The lesser of evil

I've been thinking about this post for a little while now. I did get to see the neurologist about the MS, of which I was cleared. He said that if the big man were to come down and ask me to take away one thing, it would be the Fibro. Without the Fibro, everything else would be more manageable. The everything is the 15 symptoms that I went through in our appointment. I have been curious to see what all my problems would be if listed, so here it goes:
- Chronic daily headaches
- Migraines
- Fibromyalgia
- IBS
- Gluten intolerance
- Endometriosis (suspected)
- Cold intolerance
- Irlen syndrome
- Cataract and glaucoma (the problem eye is now a prosthetic eye)
- Chemical sensitivity
And I might be forgetting one or two items.

Freedom

I have been abused and bullied for a good portion of my life: sexually, verbally, emotionally. The other day, I was able to deal with the latest which also touches the first encounter. At least this time it only took less than two years to speak about it with a professional. When I left, I felt free and yet exhausted. Like a little knot in my heart finally unravelled. This new feeling has left me weak and an opportunity to rebuild. I compartmentalized every abuse so I couldn't feel anything. Truth be told, I have only been learning how to feel for only a few years now. It is a strange knowledge to have, not knowing how to genuinely feel. Some feelings are positive and other negative. But, like most adults who experienced sexual abuse as a child, the ability to feel and deal with things becomes distorted. Especially with dealing with new sexual abuses. I was date raped almost two years ago. I dealt with it like I dealt with the other abuses: I hide away and compartmentalized everything. Little did I know the subtle impacts it would have on my life like coming out of the closet, becoming disgusted by sex and shying away from relationships, to wanting to move away. I lived in a blur for the few weeks after, as the physical bruises slowly vanished, the emotional ones take much longer to fade away. I thought I had dealt with it. Then I finally found the right question to ask in a counselling session which sparked tears. Tears that I should have shed long ago but never did. Tears are very healing and signs of moving in a new direction. They undo knots and provide relief from mumbled sobs of anger and sadness. The sadness of seeing those around you know and still deal with the burden on your own. The difference this time round is that I have help from a wonderful counsellor. Knowing that I have three cats and a dog always wanting to make me feel better is a blessing. I have best friend now that I know if I had known her when it happened that I would have been able to confide in a heartbeat. But at the same time, dealing with such hurt is a personal thing. History has a way of repeating itself, so then it was repeated. The one thing I am glad of is that I had the opportunity to finally deal with the childhood hurt and face that demon too.
Part of that demon and effect of knowing abuse is the ability to have proper, health relationships. From my very first one, I experienced abuse and hurt. This trend continued until I decided to just simply drop out of the dating game. Going for more "safe bets" but not staying around too long. Over this last year, I have not felt comfortable with dating. The only exception is my ex from this year because I knew him 10 years ago, in another lifetime. He was safe in his own way (but in truth is a complete jackass horndog). Before I can have something healthy and lasting, I need to be well. I need to heal and feel comfortable in my own skin without beating myself up for things I could hardly control.
I am a strong, confident woman who will go far in life. I know what I want and I need to celebrate that. The answers I need are in my heart and I shouldn't ignore them. Maybe I will start writing again, as I lost that when I lost myself again. Everything will be right again.... I know that for sure.

The avoidance of worry #fibro

I never want or will be accused to being a hypochondriac. The unfortunate truth is that the ailments I figured I have were proven to be had. I am a very smart, intelligent woman who looks at medical stuff rather objectively. I list my symptoms and look at them globally and individually to figure out what the hell is going on with me. The fibro was one of those recent "yup, that's it" that occured last year. Now there are symptoms that have me on the alert again to figure out what is going on. The symptoms don't fit with fibro (but could knowing how fibro can be quite different person to person). The one symptom that set me off to figuring out things again that doesn't necessarily fit with the fibro are vision problems. I have sight in one eye only, so when something funky is happening with my vision, I get a tad worried. Aside from the two occassions of losing part of my sight for a few hours and seeing the squiggly lines/floaters in my sight every now and then, now there's been more blurriness than ever. Is it migraines? Well, the blurriness and vision loss have occurred without headaches... which confused me when I was told I had an ocular migraine but I didn't get the migraine part. The pain in my legs is only getting worse. I get nasty pain through my back which has been lessened with physio exercises (thank goodness!). It is frustrating to me when my legs hurt so much that I can hardly walk. I have worked from home for that very reason, that I knew I wouldn't be able to walk back to work without being in serious pain. The fatigue, general malaise, endometriosis, IBS, generalized pains, chemical sensitivity, etc is all fibro. That I do know. I do not discount that diagnosis. I just think there might be something else going on. There are other items as well, but these are the major concerns. The more I read on about MS, the more I go "yup". Like the cold intolerance. Cold intolerance can be a thyroid issue (no issues with my thyroid) but it fits with MS. I could go on like this with other symptoms... I know each individual element can be signs of many different illnesses but when they are all added up together, a grim picture can be seen. So, I have made the first step and saw my family doc who got me in to see the neurologist within two weeks. I just hope the neuro believes me and does the appropriate tests. Whichever way the tests come back means moving forward. Be it that I do have it and can start treatment to avoid degeneration or I can discount it and move on to figure out the individual elements.  I just went through all of this a year ago. But, I have some hope that the doctors will listen. It is sad in a way that I am more worried about the neurologist taking me seriously than the actual diagnosis. When I saw this neurologist 10 years ago for migraines, he didn't seem to believe my migraines... so that history doesn't really help here. I'm worried that it will take 6 months or more to figure it out. I know tests take time and I am willing to wait the necessary time but, I would like some relief, some hope.

After a busy month

It feels like forever since I wrote my last blog post. I am currently trying to look through my cat while I work from home for the afternoon (curse light sensitivity along with a mild flare). Thankfully, I have a very understanding supervisor. My goal is to work. If I can work from home and be productive when I know I am at my end and would not be productive in my office, then so be it from time to time. This is the second time I have done this since September. It was after a couple taxing weeks (I'll get to that in a minute), I was going home for lunch and had no strength left in my legs and hurt a lot, so I asked to work from home because it would have been excruciating to walk back to work and home again. I am not after for this to become a regular occurrence but I am damn glad to be to able to from time to time. I may not be physically able sometimes and the fluorescent lights and smells make it impossible to concentrate but I am very resourceful and will always find a way.

September was extremely busy; I did a total of 12 class presentations and 4 individual information sessions. It was crazy, taxing, and wonderful. I enjoyed being that busy and kept it together most of that entire time, only needed that afternoon I worked from home. Then of course it all caught up me into the third week of October when I went into a flare/fought off a cold after being bombarded with perfume overload. My fibro flares like crazy when I am exposed to nasty perfume. I was done for.. I was out of commission for four days. It seems to be once a month, I need to take a day just to get away from the overload. I love my job though, so at least I don't feel terribly stressed when it comes to the work involved.  :)

5 weeks on and rocking it #exercise #diet #fibro @goodlifefitness

I am happy to say that I have successfully made it to the gyme on a Saturday morning 5 weeks in a row! So proud of myself. It has also been.... 5 weeks today that I started my new "diet" to more vegetarian, occasional seafood, reduced to no gluten, no soy, no msg, and no overdoing sugar and junk. My body rejoices with that change as well.

When it comes to the gym, I started with my problem area of my chest and trapezius area of my back. I figured if I were to strengthen those muscles, I would feel less pain. Guess what, it worked! After working up to it over the last few weeks, I started to do a full body circuit this past Saturday. Working up gradually is very important. If I were to go in all guns blazing, I would feel like hell and it would be hard to go back. So started with the "important" stations and ALWAYS the stretching station (I *heart* the stretching station). I have never been the althetic type but my body reacts very well to exercise (must be the fibro).  What is even better is that after the gym, I find myself over at the market to get a latte and fill my bags with veggies.

When I started my new veggie-filled diet, it was an experiment to see the effects. I feel better and have more energy. My IBS only flares up when I have too much of something from my not-so-good-for-me list. An unintended consequence is losing about 5lbs, making some of my clothes fit awkwardly now. I think part of this loss and effect on my wardrobe is the fact that I am way less bloated. I plan on keeping this up. Also, this new diet is a lot cheaper and better for me than my previous healthy but misguided ways.

Of course, I saw my doc today and reported these findings to her (well, to her student doc who passed on the info). It was another "keep up the good work". I had mentioned about cost about gym membership and she said that the gym membership is super important, even compared to physio (which I got a script for today because I finally remembered to mention it in an appt) and massage. I know if I wait too long for a massage, it majorly sucks. But, in theory, the gym helps at the root of the problem: my muscles. So, I will definitely keep up with what I am doing and rocking it :)

Future and present considerations #fibro #children

Much has happened in the last few weeks, months. I was in a fantastic relationship until I realized a whole lot of small variables adding up and the impact on my health. I decided that we were better off as friends and he was completely on the same page. In this relationship, he was up front with me about not having any more children (he has two). I was completely fine with this. For some reason this thought process of children in the future has been coming up a fair amount. Up until about 6-7 years ago, I did not want to bring children into this world. Then I realized that I would because I would teach them not only how to survive, but also thrive in this world. When I verbalized that sentiment, my counsellor at the time nearly cried. It was a very moving moment. Now, I am 28 years old, young in many ways. However, I do not see my own children in my future. I see the children of friends and family whom I can teach these life lessons to. My hesitation about having kids of my own is mostly based on my health and lifestyle choices. A couple of weeks ago, I was lying in the tub, relaxing and I had an image of me in 15 years, after my pets have gone onto other worlds and being able to travel freely. I have decided that if I get another dog, it would be in the next two years. Otherwise, I would wait until after I have travelled the world enough to my satisfaction and settle down again. I look at my pets as my children. Frankly, I have days where I know I cannot do much at all and look at Jasper wishing I could do more with him. How could I survive that kind of heart break with my own kids. I do not know what direction my fibro is going to take or if I can even have kids with the suspected endometriosis. I want to be able to enjoy live and be there for those I love and care about. Now, I look at the scenario for if I have kids: I would have to have a fully supportive husband and be able to work part time for a while after maternity leave. My mom's health isn't the greatest either but I know she would help in any way possible. When looking at the possibility of having kids, it is almost like playing Russian roulette with my own body and mind. I know it would be very rewarding to have kids of my own. The question that is plaguing my mind: when is the right time to make that decision and when will the doctors acknowledge my choice and allow me to be childless and potentially be rid of certain physiological pain?  I keep saying that my body might decide for me before I make the actual decision.

When I look into the future, I do not see myself with anyone. I see myself happy and smiling. I function rather well as a single, independent woman. It is one of the things that my ex liked about me. It is one of the things I like about myself. Having someone to share stories with and enjoy time together is nice though. So I have my good friends and family. I don't see the necessity of being with someone. Sometimes when I am in a bad way health wise, I find myself thinking how it would be nice to have someone to take care of me though. My cats and dog find their own ways to make sure that I am okay and be there for me. It's nice to have that kind of unconditional love. As long as I pace myself reasonably and stay organized, I know that I can accomplish a lot on my own. Yes, I will be required to ask for help from time to time. This is where the effort in creating an effective support network. I am very thankful to have those in my life that are supportive and caring. Whatever decision I come to, I know that they will support me in that decision. Love you guys :)

Long time no blog #fibro #gtd #budgeting #healthy

For the last few months, I have been keeping more to paper and pen entries than typing. Sometimes it is way more cathartic. I have been doing an immense amount of research and reading. The goal has stayed the same: to improve my quality of life. I enjoyed a vacation where I didn't do a whole lot but did do projects around the house. I survived a workshop adventure in the States. Oh, and got to hang out with my brother and family. Overall, not bad :)

The day I returned back to work was like walking in a negative brick wall. The place suffocated me and I just wanted to cry and run away. The saddest part is that I wasn't the only one with that feeling upon returning. I know that my job affords me opportunities that may not be easily had at other places. I have talked with what could be the otherside of the fence, and the grass was definitely not greener. It did give me a certain appreciation for my workplace. So the management here needs some tweaking and it will happen over the next 6 months with hiring a new director. From there, who knows what other impacts will happen. I resolved to turn my own frown upside down. I am the maker of my own happiness. Yes, there are outside influences but they do not directly affect my day-to-day work. That's all me, baby. I got on board with a new productivity system, Getting Things Done, and found a wicked app for my iPhone to help me be more productive, Remember the Milk. I feel like I have a way better grasp of my day-to-day workings and planning. I actually feel more relaxed knowing that it's there for me. I'm in the process of reading "Don't sweat the small stuff..." and gaining fantastic advice from there. Last week was awesome. Even though I physically wasn't feeling well most of the week (recovering from the weekend, I suspect), it was a really good work week. It did finally take it's toll Friday though and I ended up going home after the morning break due to unrelenting headache-turning-into-migraine, nausea and pain that had me near tears. But that's okay. I took it in stride and went home to recover and get better.

In my personal life, I think some of what I am doing at work stemmed from some changes. I have completely revamped my budget and starting a new system soon. Almost done my new wallet to help me manage everything :) My outlook is slowly flexing and changing. More positive and compassionate. Sometimes we have the option to choose between positive and negative. Whenever I can choose to be positive, I go that route. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the positive or to be positive when you feel like you are being dragged down. And that's okay too. As they say, "and this too shall pass".

And lastly, my diet has undergone a "revamp" as well. Trying something new with more healthy food recipes and a lot of cooking from scratch. I did find a way to work around it through by pre-chopping up all my veggies so during the week I just have to throw it all together. Today I am fortunate that I even have left-overs to look forward to having at lunch time. Every Saturday morning is my market morning to go get my veggies. I also go to the gym before the market :) It makes for a full morning through with walking downtown, 20 min or so doing circuit and stretching at the gym, and wander around the market to get produce. Then this past weekend, I also walked down to the mall to go to the grocery store and to run some errands. It is tiring. I do wish that the buses were still running. I was smart this time and have budgeted for a cab to do my Saturday errands. Then I get home and have a list of chores to do. What gets done, gets done. I need my relax time. It is absolutely necessary.

With every experience comes a learning curve of some sort. This has taken me a long time to get here and damn glad I am finally catching on and able to apply what I have learned. I am looking forward to future learning experiences and applying them.

To happy health :)

Cheers

Working out and Not imploding

I was just on pinterest and saw a tone of pictures on working out, pushing yourself, grilling workout setups, about it being worth it, etc. I agree it is worth it. But I also know that if I pushed myself half as hard as some of these posters encourage, I'd implode a day or two later. It all requires that famous word: Balance. Yes, I must motivate myself to get up easier in the morning and to eat healthy. I think that should apply to nearly anybody. Mornings can be a bit brutal but it feels so darn good when I have time to lay out the yoga mat on my bedroom floor to stretch out my screaming muscles and do some light strength and yoga exercises. My body loves me for it. I am currently looking into a type of yoga to find out if it would help me at night to sleep. Damn insomnia loves taking grasp of me, laying awake wide-eyed and wondering why the hell I feel so awake. If I could take all of this, find a balance, and reduce the medications I take to get through a day or week sometimes, I would be so much better off in many ways.

It helps that happiness is playing a wonderful card in my life right now. I was out walking the dogs with my best friend the other day and I looked at her and said how glad I am to stay around here. I love going out with our dogs, I love going out for walks, seeing my family and friends, seeing my wonderful boyfriend, and enjoying life. I have gained a little bit more independence by buying a bike. For example, this afternoon my boyfriend is busy with work so I will continue with plan A and bike to my appointment. It'll be interesting. I don't have money for cabs all the time and I am not a fan of bugging my Dad to take me to appointments. We all have lives and stuff to do too. I cannot bike absolutely everywhere, I know I must draw limits. The bus system is completely screwy right now with many routes cut and the schedules are short changed in the routes that do remain, so building up my ability to bike more places helps a lot. Again, I have to listen to my body and balance things. I did find one advantage to the bus changes: it makes going to the gym easier :) But, let's take today for example where I am most likely going to bike a good hour just to and from my appointment, not including to and from work... is it really a good idea to go down to the gym too? Probably not.

Remember, balance.

Stop and try again

The last few weeks have been crazy and busy. So much going on and changing and being more active. Started riding my bike to work everyday, started going to the gym once or twice a week, plus house chores and walking/hiking with jasper.... and fighting off colds. My system finally had its say mid last week when I started thinking that I need to stay home and rest. Finally happened on Friday. Then what did I do? I woke up early Saturday morning, as usual, and proceeded to mow the back lawn, go to the market, then grocery shopping, hiked, and then realized I should slow the f-down. Needless to say an hour after waking on Sunday, I was exhausted. Took the melatonin again after a week of not taking it. Apparently I do need it. The tooth pain, pain and what not kept me awake and not fully resting for a good week or so. The tooth pain has thankfully gone down since my quick trip to the dentist last Wednesday. There is a lesson to be learned here, I am sure of it. For right now, trying to calm down this flare before the nasty humidity hits this week.

Since coming back from APLA 2012 in Wolfville, many things have changed. For one, my perspective on life. I decided to stay here. I love my house, my neighbourhood, my friends, and family. The thing I didn't like in my job got changed and approved. Will be taking on the added duties starting September. This was a major victory for me. My mom and best friend jumped for joy, my supervisor sighed in relief and was glad to keep me around. I made it known that one of the reasons I was looking at changing jobs was to have more duties and to be able to do more of what I love. I felt like I was finally walking on settled group, a feeling I haven't had in a few years. All of the sudden, I was finally settling into my house and personalizing it more. I was also doing more and bought a bike instead of doing renovations to my house that would make it more marketable. Priorities changed. There was that zest for life. 


Fast forward two weeks and I realized that as wonderful as that zest is and desire to be doing well and to be healthy that I forgot something in there. I overtaxed myself and forgot that I can't do it all. I need to have both that zest for life and the wisdom to know my limits. It is all a learning experience. I want to keep up and do it all. If all you do is push, push to keep up.... it does nip you in the bud later on. I'm still an early adapter to this fibro thing and haven't pushed myself so much yet that I am constantly in the state of pushing (meaning constantly in pain) because I do give myself a chance to relax and can find ways to reduce my level of activity. I have also learned to listen and learning self-compassion. It goes a long way.

Biking my way to freedom and health

I am very happy to say I finally have wheels. They get me to and from where I need to go everyday. So far, I have been using it regularly to get and from work. I am truly enjoying it already. Even though it's raining, it is sitting out there waiting for me at the end of the day so I can get home quicker to my puppy :)

Morning Glory and Conference

Things are going pretty good. :) Getting things stablized health wise, so feeling good about that. I had an awesome sunny weekend. Got to hang out with friends and enjoy time outside with my kitties and puppy. I really couldn't ask for more. Although, because of the super nice weather, it was hard to drag myself instead to get ready for a conference this week. I'm getting excited now to be going and am looking forward to networking and presenting. I even found batteries for my hearing aid to make it more enjoyable!

I really enjoy when I get to write such a positive blog post :)

Cheers!

Something right

For the first time in over a month, I had to go home early from work yesterday. I must be doing something right. I have a sneaky suspicion that if I look back to find out when I started taking the melatonin and 5HTP would correspond to my last sick day and general improvement. So happy with that, I smile. Getting back on track is good :) I even weighed myself this morning and I am back down to where I should be. This made me double smile :) :) Just need to keep on making these positive changes and all will continue to improve. Of course, I will take care and listen to my body. This little piece is probably the most important in my health, physically and mentally. Today marks a proud milestone for me and a moment of reflection that I shall always keep in mind.

Cheers

Monday Morning

After a good weekend, I am back to work on this lovely Monday morning. I am glad I took Friday off to get some stuff done. I did some painting and other stuff around the house. Unfortunately that resulted in not doing a whole lot on Saturday. Actually spent the day just shopping and browsing with my best friend. Both of us were having a fibro day. So it was nice to just take it easy. We even had our dogs with us. They enjoyed spending the day with us and getting out to run in the fields before the rain started again. One of the items I got was a old lamp at a market. It had a white, speckled base and white lampshade. I finally painted it last night a nice navy blue base and covered the shade with the same fabric as my curtains. It looks awesome!

Here's the lamp:

We also got out to the trail on Sunday with the dogs. It was a good long walk, maybe too long. I am certainly feeling it today.

You know that feeling like you just had the hell scared out of you by your alarm clock and it takes 15-20 minutes or so just to relax the muscles again and calm down.... that was this morning. Not sure how many spoons that used up. It's a spoonie day.


Cheers

Strange feeling

What is this strange feeling? This confidence and smile on my face? Is this a reaction to the supplements? A reaction to sleeping? If it is, then I will continue to move forward and stick with what is seemingly working. Strange how chemicals in your body are changed by medications. I used to shy away from a lot of medications but sometimes there is an inbalance and medications are required to balance things again. Today I am feeling good about my job, about my life and so on. When I found out that I was not involved in a committee, I talked with my supervisor and am now involved. I was curious how the budget would work out if I were to pursue an online course and talked it over and even signed up for it. The course will be a nice refresher for my management, communication, and teambuilding skills. Something simple yet something to learn from. Always learning.
I got to see my doctor yesterday and we talked over things. I really like how I can sit down and talk with her. I see the hesitation on her face and in her voice about somethings, so I ask for more suggestions or clarification. Basically, continue with what I am doing, do more stretching, and to give her a call if I need anything. I'm doing good to figure out things and manage my health. Taking alot of it into my own hands. But I do a lot of research and talking with many health professionals before making informed decisions. So far, it is working out for me. I have tried somethings and found it was not very effective and tried other methods and they work great. The food journal is helping me a lot in figuring out some of my triggers. It is all connected, I am sure of it. There are medications that she has suggested and I shy away from due to past experience with them. I am keeping the lyrica to help with sleep and pain. It also keeps the migraines at bay, even at a low dose at night. I found taking it for the daytime didn't really help much. It's a lesson learned, so I take that knowledge and make the best use of it. Reducing the stressors in my life goes a long way too. The less stress the better I feel. The more I stress and get frustrated, the worse I am. Which is probably why I haven't been feeling the best the last few weeks. Maybe I will get back on the wagon this weekend to get more stuff done. Have been plotting and planning now for a while and time to put it into effect.
Cheers

Cat and the cookbook

Sleep and Food

It's amazing what lack of sleep can do to a person. I have been feeling worse and worse over the last few days.  Tummy has been getting better though since I decided to slowly take myself off the Lyrica. The lack of sleep is from running out of the 5-htp. One way to find out if something is making a difference is to stop taking it I guess. After a few more nights of taking the 5htp again, I imagine I'll feel right as rain again.

The food diary thing has been paying off. Been doing it for about a week and already made some interesting discoveries. Feeling way less bloated and there's less pain. Going to do read some more of this book "Meals that heal inflammation" by Julie Daniluk. It has been helping me make connections between feeling ill and certain foods and pills. My goal is to get my tummy back in order. Taking the acidophilus has been helping with that for sure :)

I know I am on the right track. Now to continue and not lose track of things. Ideally, I want to keep this food diary until I run out of room in my little notebook. Here's an example of what I'm doing. One side for the food, beverage and medication/supplements and the other side with how I feel and observations.

Cheers

Third person post #HAWMC

Mascot post hasn't gone up yet, it will tonight if I get a chance to get close to my scanner :)

A walk amoung beauty
It was a gorgeous Saturday out with her friend to walk the dogs at a local trail. They picked up lattes before hiking. As they got closer to their destination, the dogs winnied and whined, knowing they were close by. Soon as they arrive, the dogs anxiously got out of the car and waiting for their pet-parents. The first few meters slowly adapt you to the world away from every day life, the dogs start to get into their form and smiles are on everyone's faces. The blue and white of the sky contrast against the green and brown of the trees. The smells are natural and the breeze is pure. Every now and again, she calls out to her dog to make sure he doesn't wander off to far. Everytime he listens, her heart sings with pride. Nothing makes her happier than being proud of her puppy and being where she feels like home. Her heart feels at home outside, amoung nature and away from the hustle and bustle. Stopping occassionally to take a deep breath to let her muscles know that they are allowed to relax, she looks out onto the bubbling river and smiles. Closes her eyes to hear as well as see everything around her. This is therapy at it's best.

The D word

I sat in front of the computer screen earlier with this window open to type a post. But I was frozen with emotion and thought going through my mind. I discovered a subject that I actually did not feel to keen to post on. That subject was the big D word... you got it, Depression. I have slowly realized that eating more and other little behaviours were just that. I also finally got to the point of being so fed up with being blue and remembering over the last few months when certain thoughts came up that they would go away. The thoughts are still there. So, it just might be my medication for the fibro. I usually can get myself back out of it. But it's different this time. I am planning on starting to taper off the medication anyway due to having stomach issues. My poor insides have been having a hell of a time with medications over a long period of time. Havoc is probably the right word. I'm curious to see what comes back on the last set of blood tests. Either way, I know stuff needs to change. I am keeping a food and symptom diary now. After the tutoring session, I got myself out for a walk with Jasper instead of staying home and being blah and risk more eating.Going to dig myself back out.

Busy weekend

Ready for sleep on a Sunday night. Been a productive weekend yet relaxed enough to keep the flare at bay. Been doing a lot of reading this weekend. Found a fantastic book at Chapters on food and inflammation. It has been a fantastic read so far with loads of information. Started a food diary too :) a good weekend

Food, tea and me

As I am going through that wonderful mid-afternoon I-want-to-crawl-in-a-ball-and-sleep phase, I looked up stuff about tea. I am not feeling too well this week as it is and I went to make some tea for the afternoon and I was stumped: which do I make? which will have less of an impact on my already fragile system? So I looked up tea processing and fermentation of tea. As discovered, fermented food and beverages are a no-no for someone with a histamine-intolerance. The end result: white and green teas are safe for me. Most green teas are not oxidized (ie. fermented) and white teas are not fermented at all (http://www.enjoyingtea.com/teaprocessing1.html, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_processing, http://altmedicine.about.com/od/herbsupplementguide/a/whitetea.htm, etc). Black tea is, of course, the most fermented. Pu'erh is post-fermented, so it goes through the process twice (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3155370/?tool=pubmed). Each of these teas have their benefits of course with anti-oxidants, pu'erh is good for digestion, etc. However, that word histamine causes pause to wonder what is the best teas for me to drink. I will keep my black and pu'erh teas in my collection, but have them very sparingly. I have some fantastic green teas and some white. Then I wondered about the Rooibos. It too goes through a fermentation process similar to black tea.

When looking up studies on histamine in PubMed, I discovered that most studies were done in the mid-1990s. I have made some fantastic discoveries. I remember the time I first tried spinach and I felt absolutely gross after. Guess what! It contains a LOT of histamine. I know there are other things that are not agreeing with me, but no idea what or how to tackle the situation. So, after talking it over with mom, I finally made an appointment with my family doc and filled him in on things since I last saw him and asked for a referral to a dietician. It was nice that he wasn't rushed. He even had time to ask if there was anything else and asked about my mom. He calls us the "Bobbsey Twins"; we look very much alike and been having a hell of a time with health stuff over the last couple of years. But we keep smiling and figuring things out. He also sent me for more blood tests to check on things. I will call in a week to ask if the results are in and if I need to make an appointment to see him again. See how it goes :)

Dinner guests #HAWMC

The table was set for the six of us. Nothing fancy, just simple and ready for a group of people that are close to my heart and have been nothing but amazing in my life. To just choose five was the tough part. First one to come to mind was my Mom, of course. She has been my biggest supporter in my life and one of my best friends. I can call her anytime with any problem, big or small. She helps me figure out things in life with which I struggle. Secondly, I called upon a former boss, Carol, who has been supportive and encouraging throughout my career. She has been an amazing reference since working for her. With a laugh that carries as far as my Mom's,  I had to keep the evening good and lighthearted. Next up came a bit of a choice as to who would be the third. Two other women I strongly admire and love came to mind: my grandmothers. Grammy, although a distance away, has been very important in my life, whether she knows it or not. She has gotten me out of some situations and I know she cares. Beyond that, I cherish our conversations and wish I could see her more often. Then there's Nannie, with whom I have memories going back into childhood. Sitting at the foot of her rocking chair and helping her split peas or spin yarn. I love her with all my heart and always admire the music she makes and the look on her face when she is happily playing her violin. So that makes 4, all ladies who I look up to. That left one more space. Hard to choose, sometimes, in life. I look back on my past and consider who I have in my life at present. There is one person my heart calls out to: my dad. Although distant at times and a man of few words, what words he does speak are very important to me. I want him to see the love and laughter I have around me and to be proud of who I am today.

The table was set and the six of us sat around it. The food from the kitchen smelled delicious, prepared by yours truly with the assistance of others. Bit of a pot luck and plenty of food to go around. Many conversations ensued and laughter filled the house. Everyone was nearly in tears by the end with stitches in their sides. After supper, a wonderfully delightful choice of deserts were served with a cup of coffee or tea. We all sat in the backyard and watched the dogs and cats play. Exchanging more stories and filling the air with joy. I'm sure my neighbours heard the laughter a few blocks away. At the end, we were sad to see it come to a conclusion. Hugs were exchanged and tears were held back. I hope to have this dinner again, I said. I hope to do this again real soon. Love you all :)

#HAWMC Pick from a book

Now, on to business. Random phrase from a book

"Again, productivity comes down to an honest desire for change and to change. Once I committed to this, I started reaping the rewards - getting things done quickly and efficiently, knowing what I was going to work on when, with less anxiety and more time for myself." - Productivity for Librarians by Samantha Hines (2010)

I have not been terribly productive in getting this book read. I like the phrase that came out of this exercise. What is productivity? Anyone who has the pleasure of having to consult your health and how you are feeling before committing to something battles with this question. What productivity was before and what it is now are two different things. The worst thing to do is to compare the past to the present. Once you start doing that, the future is in jeopardy. Change is sometimes thrust upon us, rather than decided or desired. Change can be a thought process. For example, instead of going "damnit, I only got x, y, and z done today and I had a, b, and c to do as well". The thought is changed to, "yay, I got x, y, and z done today! I'll figure out when to do a, b, and c to get that done later as well". Going from negative to positive; I consider that a desirable change. I try to plan things out ahead of time. Like this weekend I was planning on doing more painting. But, my body has other ideas. Instead of being miserable about it, I am going to listen to my body and do other less strenous activities. I changed the plan to avoid more misery later. Going back to the change to positivity, I can see how that would create less anxiety simply because you end up beating yourself up a whole lot less! Instead of spending time grumbling and moaning, you get to relax with a cup of tea. I like that idea. Enjoy what you did get done, feel good about it, and relax with a cup of tea afterwards. I must remember to be more positive, more often, and consistently.

#HAWMC Thank you WEGO

I'm starting to slack off with posting for the challenge, but I will continue writing as I can. So far in the challenge, I have read some remarkable postings and found more blogs and facebook pages. It is all support, all information sharing (which I love), and it's a community. I must say thank you to WEGO for hosting this challenge. Without this, I may not have found such resources so easily.

Hardest lesson to learn #HAWMC - Day 17

There have been many lessons learned. I have talked about a couple of them in previous postings. They vary from trusting in myself and the decisions I make, learning to listen to my Mom and Dad (especially when I was younger), and so on. I think now the biggest thing is learning how not to push myself too much. I have spent many years just pushing myself through situations and life.  A few months ago, I was talking with Mom and saying how tired I was. She asked what I did the day before, I said not much. Then I went a little further back, to the weekend and listed off a laundry list of things I did. I did too much and it took a bit to catch up with me. When I look back, it is amazing that I did not burn out sooner. I remember coming back home after a crazy summer where I had gotten a job in my field that had daytime hours, however, it did not pay enough to afford cost of living. So, I continued to work my retail job. There would be days I would work all day, go home to have supper then work another 6 hours and get home shortly after midnight. At least I lived within walking distance of the two jobs. I crashed when I came home to visit at the end of the summer. A few years ago, I was working a job that kept me in this area and I was not making enough money to cover all living expenses plus student loan. So, I picked up another job. It was either I was not working enough to justify the pay cheques or working too much that it negatively impacted my health. I would say, "but I used to work nearly full time hours and go to full-time classes at university". What I realize now is how all of that did impact my health in the short and long term. I try to limit myself to one class per term now, while I am working full-time. I carefully look at my schedule before taking on additional tasks. This can be hard to do because I cannot say how I will be feeling in 15 days from now, but I can try to plan ahead to prepare myself. The phrase "loving-kindness" comes to mind with how scheduling fits into my life now. I must keep myself in mind, first and foremost, when making plans and arranging things. I got a gym membership but haven't been in over a month because of doing work on my house plus various other tasks and just needing recovery days. I do not let that bother me but I realize that may need to be re-evaluated at some point in the future. One day at a time :)

#HAWMC Writing Style

I missed yesterday's posting. Managed to take advantage of the gorgeous weather. Did a lot of walking and cleaning with some relaxing. Walking along the beach in your bare feet in April feels amazing. To simply breath in the air around you, close your eyes to hear and open your eyes to see the beauty around you. Not to mention get some good chuckles from watching the dogs play along the sand and in the water. Oddly enough, the long haired dog dried quicker than the short haired dog. Which means I went home with a dryer dog :)


I am going to double up on this entry though because I find yesterday's challenge topic interesting. My writing style is basically whatever comes to mind and through the heart. I write in a flow and with some thought. I come from a family of storytellers and am proud to say I have inherited most of this trait. Mine is more through writing though. I write as well as type. Depends on which media I feel more comfortable with at that moment in time. Doing this challenge has forced me to type more than write, although, I do still write. My writings are simply thought sketches. Here's a description of my style from my other blog:


A sketch represents an image in one's mind that is put into a visible format (i.e. by pencil on paper, paintbrush in a imaging program, etc). Thoughts can also be sketches. While a picture is worth a thousand words, a thousand words can help describe a picture, but is only a sketch of the picture. This ranting may not make sense, but its a sketch of a theory not a solid theory, not a painted portrait. Here are sketches, they are theories. Just thoughts and not the be all, end all. Some are beautiful, others are hideous. Some are well thought, others are a splatter of mindless ranting. And no matter what, they are from my own heart and mind.

Welcome to my sketch pad.


This describes my style very well.

As for today's challenge, I will pass on that as I do not have a pinterest account as of yet and working on implementing other tools before I get to that one :)

10 things #HAWMC

List of 10 things that make me smile:
1. My family - "just-because" family dinners
2. My dog and cats - their cuddles when not feeling well and knowing how to make me smile
3. Nature walks - nothing more soothing than that
4. Friends to laugh and chat with
5. A cup of tea and a bowl of popcorn to unwind with before bed
6. Nice relaxing bath with a good book
7. Photography - taking pictures outdoors and of my pets
8. Writing - such a cathartic exercise
9. Craft projects - making things for myself and others
10. Cooking and baking

This list was actually harder to write than I thought it would be.

You're a librarian #HAWMC

Just did the survey "Are you a Health Activist" on WEGOhealth (http://www.wegohealth.com/quick_quiz/?source=blog-ad) and had to laugh at the results:

You're a LIBRARIAN! That means:

• You live for the hunt, unearthing articles, clinical trial info, discussion threads, the best doctors and more, with a passion usually reserved for gold-filled shipwrecks.
• You welcome a challenge and can’t believe we ever lived without Google, Medline, Yahoo! Answers and all the other online community members who help you in your quest for information.
• You may also be: A journalist, author, health professional and Internet addict.

Little do they know that I am actually a librarian. The description is nearly perfect: I do live for the hunt and welcome a challenge. When I get a call for a reference question, I am all over it. When I get to teach people how to use the above-mentioned tools, I am very passionate and love sharing information. It's not just my job or my career, it is part of who I am. In other posts, you have seen me mention decision making a few times. I used to question my decision in becoming a librarian. I finally had enough and realized I was self-sabotaging myself and undermining myself so I stopped. I embraced my choice. In all fact, I love research and teaching and writing. The other choice would have been a professor, but an academic librarian is even better for me. Maybe one day I will fulfill my dream of becoming a professor too. What is best about both professions is that they can accommodate me and my disabilities. It is up to me to advocate for myself, which I have been doing for ages. Every university course I took involved me talking with the professor to let them know of my disabilities: that I am blind in my right eye and hard of hearing in my left ear. To accommodate my disabilities, I let them know I may record the sessions and type an incredible amount of notes to ensure I got all the information. This "advocacy" has continued in my social and professional life. I even have a hearing aid now that I use mostly in group situations. Now I have something else to add to my plate, the fibromyalgia. The question of how to approach this subject has been a serious question in mind. How does it affect insurance? How do I tell my employers? Should I tell my employers? I have always been an upfront person. Even with co-workers, I have always told the people I work with about my disabilities so they do not think I am ignoring them. Even then, I usually pay more attention to my surroundings than the majority of people. This ability to be in touch with my environment is more out of survival and necessity. Honestly, I like this advantage. With every disadvantage there is an advantage, just a matter of figuring it out. I'm a puzzle person, troubleshooter, problem solver, and very resourceful. All these, in a way, are derived from learning to live with my disabilities. I am very grateful for these skills. Back to the fibro question. I have told my current employers and it has been well received and understood, for the most part. I tell them because I do not want them to think I am purposely missing work but I am out of necessity the days I cannot move or function. One of my bosses didn't take my missing work too well, especially the time I had a bad reaction to the Cymbalta. After careful thought, I advocated for myself and sat down and talked with that supervisor about guilt and how I feel guilty enough missing work without being guilted by this particular person. There have been comments made in the past, some I don't think this person realized the impacts of their words. I can say things have improved for now. I am definitely very proud of myself for self-advocating. It takes confidence and conviction to be able to do something like that. It can change a person. I'm generally humble and honest. I am a health advocate and librarian. The two mix together very well :)

Cheers

FibroWords #HAWMC

Here are two poems I wrote earlier on, as I was learning about my new fangled label:

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2011

Turn the page

Questions, questions and more questions
On the quest for answers
Go to hospitals, leave hurting and confused
What is going on? What is wrong?

Listen closely to my body
Hear where it hurts and what ways
Make a list and hope
Enough talking, here's the list

Waiting for the pain to settle
Heat helps and cold hinders
Sleep my sleepless nights
Work through the fog

Appointments come, answers finally
Blood tests say nothing
Body is still talking
Change of pace, change of meds

Through the answers comes peace
Knowing is half the battle
The other half is managing the answer
Modify my life but not going to stop living

So here I am, knowing what I know
Learning my limits as I go
What this fibromyalgia does to me
I will keep on going within my limits

Listen carefully to my body and mind
It is now more important than ever

Some days I will be exhausted
Some days I will be in pain
Some days I will be in a fog
Some days I will be okay

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2011

Smile

Smile sad eyes
Look around and see the world
Smile broken heart
Anything is possible today

Stand still and listen wide eyed
You have come a long way, babe
Don't give it all up on dreams
The grass is not always greener

Smile foggy thoughts
Listen to the voices inside
Smile tortured soul
Let the warmth of love in

Once wanting much more
But this is not the end
The beginning is beautiful
And never forget the start

Smile stressed body
The light is already here
Smile chained limbs
You are creating darkness

Be comfortable in my own skin
Stop fighting invisible demons
There is peace and comfort here
Keep faith in moderation and confidence

Smile wary obstacles
You are your own doing
Smile certain self
And so mote it be.

A song #HAWMC

To a nice soft melody singer with strong chords inbetween to emphasize the emotional turmoil within the lyrics, within the soul. But there should be a hint of an uplifting cello piece between the 2nd and last sections.

Concentrate

Somedays wishing couldn't feel
Not far from breaking down in tears
They hid behind the eyes
Body tension aims to break you
Nothing can save me
Sit down and relax
What can I do

Strive to find solutions and thrive
Days come and go with no resolve
What can you do with the pain
My body has short circuited
Long ago, it probably started
Pain, pain, pain screams at me
Take more meds, drown in them
Almost did once
But here I am
What can I do

I write in hopes that it helps me
Listen to music I enjoy to relax
Try to focus on work, Try to get stuff done
Try not to feel bad for not walking the dog
Sometimes, I got to put myself first
Otherwise, I will whither away
I can't stop, if I do, I will perish
Get out to exercise class, it helps
Keep on moving forward
Watch the rain
Silently cry
What can I do

Dear 16 year old me #HAWMC

So much I wish I could tell you, to prepare for and deal with. 16 was a precious year before everything went crazy. I was crazy in love, but remember, it doesn't always work out. Enjoy it while it lasts; it'll be a long time before feeling that special feeling again. Take care of yourself. I know life can be a dark place at times and you are right to hope things change after high school. There is hope. Remember to smile and take care of yourself. You are indeed #1 and are as beautiful as everyone says you are. It will make more sense as you find more love for yourself as the light replaces the darkness. Family is important, never take that for granted. Also, be patient and watch that temper. Never lose hope and believe in yourself. You are beautiful, intelligent, and don't be too hard on yourself. Respect your decisions and if something doesn't work out, you are a wonderfully resourceful person who will figure it out.
Live, Laugh, Love, Learn. Forget me not, my love.

Discoveries

It is always fun to make health discoveries. Sitting here yesterday and having a simple conversation with a friend about how I am concerned that I may or may not have a gluten sensitivity or something because I know there is something about what I am eating that is not agreeing with me. Then it hit me, check my allergy tests from 2008/2009. And there it was, the answer: histamine. I have a histamine intolerance. Looking up what that is became an adventure and answered so many questions. For example, I know parmesan is one of my enemies. Now I know it is because of the high histamine content that causes a reaction. Then going through the rest of the list of high histamine foods and foods that cause the body to produce histamine made enough more sense. It was also frustrating. So with this knowledge, I am armed and ready to try a histamine-free diet for a few weeks to see how I feel. Which means I will have to start a food diary. As it is I am not entirely sure were my small to-do and expense books are right now. Do I buy an app for it or do I get another book. Either way, need to add another tool to my toolkit with what information I can find. Oh, yay!

Day 9 of #HAWMC - Keep Calm

Keep calm poster : http://bit.ly/IAIHJO

Day 8 of #HAWMC - Conversation

Feeling really sore today and taking meds to make sure it doesn't completely bring me to tears. Going to relax the next couple of days.
Trying to think of a particular conversation to dialogue in here. I have had many. When working on a project with a friend, it is very easy to blah-blah your way through the work. So I would have to say that the entire weekend has been one good conversation with a friend I do not see terribly often :)

Day 7 of #HAWMC

Freedom to post anything today it seems. Today will not be much. Busy working on a basement project to seal the joints and paint the walls. One thing about working on a very taxing project is to remember to take breaks. I am guilty of pushing and pushing myself. A huge advantage is having a wonderful friend helping. I had enough foresight to ask for help a few weeks ago. I knew this would be a huge undertaking and knew I could not do it alone. For this I am thankful for the help and for acknowledging that I cannot do it all on my own. Pick your battles and figure out if you can battle it alone or need to ask for help from the right people.

Cheers

Day 6 of #HAWMC

Health haiku

Breath clean air in out
Watch the blue skies high above
All is well right now

Day 5 of #HAWMC - Photography and Health

Yesterday I wrote about why I write about my health. In summary, I said because it is cathartic. Today's challenge involves finding a flikr photo but I am choosing to write about one of my other outlets: photography.

I love grabbing my camera and going out for a walk. When I was living in Halifax, I went out on photo excursions a lot more than I do now. My pictures have always focused on nature and my furry family. I love taking pictures of my cats and dog and my friends' and family's pets. Even days when I do not have my camera, I find myself noticing the little details when I am outside: the detail of the clouds, the way a shadow of a tree falls on a building, the crispness of the leaves, the textures of the grass, and more. Because I have sight in only one eye and wear glasses, I never ever want to take for granted all those little details. Same goes for hearing. There is something peaceful about stopping for a moment to just listen. All the little details give more joy to life. Purposely taking those moments give time for you body to rest and just enjoy the moment. I think this is what buddhists mean by "mindfulness". I hadn't really thought of it that way before. I guess I already practice mindfulness in my own little ways. I actually bought a dvd on meditation because I heard it could help relax my body and mind, which I desparately need somedays when the fibro is acting up and even on regular days. Finding those moments of peace is important. Even if it is through a camera lens.

Why I write about my Health

HAWMC Day #4: I write about my health because… Reflect on why you write about your health for 15-20 minutes without stopping. 


I have always written. I can probably find a diary from elementary school with various stuff in it. I have always found writing to be very cathartic. In joining this challenge, I have breached a barrier and decided to go public with this blog. I do keep another for my writings. Some of those writings and peotry do touch on my health but I wrote those before starting this blog and never transferred them over. I have been told I should be a writer with how well I compose my ideas. But, like I said, I grew up writing so it comes natural to me. Much like a conversation that flows through my mind. The audience is no one or whoever finds my blog. Since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I have found a bit of peace with myself. I want to continue to be a functioning human being in society. Writing this blog helps me reflect on that and share how I am achieving that goal. Nothing will stop me from figuring it out, to manage it. Being the resourceful person I am, I will seek out whatever I can and share what I find of value. In sharing, I hope it hlps other people. This always gives me a timeline in a sense to see how far I've come and the developments I have made. I can look back and go, "oh, I tried this medication on this date and this is what happened". In addition to writing on here, I always have a notebook on hand to write daily for work related stuff and just mindless writing that keeps me sane. Sanity, there's an important word. The most insane are the most sane sometimes. No idea where I fall into on that scale, but I am me. I am not just blind, I am not just deaf, I am not just fibromyalgia, I am not just Irlen Syndrome, I am not just a librarian... I am me who has these things. That is what I must remember. All these items help form my identity and must never forget them. They can also be my advantage. If I do not want to hear someone, I can turn to my deaf ear. If I do not want to see someone, I can turn a blind eye. Fibromyalgia has meant I listen to my bodily cues much more closely so I can take better care of myself. Being a librarian means I can seek out useful information to share with others. See, just in this short amount of time, I have elaborated on discovers and created more meaning for myself. It is one thing to think these things and another to type them. This is why I write about  my health.

Cheers

WEGO

Hey everyone - I just wanted to tell you about a new activity I'll be doing this April. The Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge hosted by WEGO Health. I will be writing a post a day for all 30 days. I hope you'll join me in writing every day about health. It's going to be a lot of fun and I'd love to see what you have to say about each of the topics, too. All you have to do to join is sign up here:http://info.wegohealth.com/HAWMC2012 and you'll be able to start posting once April rolls around. Looking forward to writing with you!

Fibro future at work

Ever wonder at the future to know how things would pan out? I know my passions and strengths. I know my possibilities and wonder at others.

I have the fibro more or less under control right now with the proper sleep supplements. The migraines have been threatening me again and have other pains for which I am using meds to subdue. One more medical mystery to solve and then I can finally move forward. You know when you know something is not right and doctors have not necessarily ignored you, but haven't done anything to figure it out. I go for a root canal in a few weeks from years of grinding my teeth in my sleep. The nightguard has saved the other molars that were on the roster a few years ago for root canals; now it is just the one.

Missing work is less of an issue lately. I work through the pains and fatigue. I get through my days. Looking forward to having more energy to take Jasper, my dog, out for walks and to do more physical activity. Can only do so much though. I have learned to take advantage of the days my body just absolutely gives out and says not to doing much of anything.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a former supervisor to ask her to be a reference. She is an amazing person. Anyway, I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Fibro and she said that one of her co-workers had it to but had to leave work because of it. It took me a few days for that statement to be processed. I do not want to get to that point where I have to leave work. I have looked up many other sites and blogs about work and fibro to find helpful information. There was one that was a simply amazing little video at http://faithdream.hubpages.com/hub/Fibromyalgia-in-the-Workplace. One common thing that keeps coming up is finding work that is less stressful, reduce the stress in your life. This has been a bit of turning point for me. Made me realize that something MUST change. I am working on that change. In the next week I will be finding out more about a possible change. I am hopeful. My counsellor gave me the homework of writing positive thoughts about this change in the present tense. For example: I am happily working at x place, I am happily living in x city. I fought a little against this because I do not want to get my hopes up to high but it is a good exercise and makes me smile when I write it, therefore I will participate in this little exercise. Positive thinking goes an awful long way. :)

Cheers

Sleep please

It's been four nights since starting the melatonin and three since the 5-htp. The melatonin calms down my body while the 5HTP calms the mind. The two seem to be working well for me. Got a great sleep Tuesday night. Woke up going "wow I actually slept!" whereas today I am so tired but that's from a dog who kept whining most of the night to go outside. I kept barely waking up then finally was able to get up around 3am and let him out then went back to bed. Soooo tired. Ah well. Keep smiling.

Urge to kill rising...

For some reason I have been just feeling like screaming and crying at the same time the last few days. I don't know if it is PMS or stress or what. At least I am trying to improve my sleep with some supplements. Decided to elminate the Chloressence for now, it pays to listen to your body. Hope all improves soon :)

Hurting like....

I really hate when I get to the point where I just feeling like bawling. I have no idea why either. I know I hurt, and currently numbing it out with robaxacet. But I hurt like crazy. Do I go home for the afternoon instead of torturing myself or do I stick to this and be completely miserable. Such tough decisions. It does not help that I have one supervisor that frowns everytime I take sick time. But you know what... enough is enough. I should not fear taking half a fucking day to keep myself sane. I have work to do and stuff to submit, and that's okay. I'll work on it from home where I am a hell of a lot more comfortable. There, I said it. Sick days also scare me because of what to expect in my next job. I'll figure it out though :)

Armour

Added another book to my reading list. I find it interesting how it describes Fibromyalgia as your muscles acting as a protective armour. More to come :)

Sunshining day

Given how little I slept last night (definitely washing the bedding tonight), I'm doing pretty good today. A little achy, but nothing I can't handle. The headache is still threatening me, even after taking some advil this morning. Think I might need a good neck massage *sigh*. But, I am doing good, being productive and have some clarity. But I think with other stuff going on in my life and seeing the bright side of the world, I'm feeling better mentally speaking. Feeling good about things goes a long way.

Massage

My massage therapist asked to me to be his guinea pig for a different treatment; one more focused on relaxing hte whole body rather than tough on particular muscles. I am usually physically quite exhausted after massage. This time I was just more tired in a relaxing kind of sense. However, the usual culprits are feeling jipped for not being worked on as much this time around. Overall, it was not as intense but I can see the benefit of it. It does not help that I slept horribly last night and that damn headache-nearing-migraine tension is back again today, with a vengeance. I hope it doesn't completely wipe me out. Don't have regular ibuprofen with me, just a 600mg version of it. If that does not help, it does not bode well for me. I hurt all over, so keep on smiling and it will get better :)

Work

One subject I have not talked about yet is work and health. Where is that fine line between pushing yourself hard to work versus staying home? It seems to be a very grey area. I hate missing work days, but sometimes it is necessary. I have medical appointments on a regular basis, some are during work hours and I schedule most after work (i.e. massage and chiro). Two of three of my "bosses" are okay with it and understand. The other one reminds me constantly of the days I have missed. If I were to go to another job, would I run into the same problem? I work through a lot of the pain and fog. My doctor is not worried about my case and can see me working for a long time yet, which I would prefer. Maybe it is time to try to find myself a happier place to be. Can't live in misery forever, as much as the future possibilities scare the hell out of me.

Balancing the weekend

It has been a couple of days since posting. Been busy with life. Went to my brother's birthday party, meet up with an old friend from high school years, and did shopping. Trying to take it easy enough to recover from the late night and to prepare for the week.
On Friday, I went to a supplement store and talked with a fantastic gentlemen who understood what fibro does to the body and we talked about supplements. I bought magnesium to help with bodily pain and an herbal sleep aid. The magnesium will help I think and going to try the full dose of the herbal sleep aid again tonight. Slept a solid 8 hours last night. Cutting back on the Chloressence right now to see how my body reacts, I just have a feeling it is not doing much and might be having side effects from it. So, going to listen that feeling and test it out. See how it goes :)
I am still reading that book, "How to be sick". It is fantastic. I am already making use of some of the teachings in daily life, which is generally a good sign.
Well, I need to start my bedtime ritual and might start up a new one tonight.

Cheers :)

Lesser evils

Coming back to that same thought of having to choose the lesser evils. Take for example when I got home yesterday after a good 20 minute walk, I was already kind of tired. Unloaded the dishwasher and started a load of laundry. My intention was to take Jasper out for a walk. But figured I should prepare supper before walking because I would probably be tired when I got back. So I went on preparing enough for supper and for lunch tomorrow since I was using the same ingredients. After discovering how much energy that took and knowing that I would be grocery shopping later on after my roommate was done work, I had to bow out and cook supper instead and relax after. Of course though, I played fetch with Jasper in the house. He has become such a wonderfully understanding dog. So grateful for that.

MIA

After a nice weekend, I woke up Monday with a nice migraine with sensitivity to light and all. Could hardly move and just wanted more sleep. Needless to say, I stayed home. Considering I was feeling pretty tired and lacking energy Sunday, is this really a surprise? Did I do way too much last week? The answers are "it shouldn't" and "quite possibly". How do you know when your legs are going to be knocked out from under you? Sometimes you don't. Back to work today and still not feeling great; sensitive to light and sounds. Had fun trying to open a prescription bottle of novo-profen in hopes that it will at least lessen the tension through my head and neck. Still hoping and it's been almost an hour.
Starting reading two books I got in the mail: The Fibromyalgia Cookbook and How to be Sick. The Cookbook has great, simple, easy to prepare recipes that are healthy and hopefully delicious! It's a good baseline with tips such as no red meats, no green peppers (red are okay though), no processed sugar, etc. I am hoping to get to the grocery store to pick up the few ingredients I am missing such as vegetable and chicken stock and lemon juice. The other book, How to be Sick, is written with a Buddhist mind set. I am already 64 pages in and it makes sense to me. The book is geared for the chronically ill and their caregivers. Sometimes reading statements that make sense enforces what you already know, which has been the case so far. I am looking forward to practicing the teachings in this book to let go of guilt and suffering and live more in peace with myself. My body may be sick, but I am not.

Crazy amount of information

Here is a compiled list of some of the articles I have found through Pubmed (and some other databases).  The links that start with http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/ are simply abstracts, but if you have access to databases (i.e. through your public library or local higher education institute), you may be able to find these articles online. The full text articles are usually the http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov links. One of the most important articles to read is the actual criteria established by the American College of Rheumatology preliminary (see Wolfe, Frederick et al. 2010). 

Arnold, Lesley M, Daniel J Clauw, and Bill H McCarberg. 2011. “Improving the recognition and diagnosis of fibromyalgia.” Mayo Clinic proceedings. Mayo Clinic 86(5):457-64. Retrieved July 16, 2011 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3084648&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Fibromyalgia (FM) is a chronic widespread pain disorder often seen in primary care practices. Advances in the understanding of FM pathophysiology and clinical presentation have improved the recognition and diagnosis of FM in clinical practice. Fibromyalgia is a clinical diagnosis based on signs and symptoms and is appropriate for primary care practitioners to make. The hallmark symptoms used to identify FM are chronic widespread pain, fatigue, and sleep disturbances. Awareness of common mimics of FM and comorbid disorders will increase confidence in establishing a diagnosis of FM.

Arranz, Laura-Isabel, Miguel-Angel Canela, and Magda Rafecas. 2010. “Fibromyalgia and nutrition, what do we know?” Rheumatology international 30(11):1417-27. Retrieved December 8, 2011 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20358204).

Many people suffer from fibromyalgia (FM) without an effective treatment. They do not have a good quality of life and cannot maintain normal daily activity. Among the different hypotheses for its ethiopathophysiology, oxidative stress is one of the possibilities. Non-scientific information addressed to patients regarding the benefits of nutrition is widely available, and they are used to trying non-evidenced strategies. The aim of this paper is to find out what we know right now from scientific studies regarding fibromyalgia disease and nutritional status, diets and food supplements. A systematic search has been performed on Medline with a wide range of terms about these nutritional issues. The search has been made during 2009, for articles published between 1998 and 2008. Target population: people suffering from FM. Vegetarian diets could have some beneficial effects probably due to the increase in antioxidant intake. There is a high prevalence of obesity and overweight in patients, and weight control seems to be an effective tool to improve the symptoms. Some nutritional deficiencies have been described, it is not clear whether they are directly related to this disease or not. About the usefulness of some food supplements we found very little data, and it seems that more studies are needed to prove which ones could be of help. Dietary advice is necessary to these patients to improve their diets and maintain normal weight. It would be interesting to investigate more in the field of nutrition and FM to reveal any possible relationships.

Assefi, Nassim, Andy Bogart, Jack Goldberg, and Dedra Buchwald. 2008. “Reiki for the treatment of fibromyalgia: a randomized controlled trial.” Journal of alternative and complementary medicine (New York, N.Y.) 14(9):1115-22. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3116531&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Fibromyalgia is a common, chronic pain condition for which patients frequently use complementary and alternative medicine, including Reiki. Our objective was to determine whether Reiki is beneficial as an adjunctive fibromyalgia treatment.

Brosseau, Lucie et al. 2008. “Ottawa Panel evidence-based clinical practice guidelines for aerobic fitness exercises in the management of fibromyalgia: part 1.” Physical therapy 88(7):857-71. Retrieved December 11, 2011 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18497301).

The objective of this study was to create guidelines for the use of aerobic fitness exercises in the management of adult patients (>18 years of age) with fibromyalgia, as defined by the 1990 American College of Rheumatology criteria.

Brosseau, Lucie et al. 2008. “Ottawa Panel evidence-based clinical practice guidelines for strengthening exercises in the management of fibromyalgia: part 2.” Physical therapy 88(7):873-86. Retrieved December 9, 2011 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18497302).

The objective of this study was to create guidelines for the use of strengthening exercises in the management of adult patients (>18 years of age) with fibromyalgia (FM), as defined by the 1990 American College of Rheumatology criteria.

Castro-Sánchez, Adelaida María et al. 2011. “Benefits of massage-myofascial release therapy on pain, anxiety, quality of sleep, depression, and quality of life in patients with fibromyalgia.” Evidence-based complementary and alternative medicine : eCAM 2011:561753. Retrieved August 7, 2011 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3018656&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Fibromyalgia is a chronic syndrome characterized by generalized pain, joint rigidity, intense fatigue, sleep alterations, headache, spastic colon, craniomandibular dysfunction, anxiety, and depression. The purpose of the present study was to determine whether massage-myofascial release therapy can improve pain, anxiety, quality of sleep, depression, and quality of life in patients with fibromyalgia. A randomized controlled clinical trial was performed. Seventy-four fibromyalgia patients were randomly assigned to experimental (massage-myofascial release therapy) and placebo (sham treatment with disconnected magnotherapy device) groups. The intervention period was 20 weeks. Pain, anxiety, quality of sleep, depression, and quality of life were determined at baseline, after the last treatment session, and at 1 month and 6 months. Immediately after treatment and at 1 month, anxiety levels, quality of sleep, pain, and quality of life were improved in the experimental group over the placebo group. However, at 6 months postintervention, there were only significant differences in the quality of sleep index. Myofascial release techniques improved pain and quality of life in patients with fibromyalgia.

Clauw, Daniel J, Lesley M Arnold, and Bill H McCarberg. 2011. “The Science of Fibromyalgia.” Mayo Clinic proceedings. Mayo Clinic 86(9):907-911. Retrieved September 9, 2011 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3258006&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Fibromyalgia (FM) is a common chronic widespread pain disorder. Our understanding of FM has increased substantially in recent years with extensive research suggesting a neurogenic origin for the most prominent symptom of FM, chronic widespread pain. Neurochemical imbalances in the central nervous system are associated with central amplification of pain perception characterized by allodynia (a heightened sensitivity to stimuli that are not normally painful) and hyperalgesia (an increased response to painful stimuli). Despite this increased awareness and understanding, FM remains undiagnosed in an estimated 75% of people with the disorder. Clinicians could more effectively diagnose and manage FM if they better understood its underlying mechanisms. Fibromyalgia is a disorder of pain processing. Evidence suggests that both the ascending and descending pain pathways operate abnormally, resulting in central amplification of pain signals, analogous to the "volume control setting" being turned up too high. Patients with FM also exhibit changes in the levels of neurotransmitters that cause augmented central nervous system pain processing; levels of several neurotransmitters that facilitate pain transmission are elevated in the cerebrospinal fluid and brain, and levels of several neurotransmitters known to inhibit pain transmission are decreased. Pharmacological agents that act centrally in ascending and/or descending pain processing pathways, such as medications with approved indications for FM, are effective in many patients with FM as well as other conditions involving central pain amplification. Research is ongoing to determine the role of analogous central nervous system factors in the other cardinal symptoms of FM, such as fatigue, nonrestorative sleep, and cognitive dysfunction.

Fontaine, Kevin R, Lora Conn, and Daniel J Clauw. 2011. “Effects of lifestyle physical activity in adults with fibromyalgia: results at follow-up.” Journal of clinical rheumatology : practical reports on rheumatic & musculoskeletal diseases 17(2):64-8. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3206258&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

In a 12-week randomized controlled trial of the effects of lifestyle physical activity (LPA) on symptoms and function among adults with fibromyalgia, we found that LPA participants increased their average daily step count by 54%, improved their self-reported functioning by 18%, and reduced their pain by 35%.

Fontaine, Kevin R, Lora Conn, and Daniel J Clauw. 2010. “Effects of lifestyle physical activity on perceived symptoms and physical function in adults with fibromyalgia: results of a randomized trial.” Arthritis research & therapy 12(2):R55. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=2888205&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Although exercise is therapeutic for adults with fibromyalgia (FM), its symptoms often create obstacles that discourage exercise. We evaluated the effects of accumulating at least 30 minutes of self-selected lifestyle physical activity (LPA) on perceived physical function, pain, fatigue, body mass index, depression, tenderness, and the six-minute walk test in adults with FM.

Häuser, Winfried et al. 2010. “Efficacy of different types of aerobic exercise in fibromyalgia syndrome: a systematic review and meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials.” Arthritis research & therapy 12(3):R79. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=2911859&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

The efficacy and the optimal type and volume of aerobic exercise (AE) in fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) are not established. We therefore assessed the efficacy of different types and volumes of AE in FMS.

van Koulil, S et al. 2007. “Cognitive-behavioural therapies and exercise programmes for patients with fibromyalgia: state of the art and future directions.” Annals of the rheumatic diseases 66(5):571-81. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1954607&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

This review provides an overview of the effects of non-pharmacological treatments for patients with fibromyalgia (FM), including cognitive-behavioural therapy, exercise training programmes, or a combination of the two. After summarising and discussing preliminary evidence of the rationale of non-pharmacological treatment in patients with FM, we reviewed randomised, controlled trials for possible predictors of the success of treatment such as patient and treatment characteristics. In spite of support for their suitability in FM, the effects of non-pharmacological interventions are limited and positive outcomes largely disappear in the long term. However, within the various populations with FM, treatment outcomes showed considerable individual variations. In particular, specific subgroups of patients characterised by relatively high levels of psychological distress seem to benefit most from non-pharmacological interventions. Preliminary evidence of retrospective treatment analyses suggests that the efficacy may be enhanced by offering tailored treatment approaches at an early stage to patients who are at risk of developing chronic physical and psychological impairments.

Mannerkorpi, Kaisa, Lena Nordeman, Asa Cider, and Gunilla Jonsson. 2010. “Does moderate-to-high intensity Nordic walking improve functional capacity and pain in fibromyalgia? A prospective randomized controlled trial.” Arthritis research & therapy 12(5):R189. Retrieved October 19, 2011 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=2991024&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

The objective of this study was to investigate the effects of moderate-to-high intensity Nordic walking (NW) on functional capacity and pain in fibromyalgia (FM).

Sañudo, Borja, Delfín Galiano, Luis Carrasco, Moisés de Hoyo, and Joseph G McVeigh. 2011. “Effects of a prolonged exercise program on key health outcomes in women with fibromyalgia: a randomized controlled trial.” Journal of rehabilitation medicine : official journal of the UEMS European Board of Physical and Rehabilitation Medicine 43(6):521-6. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21533333).

To assess the impact of a long-term exercise programme vs usual care on perceived health status, functional capacity and depression in patients with fibromyalgia.

Smith, Howard S, Richard Harris, and Daniel Clauw. 2011. “Fibromyalgia: an afferent processing disorder leading to a complex pain generalized syndrome.” Pain physician 14(2):E217-45. Retrieved (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21412381).

Fibromyalgia is a condition which appears to involve disordered central afferent processing. The major symptoms of fibromyalgia include multifocal pain, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and cognitive or memory problems. Other symptoms may include psychological distress, impaired functioning, and sexual dysfunction. The pathophysiology of fibromyalgia remains uncertain but is believed to be largely central in nature. In 1990 the American College of Rheumatology (ACR) published diagnostic research criteria for fibromyalgia. The criteria included a history of chronic and widespread pain and the presence of 11 or more out of 18 tender points. Pain was considered chronic widespread when all of the following are present: pain in the left side of the body; pain in the right side of the body; pain above the waist; pain below the waist. In addition, axial skeletal pain must be present and the duration of pain must be more than 3 months. A tender point is considered positive when pain can be elicited by pressures of 4 kg/cm2 or less. For tender points to be considered positive, the patient must perceive the palpation as painful; tenderness to palpation is not sufficient. However, over the next 20 years it became increasingly appreciated that the focus on tender points was not justified. In 2010 a similar group of investigators performed a multicenter study of 829 previously diagnosed fibromyalgia patients and controls using physician physical and interview examinations, including a widespread pain index (WPI), a measure of the number of painful body regions. Random forest and recursive partitioning analyses were used to guide the development of a case definition of fibromyalgia, to develop new preliminary ACR diagnostic criteria, and to construct a symptom severity (SS) scale. The most important diagnostic variables were WPI and categorical scales for cognitive symptoms, un-refreshed sleep, fatigue, and number of somatic symptoms. The categorical scales were summed to create an SS scale. The investigators combined the SS scale and the WPI to recommend a new case definition of fibromyalgia: (WPI > or = 7 AND SS > or = 5). Although there is no known cure for fibromyalgia, multidisciplinary team efforts using combined treatment approaches, including patient education, aerobic exercise, cognitive behavioral therapy, and pharmacologic therapies (serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors [e.g., duloxetine, milnacipran] and alpha 2-delta receptor ligands [e.g., pregabalin]) might improve symptoms as well as function in patients with fibromyalgia.

Terhorst, Lauren, Michael J Schneider, Kevin H Kim, Lee M Goozdich, and Carol S Stilley. 2011. “Complementary and alternative medicine in the treatment of pain in fibromyalgia: a systematic review of randomized controlled trials.” Journal of manipulative and physiological therapeutics 34(7):483-96. Retrieved September 23, 2011 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21875523).

The purpose of this study was to systematically review the literature for randomized trials of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM) interventions for fibromyalgia (FM).

Tsao, Jennie C I. 2007. “Effectiveness of massage therapy for chronic, non-malignant pain: a review.” Evidence-based complementary and alternative medicine : eCAM 4(2):165-79. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1876616&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Previous reviews of massage therapy for chronic, non-malignant pain have focused on discrete pain conditions. This article aims to provide a broad overview of the literature on the effectiveness of massage for a variety of chronic, non-malignant pain complaints to identify gaps in the research and to inform future clinical trials. Computerized databases were searched for relevant studies including prior reviews and primary trials of massage therapy for chronic, non-malignant pain. Existing research provides fairly robust support for the analgesic effects of massage for non-specific low back pain, but only moderate support for such effects on shoulder pain and headache pain. There is only modest, preliminary support for massage in the treatment of fibromyalgia, mixed chronic pain conditions, neck pain and carpal tunnel syndrome. Thus, research to date provides varying levels of evidence for the benefits of massage therapy for different chronic pain conditions. Future studies should employ rigorous study designs and include follow-up assessments for additional quantification of the longer-term effects of massage on chronic pain.

Vas, Jorge et al. 2011. “Effects of acupuncture on patients with fibromyalgia: study protocol of a multicentre randomized controlled trial.” Trials 12:59. Retrieved March 6, 2012 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3055832&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Fibromyalgia is a multidimensional disorder for which treatment as yet remains unsatisfactory. Studies of an acupuncture-based approach, despite its broad acceptance among patients and healthcare staff, have not produced sufficient evidence of its effectiveness in treating this syndrome. The present study aims to evaluate the effectiveness of individualized acupuncture for patients with fibromyalgia, with respect to reducing their pain and level of incapacity, and improving their quality of life.

Wang, Chenchen. 2011. “Tai chi and rheumatic diseases.” Rheumatic diseases clinics of North America 37(1):19-32. Retrieved August 28, 2011 (http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=3058626&tool=pmcentrez&rendertype=abstract).

Tai chi is a complex multicomponent mind-body exercise. Many studies have provided evidence that tai chi benefits patients with a variety of chronic disorders. This form of mind-body exercise enhances cardiovascular fitness, muscular strength, balance, and physical function and seems to be associated with reduced stress, anxiety, and depression and improved quality of life. Thus, despite certain limitations in the evidence, tai chi can be recommended to patients with osteoarthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, and fibromyalgia as a complementary and alternative medical approach. This article overviews the current knowledge about tai chi to better inform clinical decision making for rheumatic patients.

Wolfe, Frederick, and Winfried Häuser. 2011. “Fibromyalgia diagnosis and diagnostic criteria.” Annals of medicine 43(7):495-502. Retrieved February 10, 2012 (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21770697).

Abstract Criteria for fibromyalgia developed from the conceptualization and hypotheses of Smythe and Moldofsky in 1977 and gradually evolved to a set of classification criteria endorsed by the American College of Rheumatology that emphasized tender points and widespread pain, measures of decreased pain threshold. In 2010, American College of Rheumatology fibromyalgia diagnostic criteria (see article below) were published that abandoned the tender point count and placed increased emphasis of patient symptoms. The 2010 criteria also contained severity scales and offered physicians the opportunity to assess polysymptomatic distress on a continuous scale. This enabled physicians who were opposed to the idea of fibromyalgia to also assess and diagnose patients using an alternative nomenclature.

Wolfe, Frederick et al. 2010. “The American College of Rheumatology preliminary diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia and measurement of symptom severity.” Arthritis care & research 62(5):600-10. Retrieved July 16, 2011 (http://www.rheumatology.org/practice/clinical/classification/fibromyalgia/2010_Preliminary_Diagnostic_Criteria.pdf#search=%22fibromyalgia%22).

To develop simple, practical criteria for clinical diagnosis of fibromyalgia that are suitable for use in primary and specialty care and that do not require a tender point examination, and to provide a severity scale for characteristic fibromyalgia symptoms.