next week. Either way, it will be when I see and hear the right opportunity to take.