Sometimes in life we come to a point where one must realize to trust oneself. I am finding the more confidence I put into myself, into my own trust, the more effective I am. I have accrued enough experience and done enough self-tests to feel self-reliable. For certain items, I still wait for external validation to make sure that what I am doing is in fact enough. Enough should be personally defined for many things. But that external comes mostly at work. Guess what, I finally received that external validation at work.
Work has been tumultuous 3 years of my life thus far. Many ups and downs, learning experiences and an immersion into a different work culture. I always put my main task as my main reason for doing pretty well everything I do here. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough as we all see the potential but we don't always see how to access the potential. Here's where I can finally feel like I can trust myself in what I am doing and continue what I am doing. My managers met about my division of tasks and apparently the supervisor that I have had a difficult relationship with in the past doesn't want me to feel like I don't have enough to do and doesn't want to lose me as an employee. I was in mild awe when I heard this. I am sure it would have registered more fully had I not had an impending migraine and a TMJ flare. She is also very happy with my work. It had to sink in... to be absorbed and realize what it meant. It means I am becoming more confident in what I do and it is showing. I am good at what I do and try to encourage others to make use of my skillset as a librarian. What this means is to stop being so damn paranoid! and... you got it... let go!
Letting go is not easy for me for some reason. After hearing all this, it is like I had to mourn what I was letting go of. I feel into a little slump and had to cheer myself up and give myself some self-compassion. Positivity begets positivity. Now that kind of cycle is one that you can learn to love. Enough of beating myself up and not feel like I am not doing enough. Sure, there is always more I can do but often times it comes down to opportunity and the right timing. With eyes and ears open at all times to find opportunities, the right timing will happen (because I will make it happen). Slowly but surely I am growing into the confident young professional I want to be as I let go my negative perceptions at work and embrace all the positive. This is internally and externally.
Internally speaking, I am very tough on myself. I am currently reading a book called "Self-compassion" by Kristien Neff (http://www.self-compassion.org/). I started it through a psychology experiment that some students were doing on campus. I figured, "why not". I must admit that it has been a really good experience. Instead of going through the website, I bought the book and am reading it on my Kobo. Each chapter gives me new insight in how to be more compassionate toward myself, how to be my own friend. It seems to be natural in our society to be more compassionate towards our friends than ourselves when it is ourselves that often needs it the most. One example is on an airplane, the instructions tell you to put on your own mask first before helping others. This rings true for love. I believe it is important to love yourself. In loving yourself, love towards others comes easier and you attract more people who are positive towards themselves. It's a positive cycle.
Externally speaking, I think it comes to how I think I am perceived by others, especially at work. My social life is rather quiet lately to really comment on. This is my own doing and I own up to that. At work though, I am so tough on myself and feel like I have to work twice as hard to keep up and show that I am doing the best I can. I think it is time to let the real me shine through and just be me. No more trying-to-hard exterior. One idea of doing this is having a conversation with the manager with which I have had difficulties. The thing is that I am going to have to ask her if I can be frank with her in my maternal language (English) as it actually is hard to be eloquent in my working language (French) with someone who makes me kind of nervous. I think doing this will reduce my nervousness further. Perhaps next week. Either way, it will be when I see and hear the right opportunity to take.
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