I am now going onto day 4 or 6 of feeling like crap. The headache still lingers, the blurred vision is still noticeable, and the fog seems here to stay for now, and I won't get into the physical pain and ailments that seem to be plaguing me. I know that I am stubborn and that it sometimes takes me time to get things sorted out to admit that I might not be able to overcome something. I guess today is a new day in that regard.
The trouble with a flare, even if it is a minor one threatening to lay me flat, is that I still have yet to figure out how to recover from one. Sitting too long doesn't help and moving too much makes it worse. Self-medicating compounds it and forces me to be reduced to doing nothing (which the past few evenings has probably been a good thing as it makes me couch bound and I have to relax). I think that's the key: relaxing. How to relax becomes the question. I know a nice hot bath or shower is fantastic. It helps and yet makes my body scream at me after to flake out out and relax, much like when I self-medicate. And once that voice starts screaming internally, I know that I am done for. That's not even fully counting the Chronic Fatigue side of things which renders me almost as useless. I have yet to learn how to calm that voice. It's like trying to calm a child that scrapped both knees and elbows and hands in a bike accident. What comes to mind at this moment is to use that self-compassion that I am learning about.
In consoling the child in mind, you would be compassionate towards her to make sure she is okay. In a way, I must find the same way to do so to myself. Maybe I was being silly on the bike and speeding or trying to do too much and ended up falling. Well, for one, I shouldn't beat myself up for it. We all do silly things and learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we don't see that one pebble that got stuck in the tire a few days ago that ended up causing the fall. I know I certainly didn't think I was doing too much although my body has been giving me warning signs. Sometimes, it is a catch 22.
I hadn't gone swimming in a week. Of course when I went on Wednesday, I swam about 20 minutes. Ooops, a little too much. I was out of commission that night. So this morning, I only made sure I swam 15 to make sure I didn't make the same mistake but I still went to keep up with it. It is much harder to gain momentum again even if I stop briefly because of holidays. Ah, that it is again, finding that balance. How do I go about having that balance this weekend? Well, I must ask myself, "what do I need? what will help?". Part of me doesn't know because it is scared of doing too much and ending up fully knocked on my ass. Another part of me knows that I can't fully stop without having repercussions when I start moving again. I need to find small tasks like sewing the new zipper into my purse that I am missing this week. Or, taking a nice slow stroll with Jasper (no power walking!). And let myself curl up on the couch to watch TV. Or better yet, find a book online through the library to enjoy in on of my reading corners. I could even do a chapters adventure (a very calming excursion usually involving a latte in hand and wandering around the stacks). Do more with less. Conserve energy and do things that bring joy to my heart. Be compassionate to myself in time of pain.
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