Home is where the heart is

A couple of months ago, I went through a time of transformation. Fundamentals were questioned and tested, statements were wanting to be clarified, and it was time to figure some things out.

October was a busy month for me; travelled twice within two weeks out of province. In a word: a whirlwind month. One of the statements that became a question occurred when I stepped off the train when I got to Halifax. I lived there for four years (last two years of my bachelor degree and completed my masters degree there). It was the closest I ever found to calling a place home; it was a place where I felt that I belonged. So, when I stepped off the train that day, I said to myself "welcome home!(?)". Yes, there was a question mark in that statement. That set the mood for the next 24 hours. It was a strange visit indeed. The city had changed and the feeling associated with it wasn't the same. The scene at the B&B was just plain odd and rather emotional actually. I was annoyed while trying to keep it all in perspective. The whole time, the question of "home" kept playing over in my mind. Where is home? What is home? How do I know what is home? When did I last feel at "home"? and so on. You can imagine the range of questions going through my little analytical mind. Of course, the statement "home is where the heart is" played into mind which lead to questions such as, "where is my heart?". It was a snowball effect with no clear direction or answer. I let it be, like I do with questions like that. I let them alone in the back of mind to be figured out.

When you think of home, there are a lot of things to consider. The reason I stayed around where I am living now is to be close to my family. Period. I even finally let myself get a car, which cemented the idea of staying around here. I have a wonderful house that I can't imagine giving up, my dogs and cats are happy here, I have some good friends, my family is here (parents, brother and his fiancee, and Nannie), and I have a pretty good job. I had a hard time adjusting my first two years here, but made it work. I got sober and have stuck to my guns since. I got a car so I can work on another job, and most importantly, go visit my family and have more freedom to see friends and do other things. It was a big step. But, there was something still missing.

Funny, that statement has come again "home is where the heart is". The question I was asking was "where is home" and only a bit on "where is my heart". I should have focused on my heart, for my heart was hidden and unsure. I love my friends and family, but it's a different kind of love. I dated, but nothing really kept for long. There were nagging feelings or little flags to be weary of that would finally end things. I have learned to listen very closely to my gut and damn glad for that. Today, I am in love and am loved by a wonderful man. I feel content and happy. Finally, I am making plans to stay around here; looking at where I want to live or build in the future. I want to create something for myself. Today I found my heart whispering, "this is home". My heart finally found its home. Welcome home.

Holiday season is upon us and other adventures

The holidays are a special time of year where much cheer is shared. It is also the time when your body can become week and the months take their toll. I got my second cold this semester and it did not want to leave me alone, for almost a whole week. On the upside, I rested enough to not aggravate the fibro. Today, I finally have more of a voice and only a little bit of a cough. You can bet that I am looking forward to the holidays to fully get my energy back. The only exercise I have done this last week is shovel snow. On Sunday we got 27 cm of snow (almost a foot) and then another 26 on Wednesday. There is 3-4 feet of snow in my backyard thanks to light and fluffy snow and snowdrifts. The dogs are anxious because I haven't been able to get them out for a walk, thanks to being sick. They know I love them and they know I am not feeling well. But, that doesn't make it any less difficult for them, or for me for that matter. Take it one day at a time.

One piece of news is that I have someone in my life now who wants to help me out. I have a wonderful boyfriend who wants to see me happy and helps me out when he can, even if it's just little things like bringing up fire brick boxes from the basement. He didn't really understand what the fibro does to me, but he wanted to and even took the initiative to find out more so he could offer me better support. It's a beautiful feeling to feel light, free, warm, and happy. I don't know how I could smile much more than I already am. We see the beauty, wonder and potential in each other that we don't often see in ourselves. We build each other up through touch and whispers without imposing. It can only get better from here.

It's not often I write about the plus sides of having human companionship. Not long ago I did rant on about having standards, which I have decided are very important. When you find someone who fills those standards, and even goes above and beyond, it's a beautiful thing. For anyone looking for a good relationship blog, when I was going through little my emotional crisis (okay, not really crisis as much as trying to figure out what in the heck was going through my head and heart), I stumbled across one by a James Sama http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/. No matter what your health status is or what is going on, he has some nice pearls of wisdom there. It's nice to have that reassurance and confirmation of how things should be every now and then.

Cheers :)

#Yoga and #fibromyalgia

We all have days where we can't move and even fear moving around. We wonder if we should go to the gym or push ourselves a little more. Sometimes we just need to push to do the activity BUT keep fully aware of what our bodies are telling us. There is no shame at all in bowing out early or taking this slowly for your comfort.

I go to the gym about once a week, as long as I am not in recovery mode or have a lot to do that day and want to avoid overdoing it. But then there's other activities that are lower impact and can be modified very easily, like with yoga.

I had been going to watching yoga dvds, reading yoga books before I even went to my first yoga class. I would say that it's been about two years since I started going more often and reaping the rewards. I have discovered that those minute stretches releases so much toxins and inspires movement throughout my body. Even if it's a day like today where I am coming out of a flare and just starting my period, I went in hopes that it would help me feel better but I didn't push myself and did practically every modification possible. Pre-yoga, I was stiff and extremely tense. I am now more fluid and strong. What's more is that I notice a difference if I do not get to my yoga class.

Each yoga class is different as is each yoga instructor. The best thing to do is try out different styles and teachers until you find the right fit. I went to a few before I finally found one that works well for me. My absolute favourite Yoga dvd/book combo so far is: http://www.amazon.ca/15-Minute-Gentle-Yoga-Anywhere-15-minute/dp/1405326573/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1384883995&sr=8-5&keywords=15+minute+yoga. I love that it goes through the illustrated steps, has a pull out page to show the sequences and a video to follow along with four different sets.

The biggest difficulty with doing yoga is devoting the time. I was doing it in the mornings, but my mornings are rather slow moving and difficult.  I would say I would do it after work but then have other things to do or become to tired. Thankfully, some folks in the adjoining building decided to do lunch time yoga and hired a local yogi to come in for the classes. For the gym, I organized my Saturday mornings specially to go to the gym and market. I once asked a very active woman how it is that she can be involved in so much and have time for it. She said that she carves out that time in her schedule and lets nothing else change it. I took that advice and applied it to my Saturday morning routine. Although I don't always get out on those Saturday mornings, I am trying to find another time to place in my schedule.

Just remember, often times reducing ourselves to no movement is what makes us worse. We must keep moving, even if it's only slowly and at a low rate. Most importantly, we must listen to our bodies and modify our behaviours based on that information. If we must rest, we must rest too.

Cheers

Standards and structures #relationships

In life we wish to create standards for ourselves. In health it could be simply to be... let me back up a moment first. What are standards? It is defined as:

: a level of quality, achievement, etc., that is considered acceptable or desirable
: something that is very good and that is used to make judgments about the quality of other things
: something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example :  CRITERION
: something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/standard)

So they are a way of measuring, a criteria, and is usually established. So, who establishes a standard? In the medical field, there are experts to identify standards. In our own personal lives though, we are our own experts on our own lives; we must define our own standards. Well, how in the hell do you do that???

Where is this all coming from? Well, I met someone before Halloween and it was good but it was moving far quicker and deeper than I could even keep up with. Unfortunately, after a series of emotional betrayals, external and internal, I caved and ran away. I had a list of things that he didn't quite fit the bill with (job, housing, financial, etc). But, are those important standards to a relationship? I don't know. I wavered on it, and thought other things most important. But they all play a role. It didn't help that I do listen to pressures from my family and friends. All the warnings, all of the "be carefuls"... I should learn to keep my love life to myself and only expose it when I am good and ready to. It would save a whole hell of a lot of hassle. Like every time I was just beginning to kick an addiction and then people got involved, I had a set back and was looked upon even worse than had I not said anything at all. Anyway, standards...

To know your standards, you must know the deal breakers. I have my list of very clear deal breakers:
- unhealthy lifestyle
- heavy drinker or drug user
- disrespectful and completely inconsiderate
- lazy and no ambition at all

I want someone to accept me for me, and that includes all of my flaws. If my house is a mess because I've been in a flare for a week, I would hope for some compassion and maybe even some help. Yes, a flare is one of my flaws. I could list all of my flaws, but they are mine and it gets rather negative. I can turn around so many negatives into positives. I realize that how someone else perceives me can often times be way different than how I see myself.

I want to be able to accept the person for who they are, in their entirety. And yet, be willing to work towards or already fit into my standards. If I thought very glossily at my current standards, they might look like something like this:
- caring and compassionate
- passionate
- has a stable job and housing situation
- ambitious but makes time for us
- willing to put up with my nuances

I want to be courted and adored. If I need time to figure things out, I need that distance to sort things out. I am not used to this emotional playing field. I knew I would have to deal with it at some point. Of course, it is now, when I am without my counsellor (but working at getting that approved again). My wires are crossed inside and I am sitting in a tangled mess.

To help sort out this mess, me being me, I started to look up what is meant by "standards". I found a few different articles about why they are important to have. If I look at the article found at http://uscworkandfamilylife.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/setting-standards-for-a-healthy-relationship/, I believe that I have my "fundamentals" listed. I also agree with all of the standards listed in the article. What I find interesting is that they consider education, profession and income as wish list items. To my family, those items seem to be fundamental items. In turn, they weigh heavily on my mind too.

This article http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Articles/Relationships/Three-Requirements-For-Any-Healthy-Relationship.html reminds that "Everybody is unique, no two relationships are the exact same. It's perfectly normal to be a little bit afraid, but don't let fear rule your judgment." Their three requirements are simple: communication, mind-set and chemistry. Isn't that enough?

There are a few more articles I read. Maybe it shouldn't be just about the standards I set for him, but the standards I set for myself too. I have to know what I want, who I am, and all of that. I also need to take my time and not let myself be railroaded. I need to consider a lot of different things. This is only the beginning of this thought process. I have yet to define my own standards and maybe then I will have an easier time knowing what is a fundamental and what should be a wish list item. I need to put it on paper and list it all.

Structure and logistics are natural to me and help me make sense of the world. I have been accused to not using my heart enough, but even my heart needs such structures to help it along and keep from being hurt. My head and heart are learning how to work together in harmony. I belief it should be a balance, especially when determining standards.

Cracking under pressure #fibro

It's been a few days now in misery. Yesterday I even cracked under misguided pressure from my brother. When the body is sensitive, everything is sensitive. Had to resort to the heavy hitter again today. Had to choose between living in a less painful fog and staying clear headed but in a lot of pain. I choose to be functional and unfortunately medicated. I have acuponcture on Thursday. Which means I have to survive until then and keep it under wraps and keep positive. Thank goodness flare ups don't happen too often.

Why I currently dislike #dental procedures #fibro #spoonie #flare

History has repeated itself, and be darned, another dental procedure has managed to throw me into a flare. I had a filling done last week; the freezing went well and they did a fair amount of damage to the gums, but I got through it without too much difficulty. It was really the needle for the anesthetics that hurt. I spread out the fillings by a week as to not overwhelm by body. I went in on Wednesday to get the next one. Well, right after the first needle, my body started to shake inside and it hurt like hell. Once my face felt sufficiently numb, they started and I could still feel it a bit but not too bad then it got to be a bit much. They froze me again. After waiting a few minutes, they started again. Same thing, I could feel some pressure and an annoyance. Of course, I am used to being in pain so I didn't think too much of it as it was bearable until she hit a nerve or something. My hand shot up to stop and I soon had tears streaming down my face. The tears and panic had started to set in after the second needle and then it all broke loose. The dentist felt so bad and said how I should tell her if I feel anything because I hide the pain really well, that she can usually tell. Well, sometimes I don't even know how my body may react to something. Anyway, my body is just vibrating by this time and I am freezing. I asked the assistant to get a blanket, as she offered, to get my temp back up and reduce the shaking. Through breathing exercises, I was able to get myself to calm down. By the time the dentist came back in, the third needle had settled in and the rest went okay. I was exhausted from it. All told, I was in there for about 80 minutes. I was glad to have taken an ibuprofen prior to the procedure. But, I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be enough. By the time I got to work, there was only about an hour until a lunch meeting with a colleague from out of town. I muddled through all that and went home. It, however, didn't stop there. I worked only the morning yesterday and had to dig out the big guns for pain that I haven't taken in months. Between the heavy duty for the pain and the ibuprofen for jaw, I was feeling better but exhausted. Well, here I am now on the Friday, feeling exhausted and achy. It's not the horribly painful kind of achy, just the nagging, fatigued, and weary kind of achy.

Fibromyalgia is a bit of a wild card when it comes to getting procedures done. A colleague said what I described is like my body went into a state of trauma. She is probably quite accurate. That "state of trauma" seems to be one of the surefire ways to through my body into a flare. The first time may have been a one-off, but now I know to be even more careful about when I schedule dental procedures. Then again, hopefully this will be one of the last!

Balance and commitment

September has passed by with the usual full-speed-ahead method. I am very glad to have tacked on a vacation day to the first long weekend. Unfortunately, a head/chest cold took me out for a good part of that same week. It is a weird experience not being able to talk without feeling completely winded. I have to say, I am glad that I decided to try acupuncture. The darn cold was not clearing out and I had some travels to look forward to for work, so I got went in for a treatment. It was amazing how much it helped clear my chest. When I get sick, it becomes a game of staying ahead of the cold and not overdoing it as to not flare the fibromyalgia. I did pretty good actually :)

As I mentioned, I have been travelling for work. Of course, with work events there is usually dinners or lunches with co-workers. At each outing there was wine offered, which I turned down. Oh, an Irish Coffee was terribly tempting. Of course, each time after I turned down the wine, I got a perplexed look, following by my saying that I don't drink alcohol, followed by, "why". Sometimes the person would like a couple of possibilities (i.e. bad experience?, choice?, etc). I would say a bit of all the above and if they seemed curious enough, I explain that it started as an experiment to see the effects of cutting out alcohol would have on my wallet and waistline that resulted in very positive results so I just stuck with it. They generally accept that. And I would proceed to order a latte (a latte with Irish Cream flavour in lieu of the Irish Coffee even). It'll be 2 years next month since I started my "experiment". Damn it feels good!

Blank post

I have a post sitting in the back of my mind. It has been there for almost two weeks. I'll be darned if I can find a way for it to come out and be expressed. So, I started a post and here I write until it makes sense.

... and blank...

Sit, catch up, enjoy

I have been trying to find a moment to post the last couple of weeks. Finally, I have a quiet(er) day to do so. I have had at least one meeting each day over the last two weeks, sometimes between two if not three different buildings. Needless to say, work has been a tad hectic. I can really say the same thing for my personal life as well with starting a new company with my Dad and working on a bunch of stuff for that as well. Funny how life can lead you in other directions. The beautiful thing is that I do not feel anxious about this direction, cautious as always, but not scared or nervous about it. It's encouraging.

Another thing that has been rather encouraging is that even though I have been really busy, I am keeping it together really well and not feeling like I am burning out. I feel like I have a good grasp and pace on life. Yesterday, I did two presentations of 2.5 hours each and I still had energy at the end of the day! I could hardly believe it. When I was talking with some colleagues later on, one of them mentioned that I look rejuvenated. I could hardly credit my ears that she thinks I am looking younger! I must be doing something right. I won't deny I have had a day or two of what I call "my own personal hell", but the good days are outweighing the bad. When I look at those bad days and all the activities I did the days/week beforehand, it is no wonder that I felt like that. One of my saving graces is knowing when to call it, knowing how to listen to my body for the signs that I need to start slowing down. Not only when to slow down but also what to do when I am starting to feel like I'm on a downward slope. If my body is telling me to take an epsom salt bath, I take that bath. If my body tells me to take a supplement or ibuprofen, I take it. Listening, acknowledging and acting on my body's signals is immensely gratifying and helpful. If I deny or ignore the signs, I am setting myself up for trouble and I know it.

September is usually a month full of trouble but I have confidence in myself that I can pace myself and pull it off without having a mid-October burn out. That is, as long as I stick to my plan outlined in a previous blog post, Figuring out my Fibro Journey Naturally.

Cheers!

The #birthcontrol factor in #fibro

I have been doing an extensive amount of research these last few weeks in preparation for going off my birth control. Particularly, the FAM or symptothermal or Justisse methods. Of course, this literature exploration has led to some interesting discoveries. I will try to find the exact ressources later on, when the fog has lifted.

I find it interesting how in the last few years, there has been a remarkable increase in literature about how birth control is actually not so good for you. I have a few different pdfs done by holistic practitioners about "Ditch your birth control" and "5 fabulous reasons to ditch your birth control". Plus a bunch of different resources that have snowballed into others. What a lot of people do not seem to realize is that there are non-hormonal alternatives such as the copper IUD and FAM type methods. I know when I think FAM, my brain goes to "I DO NOT want to get pregnant" as it is mostly used by women TO get pregnant. But, I am learning that it can be used to avoid pregnancy as well. Considering how much of a nut I am for detail, I know I can pull it off. I was able to remember to take the mini-pill at the exact same time every. This is the most detailed document on charting your fertility cycle that I have found so far. I am currently waiting for two books to come in as well (Taking Charge Of Your Fertility by Toni Weischler - this book was recommended to me by my Naturopathic Doctor and WomanCode by Alisa Vitti - this looked really interesting). In addition to the actual "how-to" and "why" resources, there have been some more detailed documents more about the physiological impact. One of the sites mentioned several deficiencies that birth control can cause: serotonin, B vitamins, magnesium, and CoQ10. And it wasn't just the one document. There is also the impact of having too much estrogen/progesterone in your body, which causes your body forgets how to regulate itself. Also, depending on when you started the birth control can have a major impact. One site mentioned that it takes 4 years after your first cycle for your body to regulate itself... I know I started birth control maybe 2-3 years after my first excruciating cycle.

I was 16 years old at the time. I have been on several different kinds. I started on aleese, then they switched me to aviane (after which I had an ocular migraine), given that I had an ocular migraine I was removed from estrogen based pills and put on the mini-pill, then an IUD (which was removed due to mass discomfort), and have since been on depo-provera to regulate my suspected endometriosis. Of course, my migraines got really bad at 17 years old and well, it kind of went from there. I have decided, with the guidance of my ND, to no longer take any of these. She put me on the "seed rotation" to balance my hormones. She upped my B vitamins intake as birth control can deplete the body big time of B vitamins. Amazingly, my abdominal pain hasn't seemed to have got much worse. In general, I am feeling better. We are working on getting me balanced; we are working on healing rather than using a band-aid.

Birth control seems to be used by doctors as a band-aid and "cure-all" for more uterine ailments, it seems, while keeping you from getting pregnant. I do not know if I would have been responsible enough when I was younger to do the charting, but if I was fully informed of my options, potential side-effects, and risks, I probably would have. Who the hell knows, really.

So, how does this all relate to fibro? Well, I take a variety of supplements (magnesium, CoQ10, 5HTP, vitamin B complex, vitamin D, and iron). I take them because I know I feel better with them and have experimented in seeing the effects when I do not take them to see if there is indeed a difference. If you look at the list of supplements that help compared to the list of items that birth control can deplete the body thereof, it is pretty damn close. One of the supplements that kind of confused me as why it worked was the CoQ10. I have found spotty literature on the impacts of it on fibromyalgia but with this new information, it makes more sense as to why it may work for me.

Each body is different. I will continue my research, expanding my knowledge and getting in touch with amazing practitioners to help me along my way. Yes, I am not particularly looking forward to having my period again. But, with magnesium on standby, I will survive the discomfort (who knew magnesium could help with pain!). I have made menstrual pads of organic, undyed cotton/bamboo and PUL material. I am ready. Goodness knows how long I will have to wait for the toxicity to leave my body to be replaced by natural hormonal balances. I can tell you this, my libido is already making a comeback!

Disclaimer: I do not endorse one method or another. I strongly encourage you to read up, become informed, and make the best decision for you. This is only a recount of my experiences and discoveries.

Figuring out my #fibro journey #naturally

Walking to work this morning, with a smile on my face, I had an odd feeling of peacefulness. Not sure where it stems from but could really be a combination of things. I went to bed last night feeling very proud and happy with a nice tidy and clean house. This morning I woke up and gradually got my day going, no rushing. There is always that twinge of regret of not getting the dogs out for a walk, but I am hoping it is not too hot after work to get them out and about. There will at least be playtime in the backyard.

I have been keeping fairly busy and still overdoing it every now and then. Like Saturday, I went to the gym and the market then ended up planting three shrubs later that day. Needless to say, I was in a pretty sore state that night and Sunday. By listening to my body, I managed to still be productive yesterday while recovering. even managed a pretty decent night's sleep without taking melatonin; I am suspecting that the melatonin is a new source of migraines. Little by little, I'm figuring it out.

I remember when I started this journey of figuring out how in the world to manage my fibromyalgia and some of my good friends were telling me, "if anyone can figure this out Amanda, you will". There have been times I was ready to give up but I am forging ahead with new knowledge and self-discoveries. Finding the right people and resources makes a huge difference! I am blessed to have met my naturopathic doctor and for her to want to work with me in this journey.

Here are some things that I have learned that I must abide by:

• Eat as clean as possible (one cheat item a week is okay, but do NOT overdo it)
• Avoid nightshades
• Keep away from peanuts and peanut butter
• Steer clear of gluten
• Keep dairy to a very bare minimum
• Eat lots of veggies and fruits
• Keep toxins to a minimum
• This means medications (which I have eliminated)
• Be aware of the products used on my skin and their effects
• Read every label very carefully
• Listen to my body very carefully
• If my gut is telling me something, listen to it (i.e. taking vitamins and get the feeling that I should take my iron supplement, listen to the feeling and take it)
• Be aware of the cues to slow down and be aware of nearing my exertion limits
• Keep moving, albeit slowly, on my recovery days
• Work on keeping a balance
• This means emotionally, physically, physiologically, and mentally
• Be thankful and love life

There are probably a few more items to add to that list, but it's a good foundation. It's fun sometimes to learn what works for my body and what doesn't. It's like getting to know myself on a whole other level of understanding. It's learning to love yourself inside and out, learning how to be self-compassionate, and most of all, learning how to be the healthiest I can be. 

Cheers

Day by Day, Little by Little

I'm back to work after taking three weeks off to work on myself. I decided that it was time to fully come off my medications and the only downside was slight lack of sleep the first couple of weeks, which is slowly getting back on track now. Even on days where I did too much, it seemed to take less time to bounce back. For all of this, I am very thankful and eager to keep up the work I am doing to get myself in good form before the September craziness happens.

10 days later and feeling a bit better #fibro #naturopathicways

Figured it is a good time to post an update about my latest "experiment". It's amazing to say but I have been feeling a lot better, even though it's not even been 2 weeks since increasing the vitamin B complex and starting the "biotherapeutic drainage". Pain levels are down and energy has increased. I really realized this in passing reflection yesterday when I had a migraine coming on and noticed that it had been a bit since reaching for the trusty bottle of ibuprofen. Even with the humidity, I am not going out of my mind with exhaustion and pain. Yea sure, now that I am not on the needle and doing the seed rotation to balance my hormones, I am not looking forward to certain things that used to bring me to my knees in pain and tears. But, the ND was quick to respond to my e-mail to tell me what to take to reduce the pain for the cramps. I hope it keeps on the positive side. Better yet, I know it will because I want this to work and will do everything in my power to ensure that. Sure, following the anti-inflammatory diet to a T is not my idea of fun and took away a lot of foods that I do enjoy. A girl has got to do what a girl as got to do. I have had some "cheat days" but try to keep it up on a whole.

One thing about diet change is not necessarily the experimenting part of trying new foods but not wanting to spend money on foods that you may or may not like; not wanting to waste food or money, essentially. I talked with someone at the local market who sells gluten free veggie burgers (which also work very well crumbled onto salad), among other things.  She has a learning kitchen and I we were talking about this dilemma. It would be nice to not necessary learn how to cook the recipe but to learn about different ingredients and taste the ingredients and complete recipes. I could then take the recipes I liked and do it for myself at home without any waste. Once I get comfortable with the ingredients, I can change it up and have fun with it. However, having that initial start would be invaluable.

There are many things that are integral to whole health: finding the right practitioners, the right supplements and vitamins, the right foods, the right pacing style, and the right lifestyle. It is so incredibly important to keep it up and not to lose faith in oneself. When struck with an illness, it is way to easy to lose yourself. With confidence and the right frame of mind (and a good support group) anything is possible as long as you are willing to keep trying. I, for one, will keep with my experiments until I find the right balance that works for me.

A move from the conventional to the naturopathic #fibro #healing

It has been quite the fibro month plus all the regular life stuff. First of, I am extremely proud to say that it will be 8 weeks this upcoming Monday since the beginning of my latest experiment of no more marijuana. I have noticed a few things: clarity, way fewer migraines and headaches, and generally feel more in touch with myself. I am very happy to say that this trend will continue for a damn long time. In fact, I think I will officially pass on my paraphernalia, which I have only had a few months now. I have passed the test and can now be freed. It is an odd trick of the mind really, in order to have an easier time to quite, I didn't throw away what I had. Instead, I kept it in its hidden location, knowing that it was there. Knowing I could and that I don't works for me. I did this my first time around in 2007 as well. Here I am, nearly 6 years later, using the same (successful) technique. Damn, it feels good. Plus, with going to the gym once a week again, I am feeling stronger and have less upper back pain.

On the not so good side (I will get back to the good in a moment), I recently had a really bad flare. So much that I left work early last Wednesday as I was near tears in misery and pain, stayed home Thursday and worked from home Friday because I didn't have the energy to come in to work. On Thursday, I woke up to all 5 animals with me; they knew. I was very thankful to be surrounded by so much love as I was recovering. Prior to fully crashing, I felt like I was burning out. The awful thing about burning out is that once you go through one burnout, it is too easy to have another. Between the weather and many other factors in work and life, I was toast. This lead me to pursuing alternative methods: I booked a free 15 minute consultation with a naturopathic doctor.

There is a wonderful little health store in the city centre that I can easily get to by bus that has many resources. One day, I was talking with one of the girls and she suggested going to see the naturopathic doctor about hormonal imbalances. The doctor happens to work upstairs of the store. In the middle of my crash, I went to see her. Thankfully a friend of mine drove me to and from (even took me out to dinner, yay!). I had a good feeling from her and felt that she was really listening and could help me. So, I booked for a full hour consultation. I went there yesterday. It's like seeing a light, a glimmer of hope. Conventional medicine works for some but my body is so sensitive to most medications that I usually end up with the side effects rather than the benefits. Given how much pain and how much I have been in flares over the last 6 months, I had to do something. For the last week I have been thinking, "I don't want a cure, I want to heal". The difference between naturopathic medicine and conventional is that in naturopathic, the aim is to heal the person, not ail a singular disease or issue. As with most anyone with heal issues, there is usually more than one thing going wrong and it is all connected somehow. I need a wholesome approach to my health to feel better. With my own blessings and her support, I am embarking on a journey that I am sure will help me immensely now and in the future. We have started by cleansing the years of damage I have done to myself and work on getting me balanced again. I know I am on the right track, I can feel it.

Love, romance, hope, true self and more

I debated on which blog to write this post. This blog has become my mainstay and my other one is becoming a testament of darker times that I hardly visit any more, which I take as a good sign. I imagine, at some point, I will print/save it all in the near future to keep as a memory.

Writing about love and romance is not easy for me as I have focused on so many other things instead and left my heart out of it (may have even forgot). In my other blog, it was the darkness that had to be released. In this blog, it is focused on my health and well being. I guess that's how this fits in to this blog. Love is part of my health and well-being.

A few weeks ago I chose to use a different online dating site that is of higher calibre than the free site that most use. I didn't want to put myself through that misery again but I was starting to feel the need for human contact and a touch of loneliness. In the week of the free trial, I started to get to know someone who I thought was quite interesting. He was very interested in me as well and in one conversation we got to the "what are your intentions" question. His answer was to find love. This caused me some pause and my heart to flutter a moment. In the past, I would have been quick to rebuke this notion and think nothing of the sort for myself. Instead, something else happened: I realized that's what I want too, that I deserve love. This was a pivotal moment in my life. When I look back at my relationships and wonder at the love that was had in them, I realize that I did love some guys but most times it was in passing or automatic. There have been two occasions of heart wrenching love: in 2000-2001 (it was never really the same after that) and in 2007 (one sided). In the same year of 2007, I thought I had love but my heart refused it and screwed it badly, beyond repair. I could go into the whys and hows of how I lost the feeling in my heart over the years. I know a big part of it was the complete lack of self-esteem/worth/compassion and denying the existence of my romantic side. I didn't think it worth while to let myself be the sweet, romantic girl I am inside. Instead, I went more leather than vanilla. Over the years, I have let myself be more vanilla.

Every girl dreams of being swept off her feet and feeling that pain in her chest, that knowing that someone out there cares for her and loves her for her (and that she loves him for him). I didn't think myself as being that kind of girl. I lost that sensation in my chest. I realize now that I have allowed myself to become disconnected from my heart. Over the last 7 years, I have been piecing myself back together and becoming in touch with many aspects of myself that were lost to me. Now it is time to work on my heart and acknowledge my true nature. Because, damnit, I want that pain in my chest, I want to feel special and cared for, I want to look forward to the small moments, I want to feel loved and love someone with my entire being equally, and I want to be accepted for who I am. I am an intelligent, educated, independent, passionate, good looking girl with a personality to boot. Yes, I may be insecure sometimes. I may need someone who will be patient with me as I work things out. What I do know for sure is that I am becoming a stronger woman each day and am learning how to love myself. But not just love myself, but trust myself and the woman I am. It is a beautiful thing :)

The guy I went out on a few dates was not be the one for me, but I can move forward with this knowledge and revelations (which made meeting him very worth while).

Back on track (nearly)

Today marks 4 weeks without my main "pain killer" and I am loving the clarity. Yea, I still have my down days but they're bearable. As long as pain doesn't go above a 6, I can manage :) I also re-joined goodlife. Went there on Saturday and ended up there longer than anticipated. Needless to say, my rib cage was sore on Sunday. It was workout sore, it is a different kind of discomfort. It is the kind of discomfort I know will go away, which makes it easier to deal with. Going to go every Saturday morning, like I used to. I am really looking forward to it.

Late night awareness

It's neigh midnight and I'm feeling alert unlike I have in a while. I finished a book on my kobo glo and then opened another one I had borrowed from the library out of curiousity only to find myself drawn in and intrigued. The book is "Pain Relief without Drugs" by Jan Sadler. It is an easy read with applicable exercises that I did along the way. I feel good from them, physically and mentally. The book is totally applicable to my newest strategies: reducing the Lyrica and the more recent experiment that I am now a week into. Basically, eliminating/reducing medicinal means. Since halving the Lyrica, I'm feeling less bloated and the "tire around my midsection" feeling is way less. I don't find a difference in my levels of pain. The other experiment is eliminating weed as a pain killer. But now I need new strategies. As I'm laying here with upper back pain, I know it's from not doing my morning exercises over the weekend (3 days). That's all it takes to end up in a fair deal of pain. The exercise is a natural way of feeling better but requires time, effort and conscious thought to execute. It takes getting into serious routine and talking myself out of my slumps. I know I need to do it. Already from the book I plan on integrating some of the simple exercises into my morning exercises. Every little thing helps :)

Standstill

My brain seems to be at a standstill lately. I've been wanting to write but nothing is coming out. I recently spent a week in the States for a conference and to visit my Grammy, who I hadn't seen in 10 years. I want to talk about it but feel like I'm lacking an outlet. I was supposed to have an appointment with my counsellor this week but she was laid off. Her last day was the end if April.

I have been with this counsellor nearly three years. She has been amazing and has helped me tremendously. She's the second one to have been helpful in my emotional growth. I have learnt valuable coping skills and dealt with many traumas with her. Before she left, I asked her to write a summary letter. I have it tucked away in a place I can consult anytime. When she told me she got laid off, I cried. I even got angry. I mourn her departure. Even my fibromyalgia specialist was stunned at this fact as seeing my counsellor has been integral to my sanity and is necessary in coping with the realities of the fibromyalgia. I was asked if I would like my dossier handed off to someone else. I agreed, simply saying that if I wasn't happy with the new person, I'll request another transfer. Simple as that. But it means starting from scratch again. Sure, they will have all of her notes, but it means telling my story and reaching an understanding again. In the meantime, I'm going to keep writing until I can get whatever is in my mind sorted out. I'll keep using the knowledge I have learnt over the last couple of years. She has indeed made me "realize how capable and brilliant I am". I also acknowledge and agree that I will need the therapeutic support that confidential counseling offers to continue to deal with my demons and realities as I continue to grow as the confident, intelligent woman I am.

All the "thank you"s in the world will never be enough to express my gratitude. Thank you.

I slept! I finally had a good night's #sleep! #fibro

I can proudly say that it has been three nights of decent quality sleep. I even slept the whole nights through. On Friday I was hardly functional. After being not very functional at work for the last two weeks, I finally called it in and spent 7 hours in bed Friday. It was great. I dozed in and out, my body was happy with me. I started to feel energy ebb back. I kept my weekend activities to a minimum, not that I could really do much without feeling exhausted. On Sunday I went for a small hike (30 min) and was tired after and even more tired after bathing the dogs. Yesterday, again, I kept it to a minimum but was tired after tutoring and even got cranky after walking the dogs. A shower saved my mood and my chills. I don't feel like there's a tire around my waist at the moment, but I am going to keep my appointment with my specialist none the less to go over things. Today I am feeling the need to be very careful how I use my energy. There's a contractor at my house installing windows and I would like to go home at lunch to check it out but with going out to take pictures of an event tonight, is it wise to bike/walk home at lunch? At least the bike ride back to work is mostly downhill. I am doubting that I should and may ask for help in getting home. This is where as time goes on that I am thinking a car may be beneficial.

While in bed on Friday, I went over a new strategy and thought about all the things I have tried along with what has worked and what hasn't. One thing I don't account enough for is how much energy I use doing my day to day things like walking. I walk a minimum of 60 minutes a day with going to and from work plus a bit more walking the dogs. This is my normal. Then I go do something silly like try to work out in the mornings and go swimming regularly. It was a good idea in theory but it caught up with me and I crashed. Now, instead of getting up early, my alarm goes off an hour later. If I get up when it goes off, I might still have time to walk the dogs, otherwise I will before bed. For working out, I will bike to and from work on Tuesdays and pick from the gym or swimming on Saturday. When I worked out every Saturday, I did very well. It may have only been one day per week, but it worked for me. For food, I am going back to the anti-inflammation diet and sticking with my veggies. When I did this back in August, it served me quite well until I feel off the wagon at the end of December.

I just checked... I missed time in October due to perfume (half day) then was out another two and half days the following week. My body crashed. Sick one day in March then in April the endo flared badly and I was out of commission for another day and a half. Keep in mind I had been taking a three day weekend each month to keep myself in good form.  So I have to say, that's not too bad at all.

So here's to another round!

I finally called my doc regarding my #fibro #lyrica and #pain

I have been battling with the question of what is going on with me as I seem to be not doing so good of late. Even my blog posts have been reflecting that. My concentration is out of whack, I'm tired more frequently, and the pain has been fluctuating but never really leaving me alone. Oh, and I have been gaining weight around my midsection in a way I am not used to. Usually when I gain, it is more evenly. It does not seem to be coming off as easily and my back is starting to hurt more. I find when I weigh more, everything hurts more. So, I finally called my doc with all this. Yes, the Lyrica has resulted in me being able to touch my toes and my massage therapists finds my muscles much more pliable but, does that outweigh the downsides? I am going to go speak with her in a week to find out what she thinks. In the meantime, I am going to do some more searching around to see what else I could do. Ideally, I'd like to come off this chemical mess and find more natural ways to deal with this through my diet and supplements.

The thing that really hit home to how things have been going is having a second article returned to me. This time saying that my sentence structure needs work. I am usually quite eloquent and write rather well. The article is positively awful! What the hell happened? Does being in pain and in fog really do this to me? Guess what, it most certainly does. I know I took fish oil before to help with the fog. The brain games and flaxseed is not enough any more so I need to start buying fish oil again. Let's see if that helps (going to get some tonight).

Also, I looked into my history on my blog to find out how long this downhill spiral has been going on. I posted in March about how the Lyrica has reduced my muscle guarding but also asked what the hell happened in January/February to have me gain so much weight. Guess when I increased the Lyrica: January. Son of a gun! I hope to high heavens and the earth below that it is not going to come down to weight gain vs muscle tension/pain. It's also a catch because as I gain weight, the more pain I am in. It's going to be a hell of  catch 22. So I hope it goes well with my doc and I come up with a strategy over the next week to present after hearing her suggestions.

oh my #caffeine, oh my #sugar, oh my #insomnia

I started drinking regular lattes again. It started with forgetting to ask for decaf, then just letting it slide, thinking nothing of it. Now, I am noticing how screwy my sleep is again and I am wondering if I should go back to strictly decaf lattes and coffees. Now that I have a new member of the family, that latte money is going to be going to his food anyway. It's really the perfect excuse to avoid the caffeine vs decaf debate (and to save money). It's a catch 22 of course; caffeine helps immensely on days I want to pass out and in a lot of discomfort and yet it can screw up my sleep. To boot, I have been indulging in the flavoured lattes which means sugar (I do at least as for half sweet just because I am not a fan of a mouthful of sugar but I like a bit of flavour). I must also remember that sugar means calories which goes to my expanding waistline. Oh *le sigh* Will I go back to my experiment of no more regular espresso? I think I just might and simply indulge in my vanilla almond milk homemade decaf lattes :) Perfect for the upcoming deck worthy weather.

Tomorrow I start #meditation for #endometriosis #fibro #pain

The past two weeks have been a hell of a roller coaster. Ended up missing work last Friday and this past Monday due to pelvic pain. That's right, the endometriosis pain is back. And for heaven's sake, I hope the referrals take less than 6 months this time. Also, I hope that I get properly checked out as the next step may be necessary; the shot has been slowly wearing off. I noticed it a few months ago and the last two or three shots I considered talking with my doctor about the stabbing coming back, here and there. The feeling of something being not quite right, the pulling feeling down there never fully left. Then the thralls of pain came back full force on Monday when I was reduced to tears. Thankfully my folks were in town and were able to drive me to the doc office where I was mildly coherent. The doc took down the names I was given for referrals and prescribed me percocets for pain. His words were, "when you are in pain, you need pain control". I however, am not a fan of heavy duty pain killers at all. Especially ones that are risky like percocets. After fully evaluating things, I did decide to take one and was couch ridden the rest of the day anyway. It does change your perception of pain. I could feel whatever hurt was still there but I was no longer in tears. I was not a fan of how it made it feel over all, but it did seem to numb me out. On my second try a few days later, I discovered exactly how much of a fan I am NOT of this type of way to deal with the pain.

Pain is difficult to deal with no matter what. This week's experiences lead to an evaluation of how different methods affect me differently. Take weed for example. It numbs me out in a different kind of way. Not in the nauseous-omg-this-sucks but more psychologically which is why I quit smoking years ago. I was psychologically/socially addicted to weed for about 7 years when I decided that I wanted to experience the world sober, without any influences. I was curious to know what it is like. I want to be clear headed and alert. This is where the conundrum happens: when I in pain or have a nasty migraine that makes me fuzzy and not functional, I am not clear headed. So what can I do about it? Pain medications put me in a state of not being clear headed or makes me physically ill. It becomes a game of lesser evils. So I wonder if there are methods I can use that do not require imbibing or inhaling substances to make things clearer. I want more clear days. Of this past two weeks, I have had one clear day. I have a meditation CD at home that I bought a while ago but never opened. I think it might be time.

I admit, it just might be a #fibro #flare

I am now going onto day 4 or 6 of feeling like crap. The headache still lingers, the blurred vision is still noticeable, and the fog seems here to stay for now, and I won't get into the physical pain and ailments that seem to be plaguing me. I know that I am stubborn and that it sometimes takes me time to get things sorted out to admit that I might not be able to overcome something. I guess today is a new day in that regard.

The trouble with a flare, even if it is a minor one threatening to lay me flat, is that I still have yet to figure out how to recover from one. Sitting too long doesn't help and moving too much makes it worse. Self-medicating compounds it and forces me to be reduced to doing nothing (which the past few evenings has probably been a good thing as it makes me couch bound and I have to relax). I think that's the key: relaxing. How to relax becomes the question. I know a nice hot bath or shower is fantastic. It helps and yet makes my body scream at me after to flake out out and relax, much like when I self-medicate. And once that voice starts screaming internally, I know that I am done for. That's not even fully counting the Chronic Fatigue side of things which renders me almost as useless. I have yet to learn how to calm that voice. It's like trying to calm a child that scrapped both knees and elbows and hands in a bike accident. What comes to mind at this moment is to use that self-compassion that I am learning about.

In consoling the child in mind, you would be compassionate towards her to make sure she is okay. In a way, I must find the same way to do so to myself. Maybe I was being silly on the bike and speeding or trying to do too much and ended up falling. Well, for one, I shouldn't beat myself up for it. We all do silly things and learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we don't see that one pebble that got stuck in the tire a few days ago that ended up causing the fall. I know I certainly didn't think I was doing too much although my body has been giving me warning signs. Sometimes, it is a catch 22.

I hadn't gone swimming in a week. Of course when I went on Wednesday, I swam about 20 minutes. Ooops, a little too much. I was out of commission that night. So this morning, I only made sure I swam 15 to make sure I didn't make the same mistake but I still went to keep up with it. It is much harder to gain momentum again even if I stop briefly because of holidays. Ah, that it is again, finding that balance. How do I go about having that balance this weekend? Well, I must ask myself, "what do I need? what will help?". Part of me doesn't know because it is scared of doing too much and ending up fully knocked on my ass. Another part of me knows that I can't fully stop without having repercussions when I start moving again. I need to find small tasks like sewing the new zipper into my purse that I am missing this week. Or, taking a nice slow stroll with Jasper (no power walking!). And let myself curl up on the couch to watch TV. Or better yet, find a book online through the library to enjoy in on of my reading corners.  I could even do a chapters adventure (a very calming excursion usually involving a latte in hand and wandering around the stacks). Do more with less. Conserve energy and do things that bring joy to my heart. Be compassionate to myself in time of pain.

Let go, miss perfectionist

Sometimes in life we come to a point where one must realize to trust oneself. I am finding the more confidence I put into myself, into my own trust, the more effective I am. I have accrued enough experience and done enough self-tests to feel self-reliable. For certain items, I still wait for external validation to make sure that what I am doing is in fact enough. Enough should be personally defined for many things. But that external comes mostly at work. Guess what, I finally received that external validation at work.

Work has been tumultuous 3 years of my life thus far. Many ups and downs, learning experiences and an immersion into a different work culture. I always put my main task as my main reason for doing pretty well everything I do here. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough as we all see the potential but we don't always see how to access the potential. Here's where I can finally feel like I can trust myself in what I am doing and continue what I am doing. My managers met about my division of tasks and apparently the supervisor that I have had a difficult relationship with in the past doesn't want me to feel like I don't have enough to do and doesn't want to lose me as an employee. I was in mild awe when I heard this. I am sure it would have registered more fully had I not had an impending migraine and a TMJ flare. She is also very happy with my work. It had to sink in... to be absorbed and realize what it meant. It means I am becoming more confident in what I do and it is showing. I am good at what I do and try to encourage others to make use of my skillset as a librarian. What this means is to stop being so damn paranoid! and... you got it... let go!

Letting go is not easy for me for some reason. After hearing all this, it is like I had to mourn what I was letting go of. I feel into a little slump and had to cheer myself up and give myself some self-compassion. Positivity begets positivity. Now that kind of cycle is one that you can learn to love. Enough of beating myself up and not feel like I am not doing enough. Sure, there is always more I can do but often times it comes down to opportunity and the right timing. With eyes and ears open at all times to find opportunities, the right timing will happen (because I will make it happen). Slowly but surely I am growing into the confident young professional I want to be as I let go my negative perceptions at work and embrace all the positive. This is internally and externally.

Internally speaking, I am very tough on myself. I am currently reading a book called "Self-compassion" by Kristien Neff (http://www.self-compassion.org/). I started it through a psychology experiment that some students were doing on campus. I figured, "why not". I must admit that it has been a really good experience. Instead of going through the website, I bought the book and am reading it on my Kobo. Each chapter gives me new insight in how to be more compassionate toward myself, how to be my own friend. It seems to be natural in our society to be more compassionate towards our friends than ourselves when it is ourselves that often needs it the most. One example is on an airplane, the instructions tell you to put on your own mask first before helping others. This rings true for love. I believe it is important to love yourself. In loving yourself, love towards others comes easier and you attract more people who are positive towards themselves. It's a positive cycle.

Externally speaking, I think it comes to how I think I am perceived by others, especially at work. My social life is rather quiet lately to really comment on. This is my own doing and I own up to that. At work though, I am so tough on myself and feel like I have to work twice as hard to keep up and show that I am doing the best I can. I think it is time to let the real me shine through and just be me. No more trying-to-hard exterior. One idea of doing this is having a conversation with the manager with which I have had difficulties. The thing is that I am going to have to ask her if I can be frank with her in my maternal language (English) as it actually is hard to be eloquent in my working language (French) with someone who makes me kind of nervous. I think doing this will reduce my nervousness further. Perhaps next week. Either way, it will be when I see and hear the right opportunity to take.

The secrets that makeup hide

I am not much for makeup but lately I have been wanting to get a nice foundation to help smooth out my complexion. My face is always red (natural redhead and rosacea). But when it comes down to it, I just realized it does more than that. I'm not feeling terribly well today and just vented a bit to my sister-in-law who had a "hunch" that things weren't going too well this week. A passing thought afterwords was "at least I look good". At least I look good? Part of the make up and dressing smart is to hide how I really feel. At least if I look good on the outside, I have that to feel good about and to appear to be doing well to the outsider.

I am so exhausted today. At least it is not as bad as Monday when I felt like simultaneously passing out and curling up in a ball in pain. But it is close. Even swimming 15 minutes was exhausting! The walk back home after just made me feel like I wanted to pass out. But that's okay. I will keep with it. The trick is keep other activities to a minimum until I feel better again. Better is a subjective term, but I will go with it. I am proud of myself for deciding to go with the workout thing and sticking with it. I realized today my goals are a tad lofty, to get up to 45minutes of each gym and swimming after 8 weeks. I am in week two and at 15 swimming and 25 gym/videos exercise. But that is success in itself and I should not be discouraged. If it takes longer, then that's the way it is and I will gladly reevaluate as necessary. My sister in law agreed to go to the gym with me on a Saturday sometime soon to help come up with a workout routine, which I am very much looking forward to and quite grateful for the help.

So, one more week to go and then I have a five day weekend with which I can relax and get back to par. The trick is to not take on any major projects (like painting).

Cheers

That feeling of having done too much

I got out swimming again this morning (yay!) and was about 13 minutes in and was going to do another lap but my body went "whoa" so I dove under the lane divider and headed home. I had woken up tired and not wanting to move to begin with which is hard to know if it is because I am truly exhausted or that I just can't wake up very easily. This morning it was the exhausted, as I later found out. This morning at work was a mixture between wanting desperately to pass out while simultaneously writhing in pain. I knew what I had to do at lunch to make it alright, and it is now bearable and I can function.

When I started the whole workout this last Tuesday, I knew that it would result in 2-3 weeks of mild misery. I have identified the difference between workout aches and fibro aches. I learnt that I can still swim fairly well and can jog longer intervals and about different gym equipment. On Friday my legs ached and were difficult to move and I got cranky. The crankiness comes from the fatigue, I'm sure of it. Saturday I made sure to go to the gym to talk with the trainer on site to learn about certain machines so I have no excuse this week. The thing is that I also went out on Saturday night for the first time since before Christmas. It was fun, it was great and spent with my awesome neighbours. It was a worthwhile adventure.

So, I am silently sending out wishes for every one to bear with me while I get this routine on track. It means early mornings but planning for them the evening before. It means using a lot more energy than I am used to. It means discovering forgottten muscles. It means being healthier, having stronger muscles, and making the most out of my potential. It means me being me.

Positive changes

This last week I have had a change of mindframe.

Spring Fever

It has been a little bit since my last posting. There have been some good developments since then. I finally went to see my doctor about my medication. Somehow I call when there's an intern, which I don't mind at all. Anyway, I explained how I noticed that I am able to touch my toes only at night (which is after I take my Lyrica). So they decided to increase my daytime amount. Guess what! I was able to touch my toes a couple of hours after taking the new dose! I went to my physiotherapy appointment later that day and was able to show him. About a week or two later I had my massage therapy session and he found that my muscles were much more willing to release. The best guess as to why all this happens is because the Lyrica reduces my muscle guarding. I have always have had stiff and very tense muscles. Now that I am taking a good dose of the Lyrica and able to touch my toes and my muscles don't get quite as tense, I am left wondering how long have I really had the fibro? All these "symptoms" are not new to me, they have been my reality for most of my life. I doubt I will ever really have an answer to that question.

Life has been a precarious balance between doing too much and not doing enough. Finally my body decided that I have been doing too much and ended up having to take my first sick day this year (so proud of myself for having lasted this long). Then of course over the weekend, when I finally had energy again, the spring cleaning bug hit and I cleaned, tidied, and organized key areas of my house. It has now been three days that my kitchen has kept tidy and it will stay that way! Good thing I knew when enough was enough and didn't get to scrubbing the cabinets.

This morning I realized that I have been gaining weight. So finally I bit the bullet and weighed myself... the dreaded 130 appeared on the scales. The reason I dread seeing that is because I was 150+lbs at one point. So that 130 is my red flag to make sure I do not surpass that number. Losing 5-10 pounds is easier than 20-30. I knew that this was coming as my jacket and shoes were not fitting like they were. It is a good thing that I still have some clothes from when I was heavier. After work today I will be heading the campus gym to check it out and quite possibly pay for a membership. I will be armed with my workout gear in the even I do decided to join. I do worse, fibrowise, as I get heavier. My back and feet are hurting more and it might explain how much more fatigued I am. In addition to the gym, I am happy to say that I have been cooking real meals again for the last week. Which leads me to another point... What the hell happened in January and February?

Each year I push the weight envelope a bit and don't eat well or don't do something for a couple of months each year. Usually it happens after Christmas. When I drank it was booze... and it was usually about this time of year I came out from my blitz going "okay! I have got to stop drinking". This year, now that I do not drink, it is "okay! I have got to stop eating so much". Have I gone from one crutch to another? It is quite possible. Now is the time to wonder how to prevent it next year. The trouble is that is comes and settles around me so quietly and unnoticed until it is well on the way. A point to ponder.

Progress is Happiness

Two posts in one night... this is a rarity. There is one thing I mentioned in the last post that really needs to be elaborated in another one to make sense. It's that feeling of having changed in light of seeing someone from your past. I am told at almost every visit to my counsellor how far I have come and how well I am doing. Sometimes I simply smile and nod, knowing vaguely that there is some truth to what she is saying but not totally believing it. It sounds odd, but I actually feel solid. That piece in my chest that was a shadow of me is actually there and I know who I am for once in my life. I know what I am doing, why I am doing it, and even a bit of where I am going. I know who I was, what has formed me, and the history of hurdles that has brought me here. For better or worse, I love me for me. And that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Friendship

What does friendship mean? How do you know if it is an acquaintanceship or a friendship? What happens when you realize a friendship is really an acquaintanceship? Do you change how you interact with the person? Do you continue as status quo? What differs the two? Oh so many questions about friendship. One thing is to have a relationship that is not frequently stressful, regardless of which category it fits into. 

I have had a lot of experiences in toxic relationships, unfortunately. At least I knew to leave when it was getting bad enough. Funny though, I am quicker to leave bad relationships or relationships that I do not see going anywhere than a friendship. I don't know if I really know the definition or a good friendship or even a good relationship. What is a healthy relationship or friendship or even acquaintanceship? I think this is important to evaluate from time to time. When I think of people I could call up and dish out on and hang out with, I do think of a few people and I cherish them. Sure, I don't know all the rules and have overstepped a couple of times in friendships while at the same time I am always ready to drop everything to help out a friend. I have noticed that as I grow and mature and become more confident with myself that I am attracting healthier relationships with people. They are real and tangible and equal. Even after not seeing someone for a while I see a difference in myself. I see a stronger person that can stand on her own two feet and not shying away, afraid of making the wrong move. But that's another blog post entirely; this one is about friends. 

I have to ask myself how important having friends is to me. Is it a must? Do I need them to function as a person? the answer is having a support network is important. I have learned that having people who love you and support you and are willing to put up with me (and vice versa) is very important. Being completely alone all the time is not the healthiest thing to do, especially when you are susceptible to depression. Having the cats and Jasper helps keep a lot of that away but at the same time having meaningful human contact outside of work is beneficial. It has been suggested to me to find a common interest group to go check out. It is something I have thought of time and time again but haven't really found one to go check out (and that doesn't cost too much). I love my house but getting out and about keeps a person sane. It's a matter of finding a balance. Ah, there's that keyword: balance. The key to life and happiness.... is finding overall balance. Is there a balance to be found in friendship? Well of course but what is it....

Thriving in defeat

I have spent part of the week trying not to feel defeated. How do I avoid that feeling? I think the problem is that I am trying to avoid it. It shouldn't be about avoiding but rather dealing with the feeling. Along with that feeling of possible defeat, anger boils under without really seeing it come. Little things pick here and there to be seen and misunderstood. I don't think there is a way to completely avoid it without having a little outburst. Part of me wants to simply hide in face of this defeat and be done with things. I am glad to know that things are simply not that simple. Yes, I am stuck in a box within certain constraints and have learned how to find freedom within that box. I am bound by student loan and other responsibilities to work to do what I need to do. I am bound by my health and have to listen to my body to make sure I keep everything in good shape to be able to continue my responsibilities that come along with the life I have. Yes, it is frustrating. But it is life. It is one of those weeks that you can come out stronger at the end. I am proud of how I dealt with this evening in the end of it all. Sure I faltered but I came home, took my meds, and immediately took Jasper out for a quick paced walk around the neighbourhood (by the way, he walked very well). Just doing that small action helped a great deal. Also, I am keeping with what I said in my last post to write it out. I know that the more I bottle stuff in, the worse things are in the long run. I also know I need some good music therapy in the near future.

Thriving

Good morning. It is a wonderful Friday! It has been productive already and even made it to work completely on time. I finally went to my doctor to talk about my Lyrica dosage. It was a smart thing to do. I have to admit that it helps. Hell, I can touch my toes when I take the right dosage because my muscles aren't completely contracted! Yesterday went fairly well for the first day. It was also a crazy Thursday with technical difficulties and everything. By some miracle, I wasn't cranky at the end of the crazy day :)

By the way, I did find out that it is just fibro with a ton of other symptoms that make my health difficult to deal with at times. I started a post a few weeks ago about this and even went to list all the little thing that I do have. In so many ways, it doesn't matter. I am not my health problems. I will deal with them and learn to still thrive in my life even though I have whatever. So many times over the last couple of years I have told myself that I am more than a survivor, I want to thrive. I have survived so many things that it has proved my resilience and determination to do what I need to do. A day with a smile throughout is a good day. No matter what happens, as long as that smile is there, it is a good day. I have to remember that each and every day.

With any problem, soon as awareness of what the problem is established, dealing with it becomes easier and then moving on is possible. It is true that sometimes we don't even know what the problem is until we ask the right question. How do you come to the right question? Discourse. Discovery through discourse is something I used to say when I was doing my bachelor degree. It is just as true today. Everytime I write, talk, and think aloud, I open myself up to discovering new information and even finding solutions. I think one of my resolutions should be to get back into writing. Unfortunately, I found myself in a bit of grey zone for a while which awake my shadow and numbed me to my interests. I am happy to say that I am now getting out more again, doing more with Jasper, keeping my house in order, and getting more organized.

Speaking of getting organized, I think I found a new way to keep my tasks in order at work. I have many projects on the go nowadays. So after wracking my brain of what to do as I need more than to do lists, I came up with buying a day planner. In the day planner I have a list of what I need to do. This list will continue to grow. I have notes pages to write in more detail the processes involved to complete the project. Then there are monthly calendars so I can write down deadlines that I create for the projects, even tiny steps of each project. Finally, there are weekly calendars where I can mark down what I did that day and plan for the next day(s). I have to keep on top of it, but I believe it will be useful. I will try it for this year and I will keep doing it if it does go as well as I have in mind.

Anyway, this post has gotten away on me. It feels so good to be writing again with such freedom.

Cheers